Funny's

[jcheckers]

A Favorite Rum Cake Recipe ( Author Unknown)



1 to 2 quarts of Rum, Baking powder
1 cup of real butter , 1 teaspoon Baking soda
1 teaspoon of sugar , Lemon Juice
3 large eggs , Brown Sugar
1 cup dried fruit, Nuts

Before you start, sample the Rum and check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. and check the Rum again for quality. It must be just right. Try it again. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make certain the Rum is of the finest quality. Add 2 large eggs and 2 cups of dried fruit........and beat until very high. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the Rum again, checking for consistency.

Nest, sift in 3 cups of baking powder and a pinch of Rum, 1 teaspoon of toda and 1 cup of tepper or salt. Anyway, don't fret! Just tample the Rum again and fist in H pint jemon luice, fold in chopped buttermilk and the strained nuts.

Tample Rum again. Now, 1 bablespoon swrown bugar, or whatever color is available. Mix well. Grease oven and curn on take pan to 350 degrees. Pour the whole mess in oven. Cake tum rake out after mifty finutes...................

[Spark]

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH:


Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH





DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things,


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)



2.. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)



3.. Add 5


4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator



5.. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.



6... Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).



The next two numbers are










YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

[jcheckers]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,


'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[BattersUp!]

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH:


Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH





DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things,


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)



2.. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)



3.. Add 5


4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator



5.. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.



6... Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).



The next two numbers are










YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

All I can say is WOW!

[BattersUp!]

Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a ************, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

[shoeman530]

Let Me Tell You About My Weekend




An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening

With a beautiful young gal at his side.



He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new

Girlfriend.. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000

Ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'



At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought

Another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler

Said.



The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with

Excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'



The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by

Check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now

And you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the

Ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.



Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.



'There's no money in that account.'









'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

[BattersUp!]

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Spark]

Two guys are drinking in a bar
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"


"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

[jcheckers]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking
of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[BattersUp!]

An old man shopping at a department store for a gift for his wife was intent on watching a teenage girl who was going through the sale racks. The teenage girl had a Mohawk dyed in various colors: pink, purple, green, and yellow. The old man kept staring at her.

Irritated by his staring the teenage girl finally broke down and sneered, "What's the matter, old dude? I bet you haven't tried anything wild in your whole life, have you?"

The old man did not miss a beat when he replied, "I was drunk one time and was with a Macaw. I was just curious if you were related!"

[Spark]

>
> Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
>
> 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
>
>
>
> **************************
>
> In a Podiatrist's office:
>
> 'Time wounds all heels.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Septic Tank Truck:
>
> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
>
> **************************
>
> On a Plumber's truck:
>
> 'We repair what your husband fixed.'
>
> **************************
>
> On another Plumber's truck:
>
> 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Church's Bill board:
>
> '7 days without God makes one weak.'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Tyre Store
>
> 'Invite us to your next blowout.'
>
> **************************
>
> On an Electrician's truck:
>
> 'Let us remove your shorts.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Non-smoking Area:
>
> 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
> take appropriate action.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Maternity Room door:
>
> 'Push. Push. Push..'
>
> **************************
>
> At an Optometrist's Office:
>
> 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
> to the right place.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Taxidermist's window:
>
> 'We really know our stuff.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Fence:
>
> 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Car Dealership:
>
> 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
> payment.'
>
> **************************
>
> Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
>
> 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Vets waiting room:
>
> 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Restaurant window:
>
> 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed
> up.'
>
> **************************
>
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
>
> 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
>
> **************************
>
> And don't forget the sign at a
>
> RADIATOR SHOP:
>
> 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
>
> **********************
>
> Sign on the back of yet another
>
> Septic Tank Truck:
>
> 'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

[jcheckers]

Robot Bartender

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about football, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very fascinating, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[jcheckers]

This gynecologist gets a surprise from a patient.

A gynecologist is getting ready for his first appointment of the day, who happens to be a very attractive woman. As she enters, he thinks to himself,

"I'm going to fuck her."

So, he calls her in and gets her set up on the table and begins to grope her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.

"Yes, you're checking for breast cancer. Not a problem." she says.

Then he starts to finger her.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Sure, you're checking for cervical cancer. No big deal." she replies.

He then takes out his dick and starts fucking her.

"Now do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.

"Yeah, you're getting ghoneria."

[Spark]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart,

Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs,

restaurants, concerts, movies and museums.

Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.



Every date seemed better than the last.



On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,

Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.



While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.

I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question,

it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.

I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.

In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.

If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"



Dorothy took a deep breath and responded,

"Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.

I love you as you are and I love golf too;

but, since we're being totally honest with each other,

you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."



"Oh, wow! I see," Ed replied.

He looked down at the table,

and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought, then he added,

"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists

straight when you hit the ball."

[Spark]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'