Borowitz Report For Today

[savage1]

PENTAGON ORDERS MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD TO PROTECT RUMSFELD
High-Tech Device Could Protect Defense Secretary from Retired Generals, Congress

The Pentagon has ordered what it calls "a state-of-the-art high-tech missile defense shield" to protect Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld from future attacks, Mr. Rumsfeld confirmed at a Pentagon briefing today.

The defense shield, to be built at a cost of $147 billion, is believed to be the first major antiballistic missile system constructed specifically to protect an embattled Cabinet member.

Increasingly coming under fire from retired generals and congressional critics, Secretary Rumsfeld had hoped that his obfuscating use of the English language would be sufficient to protect him from further attacks.

But with more frequent calls for his resignation in recent weeks, the Defense Secretary realized that some sort of antiballistic missile shield, like the one being considered to protect NATO countries from a potential Iranian nuclear threat, was in order.

At the Pentagon briefing, Secretary Rumsfeld demonstrated how such a missile defense shield could be used to protect his job from future assaults, using miniature models of antiballistic missiles, missile silos and Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del).

"The minute Joe Biden appears on 'Meet the Press" and starts flapping his gums about my resigning, I shout 'incoming!' and the defense shield knocks him off the air," Mr. Rumsfeld chuckled. "He won't even know what hit him."

If the missile defense shield succeeds in protecting Mr. Rumsfeld's position, military analysts say, similar systems could be implemented to protect the jobs of presidential advisor Karl Rove and Vice President Dick Cheney.

Elsewhere, actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced today that their new baby Shiloh said his first self-important words.
ANDY IN NYC JUNE 26 - SAVE THE DATE!
Andy's next New York show will be on Monday, June 26. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy's newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6,

[BettorsChat]

Still couldn't protect him from Dicks shotgun

[savage1]

Monte-I don't know if you read the Borowitz already every day;if you don't and would like to, I can provide you with the line.
I put him in the Bill Maher category with a marvelous, saracastic sense of humor most of which pertains to the Bush Administration.

[savage1]

Breaking News
IRAN TRYING TO OBTAIN PARIS HILTON'S ALBUM
Claims It Will Be Used For 'Peaceful Purposes'

One day after hotel heiress Paris Hilton announced that she is recording her debut album as a singer, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that his country was attempting to obtain an early copy of the record but claimed Iran would use it only for "peaceful purposes."

For Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who this week has been attempting to engage Iran in a conversation about its nuclear program, the news that the Iranians were trying to obtain Ms. Hilton's debut album was a serious foreign policy setback.

"We regard any attempt by Iran to obtain Paris Hilton's album as a threat to the region and we will not sit idly by while that happens," Dr. Rice said at a press conference in Washington today.

But in an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, the ambassador from Great Britain warned that aerial photos taken by a spy satellite indicated that bootlegged copies of Paris Hilton's album have already been smuggled into Iran and may be on the verge of being enriched and weaponized.

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said that if attached to the tip of a long-range missile, Paris Hilton's new album could threaten not just the Middle East but parts of Europe as well.

"This is the most serious threat to world peace since North Korea obtained an early DVD of 'Gigli,'" Mr. Annan said.

Elsewhere, one day after their latest album reached number one on the pop and country charts, President Bush named all three Dixie Chicks to the Axis of Evil.
ANDY IN NYC JUNE 26 - SAVE THE DATE!
Andy's next New York show will be on Monday, June 26. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy's newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6, available at the door or at www.ticketweb.com.


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[savage1]

PENTAGON CALLS 'OPERATION INSTANT EXONERATION' A SUCCESS
Military Probe of Iraqi Raid Sets New World Speed Record

After the U.S. military said it had cleared of any wrongdoing a commander who led a raid on a home in the Iraqi town of Ishaqi, the Pentagon announced that its latest mission, dubbed Operation Instant Exoneration, had been a stunning success.

At a press briefing at the Pentagon today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld revealed that Operation Instant Exoneration, in which military officials charged with wrongdoing are exonerated more swiftly than ever before, was the culmination of months of meticulous planning.

"We have worked hard to make our military probes faster, lighter, and more cursory than ever before," Secretary Rumsfeld said. "When it is time to exonerate military personnel who have been involved in raids or massacres, we believe we now have what it takes to hit the ground running."

Secretary Rumsfeld noted that the military's probe of the Ishaqi raid had set a new world speed record for exonerations, but added that the military would try to beat that record when it came time to probe the killings in the Iraqi town of Haditha.

"We exonerated the commander at Ishaqi pretty darn quickly, but a record like that is made to be broken," Mr. Rumsfeld said.

