Funny's

[shoeman530]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As
she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'



'Only $20 each!

Comes with complete instructions.'


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the
instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is
specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the
frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise.
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at
this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of
the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call
the pet store!'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes
him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the
instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and STERNLY says:




' LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE... MORE.. TIME!!

[Spark]

Hollywood Squares: If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the
days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning .

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him..

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two
occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!

[shoeman530]

Fred and Larry

Fred and Larry

Fred and Larry get married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon.
So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first
married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast..
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.

[shoeman530]

Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston

Nymphomania Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[mavskidd02]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
an Arab, a Mexican and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so20cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Country girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[jcheckers]

Three Little Ducks

Three little ducks go into a bar...



'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey, ' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.




'Oh, that's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two
'So how's your day been, Dewey?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'




The bartender turned to the third duck and said ,'So, you must be Louie?'


'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.


'My name is Puddles.'

[jcheckers]

Free Mammograms!

[ATTACH]7455[/ATTACH]

[wayne1218]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

[shoeman530]

Wrong Answer...

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence -

HUSBAND:
Shit....

[shoeman530]

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.



He looked at me and said.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[shoeman530]

Grandmas don't know everything...

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few
days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked her:

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one
is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken back, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's
called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other
kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[shoeman530]

A LOVE STORY TRULY FROM THE HEART




This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry..
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment,
the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

[shoeman530]

*Hot Air Balloon*


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat!"

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[jcheckers]

Elephants Never Forget!

This is an Incredible story!
> In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after
> graduating from Northwestern University .
> On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
> bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
> The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached
> it very carefully.
> He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants
> foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
> As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter
> worked the wood out with his knife,
> after which the elephant gingerly put down its
> foot.
> The elephant turned to face the man, and with a
> rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense
> moments.
> Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
> being trampled.
> Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned,
> and walked away.
> Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
> that day.
> Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the
> Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
> As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
> the creatures turned and
> walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
> were standing.
> The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its
> front foot off the ground, then put it down.
> The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
> loudly, all the while staring at the man.
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not
> help wondering if this was the same elephant.
> Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
> railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
> He walked right up to the elephant and stared back
> in wonder.
> The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
> around one of Peter legs
> and slammed him against the railing, killing him
> instantly.
> Probably wasn't the same elephant.
> This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit
> stories.

[kbsooner21]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.

It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake.

A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green,

the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint
Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"