Jokes To Offend Everybody

[Meg30]

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

[watergirl]

How do you piss off a female Archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

[jcheckers]

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

[Spark]

How do you piss off a female Archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

to Bettorschat ..

[Spark]

There was a farmer who had 50 acres of land

He was so tired taking care of all this land ... working from sun up to sun down ..

So what does the farmer do?? He invents robots to do all his farming for him.

The next day he had all 150 robots out there farming his land. Everything was going great.

The next morning the Sheriff knocked on the farmer's door telling him the reflection of the robots from the sun was blinding the traffic that was driving by. He told the farmer he would have to do something about it or get rid of the robots.

The following morning the same Sheriff knocked on the farmer's door and said, "WOW! I see that you got rid of all your robots" Farmer looks at him and says, "Hell, I did not get rid of them. You said they were blinding traffic. So I painted them black last night and this morning the bastards never showed up for work.

[Meg30]

How do you piss off a female Archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

Hello and !

[vols fan]

There was a farmer who had 50 acres of land

He was so tired taking care of all this land ... working from sun up to sun down ..

So what does the farmer do?? He invents robots to do all his farming for him.

The next day he had all 150 robots out there farming his land. Everything was going great.

The next morning the Sheriff knocked on the farmer's door telling him the reflection of the robots from the sun was blinding the traffic that was driving by. He told the farmer he would have to do something about it or get rid of the robots.

The following morning the same Sheriff knocked on the farmer's door and said, "WOW! I see that you got rid of all your robots" Farmer looks at him and says, "Hell, I did not get rid of them. You said they were blinding traffic. So I painted them black last night and this morning the bastards never showed up for work.

[vols fan]

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?







Hung!!!!!!!!

[vols fan]

Why do farts stink?
so deaf people can enjoy them too

[Spark]

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"
....................................

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

...................................

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
....................................

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

....................................

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

.....................................

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

......................................

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

....................................

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

.....................................

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... "a recipe".

......................................

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

....................................

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

......................................

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Spark]

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn ...

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

[Spark]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

[flarendep1]

(Subsitute Spark anywhere you see Grandpa)



The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

[vols fan]

(Subsitute Spark anywhere you see Grandpa)



The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

[Spark]

Are you laughing at the joke or the part about Substituting Spark anywhere you see Grandpa????