Cnotes Joke of the Day........Enjoy the day with a laugh !!

[StarDust Bum]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

joke dinner pharmacist
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!" The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

[StarDust Bum]

Subject: Senior Job
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read;
“The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $125,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief . . . I live in Denver, Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

[StarDust Bum]

Subject: Fwd: Fw: The Ambidextrous Woman Golfer




A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. Sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth"

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fiftee n minutes late!"

[StarDust Bum]

8 Non-Routine Medical Tests Could Save Your Life
If you want to make sure that you live a life that is as happy and healthy as possible, then you really need to start taking care of your health as early as possible. Below, we've listed 8 non-routine tests that really have the potential to save your life, and some of them even need to be done as early as 30.

1. Duplex Ultrasound
Medical Tests
A duplex ultrasound uses B-mode imaging to examine the carotid arteries. This allows a 3D image of your artery walls to be created. Additionally, it will also create a pulsed Doppler scan, which will measure the speed of blood flow through the arteries.

The procedure itself is fairly simple, as a technician only needs to move an ultrasound probe over your carotid arteries. You should take this test if you're over 50, have experienced symptoms of a mini-stroke, or have other risk factors for stroke or heart disease.

2. High Sensitivity C-Reactive Protein Test
Medical Tests
This test measures your blood protein levels for a particular type of protein that is associated with inflammation, and which is known to increase the risk of stroke and heart disease.

The procedure itself consists of a simple blood test. You should take it if you're over 35, have a family history of heart disease or stroke, or have at least one major risk factor for stroke or heart disease.

3. Homocysteine Test
Medical Tests
A homocysteine test will scan your blood for homocysteine, an amino acid which is known to cause a build-up of plaque in the arteries.

To take this test, you will need to fast for at least 8 hours before going for a blood test. You should get it done if you're over 35 and have at least one major risk factor for stroke or heart disease.

4. Electron Beam Computed Tomogram
Medical Tests

If you're worried about heart disease, then getting this test done may give you some peace of mind. This is because an electron beam computed tomogram measures calcium levels in your coronary arteries, which have been linked to heart disease.

To take this test, an imaging machine needs to scan your chest, in order to create pictures of your internal organs. You should ask for this test if you're over 35 and have at least two major risk factors for heart disease.

5. Fasting Blood Glucose Test
Medical Tests
This test measures the amount of glucose that is present in your blood, which can help determine your risk of developing type-2 diabetes.

To take this test, you will need to fast for 8 to 12 hours before going for a blood test. You should get it done if you're over 30 and have any risk factors for diabetes, such as a sedentary lifestyle, obesity, or have a family history of diabetes.

6. Isotope Treadmill Stress Test
Medical Tests
This test will help to identify the location and degree of severity of reduced blood flow to the heart, by mapping 3D images of your heart at rest, during exercise, and after exercise.

Doctors recommend taking this test if you are over 45, are planning to begin a vigorous aerobic exercise program, or have 3 or more risk factors for heart disease.

7. DEXA Scan
Medical Tests
A DEXA scan examines your bone mass density in order to work out how strong your bones are, as well as what your risk of osteoporosis is.

To carry out a DEXA scan, you simply need to lie down on a padded platform, while an image scanner slowly passes over your entire body. You should get one done if you're over 50 and have at least 2 risk factors for osteoporosis, such as excessive caffeine or alcohol use, smoking, a family history of osteoporosis, or a diet low in vitamin D or calcium.

8. Colonoscopy
Medical Tests

When you undergo a colonoscopy, your doctor will pass a colonoscope up your entire colon in order to search for early signs of cancer, abnormal growths, and inflammation in the colon.

The exam takes between 15 and 30 minutes and you should be given a sedative to keep you comfortable. All persons over 50 should get a colonoscopy done, as well as everyone over 40 who have risk factors such as excessive alcohol use, smoking, a family history of colon cancer, or inflammatory bowel disease.

[StarDust Bum]

The Husband, the Wife and the Laptop
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types "mypenis".


As he hits "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.

The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

[StarDust Bum]

A Ventriloquist Tours Norway
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling:
"You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little asshat on your lap!"

[StarDust Bum]

Have You Heard This One? Shocking News!
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. And, to his surprise, the donkey came in third!
joke donkey preacher
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop, however, was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.
joke donkey preacher
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

And this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

[StarDust Bum]

'Where Are They?!' A Hilarious Joke
The army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through lots of retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone.

In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.
He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God man!" he said, "where are your testicles??"

"Vietnam," smiled the general.

[StarDust Bum]

Joke: The Supportive Wife

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.

John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John was a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

"Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk!"

[StarDust Bum]

BREAKFAST SPECIAL
.............................. ...

You will understand this one;
and if you deal with seniors,
this should help you understand them
a little better.
And
if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be.....

The $2.99 Special.


We
went to breakfast at a restaurant
where the 'seniors' special' was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49
because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for
not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress..
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?'
the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

So she took the two eggs home
and baked a cake!




DON'T
MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around
the block more than once!


Send this to the Seniors in your life.
I'm sure they'll appreciate it!

[StarDust Bum]

European Plastic Bags

[StarDust Bum]

Joke: Don't Step On the Ducks
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

joke ducks

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Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”


The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

[StarDust Bum]

Joke: It's All About Perspective
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, barely wanting to get out of bed, he decided to commit suicide.
joke man with waking up
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He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought
"There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. I should try and get a bionic hand like the doctors said!"

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My groin is itchy.

[StarDust Bum]

Make sure that you understand the question first.

We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. (Some of us anyway!)

Enjoy! --- What Is Couple Sex?


An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

[StarDust Bum]

Joke: Hiding Under the Truck (Rude)

George wanted to last longer during intercourse.

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.

Suddenly, George had a flash of inspiration, and he realized what he should do.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck’s undercarriage.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to pleasure himself.

Thinking that the car’s undercarriage was a bit of a turn-off, he firmly closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Then he heard the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”