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Have you ever wanted to do something but were afraid to do it because of what other people might think of you if they saw you doing....whatever it was? I can remember hiding all my gambling stats, handicapping info, ect....when friends or relatives would come over to visit. One day my girlfriend asked my why I freaked out like that when people would "stop by" to visit. I'd make them wait outside until I had everything put away. My girlfried thought I was weird for doing that. "It's not like it's against the law or anything" is what she told me. She thought I was over-reacting to the situation.
I remember telling her that just because something is not against the law does not make it morally right. Ahhhhhh, the moral issue thing was being brought up. She then asked me "Well, what about us living together then? Are you gonna hide me away when friends and family come over like you do your gambling stuff?" Why don't you just stick me in the drawer when you hide you gambling stuff?" She had a point. And it made me begin to think about somethings.
Why was I wanting to hide my gambling stuff when people came over? I was beginning to then see that I had two groups of friends/aquantances. First were my gambling buddies who never came by the house, but I would always meet up with them at the OTB or bar/club. The next group of people were those who I'd known all my life, including "family" who knew nothing about my gambling, and would just stop by without calling first. I hated that.
I understand today why gambling is called "the hidden disorder." It has no smell, or crazy looking eyes like alcohol or drugs can have on a person. It makes it hard for others to see what is going on. Most gamblers deny that they have a gambling problem so the the disorder is called "the hidden addiction."
The DSM IV 312.31 section classifies it as as an "impulse disorder."
At the time though....I did not know this. All I knew was that I was a popular radio personality well liked in my town and by people who did not really know me. I was cool with that. People would come up to you who you never met before and would strike up a conversation like they had been your friend all their life. It was clear to me that they had identified with this "radio personality" that I had created, but it was obvious to me that the "radio personility" was not who I really was. It was a character, kinda like what an actor does.
I'm sure that there was a part of me who played a part of what made up my "radio personality", but I knew deep down inside that it was not who I truly was. I would act differently when "on the air" and "off the air" except when approched by people in public who I never met. The character would kick in and the role playing would begin.
It was like my brain would analyze this person I was speaking to and then determine how to act. For those of you who think this is some kinda psycho skits thing, ask yourself if you act certain ways around certain people in your life. It's normal in a sense to do so, but at what point do we truly know what it is costing us?
I think about my high school days when we classified people into certain areas. The Jocks, The Pot Heads, and the Drama Geeks. The Drama Geeks would always be who were they were regardless of what other people thought of them. They wore their heart on their sleeve. They were real and genuine. However, I on the other hand could not hang around them because it wasn't cool to be seen with them, even though some of the best times I can remember were with those type of people. This happened because I got hooked up with a girl once who would have them over at her house from time to time. The Drama Geeks would sing songs, and not really care about what others thought of them.
In my own teenage angst there was a part of me who resented the fact they could act that way. But I knew that I was the cool one, they knew that I was the cool one, so it was cool is as cool does. I can remember the kid with the guitar who with his John Denver hair and glasses glaring at me with this "you don't deserve her" look. If that what it was, I totally agree with him. He ended up at MIT, go figure...huh. But I was still the cool one....who went on to be this popular radio personality.
So my experience from life in this area taught me this lesson. Cool is what loneliness looks like from the outside in. That makes tremendous sense to me, because I know what being cool feels like. It's a consolation prize for not sharing yourself with others.
I wonder how many of us here at Betters Chat would share some things about who we really are outside the world of gambling. Is gambling the only thing we all have in common? What if everybody knew everybody here at BC and someone quit gambling? Would you still look that person up and see what is going on in their life? Or would you just phase them out and not care.
Are you lonely and isolated with yourself where you just feel miserable because you don't know why? We are a direct result of how we think other people think we are. But who are you....really? Scary stuff, eh kids? However, I promise you this....when you get past all the bullshit and can deal with some certain issues that you've buried so deep in your life you will have this peace like you have never had.
