Funny's

[shoeman530]

SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans- continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet t o get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[shoeman530]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders sai d: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida S tate footb all coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know i f I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former pl ayer: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14 Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[Spark]

It's time again for the annual 'Stella
> Awards'!
>
>
>
> For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
> after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on
> herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New
> Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember,
> she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her
> knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could
> get burned doing that, right?
>
> That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish
> lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of
> cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head
> scratcher handy.
>
>
>
> Here are the Stella's for the past year:
>
>
>
> 7TH PLACE :
>
> Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by
> a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over
> a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The
> store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict,
> considering the running toddler was her own son.
>
>
>
>
>
> 6TH PLACE :
>
> Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000
> plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand
> with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice
> there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was
> trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
>
>
>
> Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
>
>
>
>
>
> 5TH PLACE :
>
> Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a
> house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.
> Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener
> malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.
> Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door
> connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson
> pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em,
> EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry
> dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company
> claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the
> insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his
> anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
>
>
>
> Keep scratching. There are more...
>
>
>
>
>
> 4TH PLACE :
>
> Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th
> Place in the Stella 's when he was awarded $14,500 plus
> medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next
> door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on
> a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not
> get as much as he asked for because the jury believed
> the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt
> bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the
> yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
>
>
>
> Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
>
> 0A
>
>
>
> 3RD PLAC E:
>
>
> Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster ,
> Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia
> restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on
> a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the
> soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at
> her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What
> ever happened to people being responsible for their own
> actions?
>
> Scratch, scratch, scratch.. Hang in there; there are only
> two more Stellas to go...
>
>
>
>
>
> 2ND PLACE :
>
> Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware, sued the owner of a
> night club in a nearby city because she fell from the
> bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front
> teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak
> through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50
> cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her
> $12,000 ...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
>
>
>
>
>
> 1ST PLACE : ...May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos
> please
>
> This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner
> was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who
> purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her
> first trip home from an OU football game, having driven
> onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and
> calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the
> Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the
> motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also
> not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
> putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't
> actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise
> control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you
> sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago
> actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,
> just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might
> also buy a motor home.
>
> 0D
>
> You can't fix stupid...and now it's so profitable!

[Spark]

Tinkle





A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Spark]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce Attorney.'

[shoeman530]

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Alan,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

******************************
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Alan

[jcheckers]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.


On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.



The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'



'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'



'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'



'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'


Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.



'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'


'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'



Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'


Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'



'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'



'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'


Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.


As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.


'What are you doing Sister?'


'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'



'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'


'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'


'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!



Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'


On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.


The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.



The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it ?'



'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.


'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!



The Bishop looked around at each of them



A big smile crept across his face as he said,



'You mother fuckers are my kind of people'

[kbsooner21]

[jcheckers]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long
church service. One leaned over and whispered,
"My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her
companion, "I heard it snore three times!"

[kbsooner21]

I love that Son of a bitch fish joke! I got some good laughs at the bar last night with that one

[shoeman530]

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.)
Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT

[jcheckers]

An out of state motorist was pulled over by a Texas State Trooper.
The Trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his
nightstick.
The driver rolled down his window and WHACK, the Trooper smacked him in
the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"Your in Texas , son, " the Trooper answered. "When we pull you over in
Texas you better have your license ready by the time we get to your
car."
"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said. "I'm not from around here.
The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the
guy his license back. The Trooper then walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and
"WHACK", the Trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the Trooper.
"Making what wish come true?"
"Because I know your type," the Trooper says, "two miles down the road
you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, I wish that asshole would've
tried that shit with me!

[shoeman530]

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says, "I feel like shit."

[ToDaClub]

A man walks into a bank, pulls a gun and demands the money. After he recieves the money he turns to the man in line behind him and asks, "did you see me rob this bank?" the man says "Yes". Bang he shoots him. He turns to the next man in line and says, "Did you see me rob the bank or shoot that man?" The man says "Yes" Bang he shoots him. The next person in line is asked the same question, The man replys "I didn't see a thing, but my wife was just ready to explain it all to me"

[jcheckers]

Subject: Lone Ranger





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger..
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the
horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous
brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse - alone.'
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully - for .... the .... last ....f**king time, I said .....
'BRING POSSE'