Funny's

[Spark]

A Professor was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contractions to his first year medical students.



Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"



She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

[TwoTonTony]

ouch....funny

[Spark]

Did you hear about the deformed dwarf?























He was six feet two!!!!

[jcindaville]

Oh shit, the comedian is in the house

[Spark]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

[Spark]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pompous minister was seated next to a redneck on a flight across the
country.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The redneck asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and
placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he
would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen
whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant
and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice

[Spark]

Oh shit, the comedian is in the house

nah ... Just cleaning up my e-mail ... hahahahahaha

[Spark]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see




his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the
mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and
goes to find him.
>>>
>>>The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and
Dad doing?"
>>>
>>>The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has
a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it
and help flatten it."
>>>
>>>"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
>>>
>>>"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
>>>
>>>"Well when you go shopping the lady next door
comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right
back up."

[kbsooner21]

nah ... Just cleaning up my e-mail ... hahahahahaha

I can tell

[kbsooner21]

Dear Family and Friends,

Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 2
years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book. I am very proud of
the results and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and
family to help me out. I believe my new book on GOLF gives the reader
valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my
years of struggle and experience. I'm hopeful you find this a useful tool
to help you enjoy your game that much more as you enjoy the great outdoors.

The cost is only $29.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email
with the appropriate credit card information.

Don't wait until they're all gone!!!!
Here's a sneak peek:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when You Hit a Titleist
from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as a Sod
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the
Water
Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...

Chapter 13- Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight
Chapter 14 – When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction
Technique
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart
Girl and Give her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th
Hole and Stiff the Bartender.

Thanking you in advance for your order.

[Spark]

>Old farmer & his mule
>An old farmer had a horrible wife who nagged him mercilessly. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
>
>The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
>
>All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
>
>This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
>
>So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
>
>The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice she looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
>
>"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
>
>"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[kbsooner21]

[Spark]

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it
was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is
he whispering in her mouth?"


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the
flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon...
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a
rapturous look on his up turned face.
"Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was
listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little
four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[Spark]

Welfare Check

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. . . You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.




The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bulls.h.i.t.t.in' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, . . . . well . . . you started it.

[Spark]

> A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
>
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

> The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
>
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
>
> The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
>
> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
>
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
>
> She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
>
> Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
>
> The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."