Funny's

[ToDaClub]

Hope I can remember that one for Mens day!!!

[jcheckers]

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed
her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with
grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari
and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells
them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I
will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores,
a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'

[shoeman530]

Buttercups and Golf Balls

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!' Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!

[shoeman530]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.




And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.




# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.*

[jcheckers]

Nookie Green

Nookie Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[jcheckers]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was in the kitchen fixing himself a bowl of ice cream. His mother came downstairs and caught him. "Little Johnny," she exclaimed, "get out of that ice cream before you ruin your dinner! Why don't you go play?"

"I don't have no one to play with," Little Johnny said.

"Well, I'll play with you," said his mother. "What would you like to play?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Let's play the mommy daddy game. You go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

So his mother complies. A few minutes later Little Johnny comes into the room, wearing his dad's fedora, his dad's pipe hanging from his mouth.

"What do I do now?" his mother asks.

"Get off your lazy ass, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

[jcheckers]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[shoeman530]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party...As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:' Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. 'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,' Son... what happened last night?''Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'


His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!''


Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[flarendep1]

Breaking News:



You Tube, Facebook and Twitter have all merged!




It is now: You Twit Face!

[shoeman530]

A Better Health Plan

A wealthy woman was being shown around
the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.


'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! ...... Why is
he doing that?'


The doctor who was leading the
tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that,
but
this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with
semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five ti mes a day, he'll be
in
extreme pain
and his testicles could easily rupture."
''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient
lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

[okmelonhead]

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL!


Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the **** and in dark
parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays approach.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco
customers. This one caught me by surprise.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think
it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking, 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's,
Home Depot, and Costco.

[shoeman530]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

[Spark]

O X Y M O R O N S



1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?


10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control

when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels?

Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit

in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?



28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?



29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?

[shoeman530]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends..
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

[ToDaClub]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'Sorry, I have a headache, dear.'

'No problem. That's perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'