Funny's

[Spark]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[jcheckers]

Three blonde women died and were attempting to enter into Heaven. St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told them they would each be welcomed in but each must first explain to him the meaning of Easter...

The first blonde tosses her hair back and says, “Well, it’s a day in November usually around the 27th when you cook a turkey and lot of other food and everyone has a big feast and is thankful.”

St. Peter says,” OK, you’ll need to come back later”...

The second blonde tosses her hair back and says, “Well, it’s a day on the 25th of December when you put up and decorate a tree and Santa comes down the chimney and everyone get lots of presents.”

St. Peter say, “OK, you’ll need to come back later”...

The third blonde tosses her hair back and says, “Well, it’s a time we celebrate Our Lord Jesus Christ for being crucified and nailed to a cross and wore a crown of thorns, then He was taken down and sealed in a tomb.”
She then quickly added, “and one day every winter they let Him out and if He sees his shadow, we’ll have 6 more weeks of winter.”

[kbsooner21]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he
> > > looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
> > > Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be
> > > over in 30 minutes.
> > >
> > > The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
> > > a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going
> > > to do?" the homeowner asks.
> > >
> > > "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
> > > go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
> > > When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
> > > and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
> > > in the cage in the back of the van."
> > >
> > > He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
> > >
> > > "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
> > >
> > > "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the
> > >
> > > dog."

[jcheckers]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,” says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.”

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.”

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,” says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.”

“That makes sense,” says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?”

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.”

[kbsooner21]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

[Spark]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,so I did; she's 21 and her name's Lucy.-----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.-----------------------------------------------------------

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and lowcut tops, although they do make me look a bit gay.-----------------------------------------------------------

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girlin his class give him a hand-job. I said: "Son, that's 3 schools this year!You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."-----------------------------------------------------------

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.Could only use it for half an hour,as I started to feel sick.It's great though; it provides me with everything I need:Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Potato chips, the lot."-----------------------------------------------------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US?17% said yes;
11% said no;72% said:"I am not understanding the question please.".
-------------------------------------------------------------

A man calls 911 and says:"I think my wife is dead."The operator says:"How do you know?"He says:"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"------------------------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.Well, she's notexactly my girlfriend yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife says to her husband:"You're always pushing me around and talkingbehind my back."And he says:"What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you getreincarnated but must come back as a different creature.She said she would like to come back as a cow.I said: "You obviously haven't been listening."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife has been missing a week now.The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.----------------------------------------------------------------------

[jcheckers]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

[ToDaClub]

It's a great read!!!

Thought I'd let you know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.......

[jcheckers]

Roger left for work on Friday 13th morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Ldawg]

Spark got a new 4 wheeler for offroad

[Spark]

Thanks Phil

[PhilJr]

My wife
hosted a dinner party for family, far and wide, and everyone was
encouraged to bring all their children as well.

During dinner, my
four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could
hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my
face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from
staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it
was too much for me. I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at
me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table
went quiet waiting for her response.

My little niece said, "KB I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[kbsooner21]

My wife
hosted a dinner party for family, far and wide, and everyone was
encouraged to bring all their children as well.

During dinner, my
four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could
hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my
face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from
staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it
was too much for me. I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at
me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table
went quiet waiting for her response.

My little niece said, "KB I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."