Acknowledging that some innocent civilians had perished in both incidents, Mr. Rumsfeld said that he would send out a memo to commanders to clear up apparent confusion about the war's actual objective: "Operation Iraqi Freedom does not mean making the country free of Iraqis."

Elsewhere, restaurants could help fight obesity by serving smaller portions, according to a new study published today in "Duh" magazine.
ANDY IN NYC JUNE 26 - SAVE THE DATE!
Andy's next New York show will be on Monday, June 26. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy's newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6, available at the door or at www.ticketweb.com.


The Borowitz Report: Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend.


ps-I would hope that anyone who chooses to read what Borowitz says every day can read it and hopefully get a chuckle out of it no matter what his/her political leanings are in the same way as the parody expressed in shows like Saturday Night Live.

[savage1]

I don't update this every day, but I think this one is pretty funny no matter where you stand politically;don't forget to read the last line!

ANN COULTER CHALLENGES PRESIDENT OF IRAN TO INSANE COMMENT CONTEST
Conservative Pundit, Iranian Madman to Face Off on Live TV

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter today challenged Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to what she called "an insane comment contest" on live TV to determine who is the insane comment champion of the world.

Appearing on Fox News this morning, the sharp-tongued darling of the right wing said that while she respects Mr. Ahmadinejad's work, she believes he will be "no match" for her arsenal of crazy, unhinged remarks.

"I've heard Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's nutty rants in the past, and while I think he comes off like a total bananahead, in a one-on-one with me he will be the picture of sanity," Ms. Coulter said.

In Iran, President Ahmadinejad accepted Ms. Coulter's challenge and said that while he was "confident of victory" he recognized that besting her in an insane comment contest "would not be easy."

"In any competition involving verbal lunacy, Ann Coulter is the favorite going in," Mr. Ahmadinejad. "I will need to train for this for months."

But even as the rules for the insane comment contest were being set, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il and televangelist Pat Robertson expressed outrage that they had been excluded from the competition and demanded to be invited.

Within hours, Ms. Coulter apologized for omitting President Kim and the Rev. Robertson but said that the omission would be corrected: "Me, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Pat Robertson and Kim Jong-Il: that's the Final Four."

Elsewhere, President Bush hailed the elimination of terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, telling reporters, "The world has been rid of a tricky-to-pronounce name."
ANDY IN NYC JUNE 26 - SAVE THE DATE!
Andy's next New York show will be on Monday, June 26. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy's newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6,

[savage1]

Here is an interesting one to ponder:

Breaking News
ROVE, SATAN PLOT G.O.P. FALL STRATEGY
White House Advisor, Prince of Darkness Resume Longtime Collaboration

At a joint press conference today in Washington, White House advisor Karl Rove said that he would be plotting the Republican Party's fall election strategy with his longtime comrade-in-arms, Satan.

The Prince of Darkness, wearing his traditional red horns and cape and carrying a smoldering pitchfork, appeared to beam as Mr. Rove, his protégé, talked about how much he was looking forward to working with him on the fall campaign.

"Every time Satan and I get together, good things happen," Mr. Rove said, adding, "Or should I say - bad things happen!"

The two of them then dissolved in laughter, demonstrating an easy collegiality that has made them an unbeatable team in past G.O.P. campaigns.

Satan's partnership with Mr. Rove goes back to 1994, when the two of them teamed up to orchestrate George W. Bush's first election as Governor.

But their work together reached its apogee, perhaps, during the 2004 presidential election, in which Mr. Rove and Satan devised the infernal "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" campaign.

While Satan let Mr. Rove have most of the spotlight in the hour-long press conference, he did take the microphone to say that he had been "relieved" recently when the White House advisor was cleared of all charges in the CIA leak investigation.

"I can't imagine running a Republican campaign without my buddy here," he said, giving Mr. Rove a bear hug. "There are plenty of Satans out there, but there's only one Karl Rove."

Elsewhere, Dan Rather retired from CBS after 44 years there but said that he would remain active in news and misinformation.
ANDY IN NYC THIS MONDAY JUNE 26!
Andy's next New York show will be this Monday, June 26. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy's newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6,

[savage1]

CHENEY STARS IN PRO-GLOBAL WARMING FILM
‘A Really Convenient Truth’ Set For Nationwide Release

In an attempt to counteract the impact of former Vice President Al Gore’s cautionary film about global warming, “An Inconvenient Truth,” Vice President Dick Cheney is starring in a new film advocating global warming, Mr. Cheney confirmed today.

The Cheney film, entitled “A Really Convenient Truth,” will open in theaters nationwide in time for the fall 2006 midterm elections.

“I saw the Al Gore movie, and quite frankly, the whole thing was a downer from the word go,” Mr. Cheney said at a White House press briefing. “I thought it was time to tell the American people the good news about global warming.”

