Cnotes Joke of the Day........Enjoy the day with a laugh !!

[StarDust Bum]

Joke: A Fine Day for Coursing!

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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority. Figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

golf joke

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

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The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- so what do you think? intercourse or golf course?'

She said: "Don't forget your hat."

[StarDust Bum]

My Husband Decided to Invite His Friend Over...

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.

"Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

[StarDust Bum]

Which Size Will You Be Going For, Dear Rabbi?

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large."

Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[StarDust Bum]

Sometimes, People Take Things Too Literally

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal and not watch up the dead

[StarDust Bum]

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
passenger plane interior
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"No," she says. "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.

[BettorsChat]

I've read the Joke about 3 legs and coming down with 4, but not this one.

[StarDust Bum]

A Blonde Calls 911 to Report Stolen Car Parts

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.


The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."



Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

[StarDust Bum]

Wisdom From an Elderly Jewish Man


A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall"

[StarDust Bum]

Have You Heard This One? How Congress Really Works!

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.


Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

joke congress
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.

joke congress
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[StarDust Bum]

This Is One Party He'll Be Glad Not to Have Attended...

One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.


His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.





“Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman commented.

Craig, in obvious pain, replied: “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

The postman thought for a moment and said: “How do you play WHO AM I?”

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”





The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Craig responded. “Your name came up seven times.”

[StarDust Bum]

Subject: JEWISH RYE BREAD ��


Two guys, one 78 and one 82, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 82 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 78 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 82 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies!."

So, on the way home the 78 year old stops at the Jewish bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread? She said, "Why yes, we have a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?

He said, "I would like 5 loaves please.. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard.

He replied, "I can't friggin believe it, everybody knows about this but me!"

[StarDust Bum]

Whoa, Your Wife Is Ugly!
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says:

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[StarDust Bum]

Joke: Dad Gets Owned By Mom (Rude)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father: “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers. “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

[StarDust Bum]

Subject: ⭐️Fwd: Little Girl on Airplane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book

[StarDust Bum]

Joke: A Sudden Malfunction

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."