Funny's

[baseballdave]

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No,Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

[Spark]

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and doing the Oprah diet...Pussy.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord.. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet AND tits. Anything else and you are a homo in training.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; any problem can be resolved on that same seat with due thought and no interruptions.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A real man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'. If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and chocolate syrup, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a bacon double cheeseburger (with large order of fries), light up a good cigar and/or hold his beer.

[kbsooner21]

"If you've put a decay soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.".


This cracks me up everytime!

[Spark]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America .." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[jcheckers]

[moondog22]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America .." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[Spark]

............

[Spark]

Dementia quiz:

First question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








answer : If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second place!

try to do better next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as
you took for the first question, ok?





Second question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are....?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~











answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are.....
Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person??


you're not very good at this, are you?


Third question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note:
This must be done in your head only.
Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.. What is the total?

Scroll down for the correct answer.....




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100...



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?



maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe...



Fourth question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3... Nini, 4. Nono, and ???



2. What is the name of the fifth daughter? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~







did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn't.
Her name is mary! Read the question again!





okay, now the bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:





A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~






it's really very simple
he opens his mouth and asks for it...


does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so do not let them see your answers for this test!

[okmelonhead]

[baseballdave]

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .


There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.


I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

[jcheckers]

A true Steeler fan...........

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Steeler's playoff game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."







"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for a Steeler's playoff game, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Steelers game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Go Steelers!

[jcheckers]

The Redneck Vs. The Russion

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to
square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer
came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done
on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel'
hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.'

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled
each other several times, looking for an
opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was
lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable
happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a
cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to
watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed
on top of him, making the pin and winning the
match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did
you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw
this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to
lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and
bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him
off?'

'Not really. But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own nuts!'

[bearman]

As an ex-wrestling coach I've been telling the pretzel hold joke for over 30 yrs. It's still funny.

[jcheckers]

[jcheckers]

An Italian, Scotsman and Chinaman are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesa fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinaman leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells Supplies!