Funny's

[shoeman530]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

[shoeman530]

3 pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for their appointments at the OB/GYN office. The brunette says to the redhead "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on the bottom during sex". The redhead then turns to the blonde and says "Oh, yeah? I know I am going to have a girl because I was on top during sex" The blonde then starts to cry and sob. "What's wrong?" the other two women ask her. The blonde turns to them and cries "I know now I'm going to have puppies!!!!"

[shoeman530]

Sam and Carol are newlyweds, living in their new home. Sam is teaching Carol how to golf. She smacks the ball with the club and it goes through the neighbor's window.

Knowing that they need to apologize, they head over to the neighbor's house. A strange looking little man opens the door.

Sam says, "Hi. Sorry to bother you. I'm Sam and this is my wife, Carol. We just moved in next door. I was teaching my wife to play golf, and she sent the ball flying through your window. I can't tell you how sorry I am. We will pay..."

The little man interrupted him. "You broke my window, but that doesn't concern me. When the ball flew in, it shattered a very old lamp. I am a genie and I lived in that lamp. Now I have no place to live. However, since you did let me out, I'm required to grant you 3 wishes."

Sam and Carol discuss this and tell the genie that they're so much in love, the only thing they could really want is financial security. The genie says, "You shall want for nothing as long as you both shall live."

They realize that this could mean that they could be dead tomorrow, so they immediately make their second wish. "We'd like to live long lives and die in each other's arms at a ripe old age." The genie tells them that they shall have their wish.

Sam and Carol cannot for the life of them figure out what they should wish for. Carol, still feeling remorse for the golf ball incident, says "You know, we've ruined your home. You should get the 3rd wish."
The genie is shocked, but after much deliberation, decides that his wish is to sleep with Carol. The couple agrees, and Carol and the genie go upstairs.

About an hour later, the genie comes downstairs and says to Sam "She's amazing! How old is she?"

Sam says "27."

The genie asks "How old are you?"

Sam says "30"

"And you two still believe in genies??"

[shoeman530]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he
says to her:
"Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says. "Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fuckin' hand off the intercom..."

[Spark]

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid it and realizes almost too late that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.


Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.


Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid-sentence and says, "Fer Chris-sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[Spark]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You
have to answer them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of
them immediately. OK?




Let's find out just how clever you really are....


























First Question:


You are participating in a race. You overtake the second
person. What
position are you in?




















Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and
you take his place,
you are second!


Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first
question, OK?


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


















Answer:If you answered that you are second to last, then
you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?




You're not very good at this, are you?
















Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your
head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.






Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add
30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?






Did you get 5000?


The correct answer is actually 4100.






If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.






Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3.
Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?














Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary.! Read the question again!






Okay, now the bonus round:


A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a
toothbrush. By
imitating the action ! of brushing his teeth he
successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a
pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
























He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

[Spark]

I HAVE A QUESTION







*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*









*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*











*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~







*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*







*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*








*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*







*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*








*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*








*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn

to play golf?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*







*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?

[okmelonhead]

What is a tragedy?

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be no accident either.

[kbsooner21]

[ToDaClub]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'



We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'



We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'






My condition has been upgraded from critical

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[kbsooner21]

Nice avatar btw

[jcindaville]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he
says to her:
"Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says. "Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fuckin' hand off the intercom..."

[Spark]

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America< B> .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

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Only in America .....do we leave cars20worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..


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Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens o ur hair, but darkens
our skin?

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Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Spark]

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'You know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed the barman. 'You lucky bastard, was she pretty?

Dunno............Never found the head!

[shoeman530]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A Small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of
a beech or a son of a birch?' The bi rch says he cannot tell.



Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.



The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?'



The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in.'