Funny's

[shoeman530]

A wife suspected of cheating...

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts,

' Don 't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money

> HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

> HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

> HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

> HE paid for our house at the lake.

> HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
dues!'

> Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He

> looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
> The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[shoeman530]

[ATTACH]7392[/ATTACH]

[jcheckers]

Childhood Memories!

A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate

family.

> >

> > My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and

that

> > always causes me to reminisce.

> >

> > The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she

gave

> > me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.

Those

> > gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the

crown of

> > grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

> >

> > We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40

soda

> > bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me

that

> > one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

'And

> > always remember this one thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry

a woman
with

> > small hands.'

> >

> > 'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

> >

> > She answered in her soft voice 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

> >

> > Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[ToDaClub]

Harold had a week off and decided to play golf every day.
Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition.

On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win.

Harold congratulated her and paid off his losses.

Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Harold, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, Enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf .

Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.

This went on all week, with Harold narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Harold said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'

Annette burst into tears. 'I can't!'

'What? Why not?' he asked.

'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'

'What?!' Aghast, Harold swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'

'You bastard!' Harold screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!'

[jcheckers]

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist.

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you ....."

[shoeman530]

Southerners - You gotta love 'em...

Tennessee:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter,"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

South Carolina:
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?" "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Kentucky:
The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number".

Georgia:
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, "Got any I.. D. ?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."

[Bill the Thrill]

I got this from maria

Funny.... adult humor


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd
either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS
SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop
them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign
pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two
hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

[shoeman530]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once Before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[shoeman530]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in
the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both
still be alive.

[shoeman530]

New Stock Market Terms

New Stock Market Terms....

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.

[shoeman530]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious
she was a little irritated. . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

[shoeman530]

How the economic stimulus works
Young Barry in Illinois bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Barry replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Barry said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Barry said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Barry said, "Yes, I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Barry and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Barry said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Barry said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."



Barry now works for the government.

[shoeman530]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern & sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER $2.50
HAMBURGER $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50
HAND JOB $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she smiles & purrs, "I sure am."

The old biker replies, "Well.... wash your hands real good.... cause I want a cheeseburger".

[wayne1218]

A woman came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset. You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And Paddy (for it was he) replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began: Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, "I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. "I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..." Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[jcheckers]

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby
Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee
was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist. " Once again it was agreed.

And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.00.