I know longer work as a "radio personality" or as a "gambling addiction counselor" or as an alcohol/drug counselor. However, I still deal with certain clients who want to modify their betting habits so they can control their impulse disorder when it come to the gambling thing. I charge them nothing for this service. I know eventually I'll have to do something with my life to make a living again, but right now this peace of mind I have and the ability to think so clearly is not worth selling myself out for someone I'm not. Finally, the lie is done.
I remember telling her that just because something is not against the law does not make it morally right. Ahhhhhh, the moral issue thing was being brought up. She then asked me "Well, what about us living together then? Are you gonna hide me away when friends and family come over like you do your gambling stuff?" Why don't you just stick me in the drawer when you hide you gambling stuff?" She had a point. And it made me begin to think about somethings.
Why was I wanting to hide my gambling stuff when people came over? I was beginning to then see that I had two groups of friends/aquantances. First were my gambling buddies who never came by the house, but I would always meet up with them at the OTB or bar/club. The next group of people were those who I'd known all my life, including "family" who knew nothing about my gambling, and would just stop by without calling first. I hated that.
I understand today why gambling is called "the hidden disorder." It has no smell, or crazy looking eyes like alcohol or drugs can have on a person. It makes it hard for others to see what is going on. Most gamblers deny that they have a gambling problem so the the disorder is called "the hidden addiction."
The DSM IV 312.31 section classifies it as as an "impulse disorder."
At the time though....I did not know this. All I knew was that I was a popular radio personality well liked in my town and by people who did not really know me. I was cool with that. People would come up to you who you never met before and would strike up a conversation like they had been your friend all their life. It was clear to me that they had identified with this "radio personality" that I had created, but it was obvious to me that the "radio personility" was not who I really was. It was a character, kinda like what an actor does.
I'm sure that there was a part of me who played a part of what made up my "radio personality", but I knew deep down inside that it was not who I truly was. I would act differently when "on the air" and "off the air" except when approched by people in public who I never met. The character would kick in and the role playing would begin.
It was like my brain would analyze this person I was speaking to and then determine how to act. For those of you who think this is some kinda psycho skits thing, ask yourself if you act certain ways around certain people in your life. It's normal in a sense to do so, but at what point do we truly know what it is costing us?
I think about my high school days when we classified people into certain areas. The Jocks, The Pot Heads, and the Drama Geeks. The Drama Geeks would always be who were they were regardless of what other people thought of them. They wore their heart on their sleeve. They were real and genuine. However, I on the other hand could not hang around them because it wasn't cool to be seen with them, even though some of the best times I can remember were with those type of people. This happened because I got hooked up with a girl once who would have them over at her house from time to time. The Drama Geeks would sing songs, and not really care about what others thought of them.
In my own teenage angst there was a part of me who resented the fact they could act that way. But I knew that I was the cool one, they knew that I was the cool one, so it was cool is as cool does. I can remember the kid with the guitar who with his John Denver hair and glasses glaring at me with this "you don't deserve her" look. If that what it was, I totally agree with him. He ended up at MIT, go figure...huh. But I was still the cool one....who went on to be this popular radio personality.
So my experience from life in this area taught me this lesson. Cool is what loneliness looks like from the outside in. That makes tremendous sense to me, because I know what being cool feels like. It's a consolation prize for not sharing yourself with others.
I wonder how many of us here at Betters Chat would share some things about who we really are outside the world of gambling. Is gambling the only thing we all have in common? What if everybody knew everybody here at BC and someone quit gambling? Would you still look that person up and see what is going on in their life? Or would you just phase them out and not care.
Are you lonely and isolated with yourself where you just feel miserable because you don't know why? We are a direct result of how we think other people think we are. But who are you....really? Scary stuff, eh kids? However, I promise you this....when you get past all the bullshit and can deal with some certain issues that you've buried so deep in your life you will have this peace like you have never had.
I know longer work as a "radio personality" or as a "gambling addiction counselor" or as an alcohol/drug counselor. However, I still deal with certain clients who want to modify their betting habits so they can control their impulse disorder when it come to the gambling thing. I charge them nothing for this service. I know eventually I'll have to do something with my life to make a living again, but right now this peace of mind I have and the ability to think so clearly is not worth selling myself out for someone I'm not. Finally, the lie is done.
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