“The truth is, as the entire world turns into a red-hot tropical zone, it will be possible to go on vacation wherever you are,” Mr. Cheney added. “When was the last time you wanted to take a vacation on a glacier?”

The vice president added that soon it will be so hot everywhere in the country that it will no longer be necessary to go to Florida for vacation, adding, “which is a good thing, because no one can afford to drive to Florida anymore.”

Mr. Cheney said he would show his film to the U.S. Supreme Court and let the justices decide whose film is better, his or Mr. Gore’s.

At the Supreme Court today, the justices found in favor of Mr. Cheney’s film by a 5-4 vote.

Elsewhere, after a new study showed that boys with older brothers are more likely to be gay, President Bush proposed a constitutional amendment banning older brothers.
ANDY IN NYC JULY 24 – SAVE THE DATE!
Andy’s next New York show will be this Monday, July 24. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy’s newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin’s House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6; available at www.ticketweb.com or at the door.


The Borowitz Report: Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend.

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[savage1]

BUSH DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM CONSTITUTION
Blasts Historic Document in Fourth of July Address

In a nationally televised Fourth of July address, President George W. Bush stunned the nation by announcing that he was declaring himself independent from the United States Constitution.

“Just as our forefathers threw off the horrible yoke of British rule on July 4, 1976, today I am throwing off the yoke of this truly annoying document,” Mr. Bush said.

Mr. Bush said that the original copy of the Constitution would be auctioned on eBay and that proceeds from that sale would help pay for a “long overdue” cut in the estate tax.

According to the president’s aides, ever since the Supreme Court decided last week that the use of military tribunals in Guantanamo was unconstitutional Mr. Bush had been looking for a way around that decision, even contemplating sending the Justices themselves to Guanatanamo.

Ultimately, one aide said, the president decided that a declaration of independence from the Constitution was the most workable solution: “The fact is, whenever we’re trying to get something done around here, that stupid Constitution gets in the way.”

Mr. Bush acknowledged that some legal scholars would call his declaration of independence from the Constitution unconstitutional, but added, “To those people I say, no backsies.”

The president said that while he was no longer required to obey the U.S. Constitution, he still respected the Declaration of Independence, “because it has a really cool treasure map on the back.”

Elsewhere, after his wife and daughter appeared on Iraq’s most-wanted list, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein demanded that his mother-in-law be put on the list as well.
ANDY IN NYC JULY 24 – SAVE THE DATE!
Andy’s next New York show will be this Monday, July 24. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy’s newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin’s House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6; available at www.ticketweb.com or at the door.



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[savage1]

PAT ROBERTSON SENT TO NORTH KOREA FOR MADMAN-TO-MADMAN TALKS
Televangelist Selected From Shortlist of Bananaheads

The Reverend Pat Robertson left today for North Korea to engage in what the State Department called a series of high-level “madman-to-madman” talks with North Korean president Kim Jong-Il.

The United States, frustrated that six-party nuclear talks with North Korea did not prevent President Kim from firing test missiles last week, are cautiously optimistic that one-on-one talks between the two lunatics will help break the logjam.

“We needed to find someone who speaks Kim Jong-Il’s language,” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters today. “And by that I do not mean Korean -- I mean crazy-talk.”

After the United States determined that madman-to-madman talks were their best chance for success, the State Department compiled a shortlist of bananaheads, including the Rev. Robertson, former presidential candidate Ralph Nader, and former Partridge Family drummer Danny Bonaduce.

“That was a very, very competitive field, but we are confident that in Pat Robertson we have found a whackjob on the same level as Kim Jong-Il,” Dr. Rice said.

Boarding a military aircraft for North Korea, the televangelist said that he had many gifts to bring the North Korean president, including a lifetime supply of Pat Robertson’s Age-Defying Shake™.

The Rev. Robertson said that his initial goal would be to find “common ground” with the mercurial Kim: “I’m going to start by talking about the things that all reasonable people agree on, such as, God creates hurricanes because he’s angry about gay marriage.”

Elsewhere, after a 62-year-old woman in Britain gave birth on Wednesday, Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline denied responsibility.

[savage1]

BUSH THE VICTIM OF IDENTITY THEFT
Credit Card Numbers Traced to Secure, Undisclosed Location, President Says

At a press briefing at the White House today, President George W. Bush revealed that he had been the victim of identity theft for the past five years and that his Social Security and credit card numbers had been traced to a secure, undisclosed location.

"I am here to say to all Americans that if it can happen to me, it can happen to you," Mr. Bush said, adding that whoever stole his identity had been using it "day in, day out" for his entire tenure in the White House.

The president said he first learned that he had been the victim of identity theft over the 4th of July holiday, when he attempted to use his MasterCard at a bike store and it was declined "because someone in another state was using it to buy quail-hunting rifles."

After the president told MasterCard that those charges were not his, the credit card representative ran down a list of other recent charges, including a $14.3 billion construction contract with the Halliburton Company.

"I told them that I didn't make that charge, but then I went ahead and approved it," he said. "I would've approved it sooner or later."

While Mr. Bush said he was troubled by the theft of his credit card numbers, the loss of his Social Security number did not worry him: "Let's face it, I'm never going to fix Social Security anyway."

Elsewhere, in what appears to be redemption for his performance in the 2006 FIFA World Cup, French football star Zinedine Zidane was elected President of Italy.

[savage1]

MAN IN COMA FOR NINETEEN YEARS ASKS TO GO BACK TO SLEEP
Bush Administration, Paris Hilton Top Coma Man's Concerns

In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a nineteen-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.

At a press conference in Jacksonville, Florida today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, "But then I turned on the TV."

Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.

"I was happy at first, because I thought, well good, 'Saturday Night Live' is still on and that's my favorite show," he said. "Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House and I became very depressed."

After hearing the President field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit "couldn't take it anymore."

Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show "The Simple Life."

"That was really the straw that broke the camel's back," he said. "I don't want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that."

Mr. Deloit's doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: "Millions of other people would want the same thing."

Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."

[savage1]

BUSH NAMES SYRIA, IRAN TO 'AXIS OF ASSHOLES'
President's Obscenity-Laden Keynote Address Rocks G-8 Summit

Days after using an expletive in discussing the Middle East conflict with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, President George W. Bush's potty mouth was at it again, this time in a 45-minute obscenity-laden keynote address to the G-8 summit.

It was a startling performance for the President, who used the raunchy, paint-peeling address to name Iran and Syria to what he called "The Axis of Assholes."

Mr. Bush said that the role played by the two nations in the ongoing conflict with Israel was evidence of "a larger pattern of asshole behavior."

Calling on all of the G-8 leaders to take part in what he termed "the war on assholes," the President closed with a stirring exhortation: "Are you with us, or are you with the assholes?"

Many of the G-8 leaders in attendance seemed taken aback by the President's remarks, which seemed at times more appropriate for an appearance on Howard Stern's radio program than for a diplomatic summit.

"This was not the sort of language one expects from the President of the United States," said Russian president Vladimir Putin. "This is more what you'd expect from Dick Cheney."

Moreover, President Bush seemed to be taking a calculated risk in his raunchy keynote address, since any call for a united front against assholes could offend many of the assholes in attendance.

"The President's remarks were ill-considered and uncalled-for," said prominent asshole Jacques Chirac.

Elsewhere, what scientists originally thought was a gigantic new planet in the solar system has turned out to be film director M. Night Shyamalan's ego.
ANDY IN NYC JULY 24 – SAVE THE DATE!
Andy’s next New York show will be Monday, July 24. Lucky audience members win a free autographed copy of Andy’s newest book, THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. At Mo Pitkin’s House of Satisfaction, Avenue A between 2nd and 3rd. Doors open at 8; show at 8:30. Tickets only $6; available at www.ticketweb.com or at the door.

ANDY ON COMEDY CENTRAL AUGUST 4
See Andy on Comedy Central's "Live At Gotham" on Friday, August 4. 11 PM EST; check local listings.

BECOME ANDY'S FRIEND ON MYSPACE!
Add Andy to your MySpace friends: go to http://www.myspace.com/andyborowitz



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[savage1]

I don't post these every days obviously, but here is one I like:

FAA Bans People From Flights
'Zero Tolerance for People,' Chertoff Says

In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.

The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror plots.

"We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people were involved," said Homeland Security Michael Chertoff at a Washington press briefing. "These new rules send the strong message that the FAA has zero tolerance for people."

Mr. Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether.

"Let's face it, hair gel doesn't kill people," he said. "People kill people."

The Homeland Security Secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail Americans' ability to travel, but added, "On the plus side, that will make them easier for us to spy on."

The FAA's ban on people onboard flights raised questions for the nation's airlines, which must now ponder what, if anything, there airplanes will be carrying.

But Davis Logsdon, who studies the airline industry at the University of Minnesota, said that the FAA's crackdown on people could be a "win-win" for the airlines: "Maybe if the airlines don't have people to worry about, they can finally concentrate on getting our luggage to the right destination."

Elsewhere, al-Qaeda disavowed responsibility for a terror plot to make Americans' laptops burst into flames, blaming it instead on Dell.

[screwtape]