Arsenal for a Baseball Game

[rwall]

Things to say to the umpire....

*Don't bother brushing off the corners blue, you're not calling them anyway
*(after brushing off the plate) You'll make a great wife someday.
*That's why the shouldn't allow umpires to date the players.
*We know you're blind we've seen your wife.
*Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game?
*Blue, if you had another eye you'd be a cyclops.
*Which one of you umps is the designated driver?
*How can you sleep with all these lights on?
*I thought only horses slept standing up!
*Flip over the plate and read the directions.
*The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue.
*How'd you get a square head in a round mask?
*What were you the lookout for the Titanic?
*Keep calling them like that and you'll be bagging groceries by October.
*Now I know why there's only one i in umpire.
*How about some windex for that glass eye.

[TheRhino]

Those are pretty good!

[rwall]

Things to say to the team in the field....

*What did you do get your glove caught in your skirt?
*Hey they killed a cow to make that glove, the least you could do is try and use it.
*Did you read the directions when you bought that glove?
*OLLAY!!!
*A-B-C-D-EEEEEEE!
*I'd like to buy a vowel. An E please.
*Looks like we're playing Battleship. E (#?)
*Get the guy On-star he looks lost!
*Check your shorts (position)

[rwall]

Things to say to the pitcher....

*Hey pitcher, you keep hitting our bats.
*The plate's the white thing in front of the catcher.
*With all the zeroes on the board it looks like a Dunkin Donuts display case.
*I've seen more heat from an EZ Bake oven.
*The catchers throwing the ball back harder then you're throwing it in.
*Hey there's always softball.
*Throw the ball, not the game.
*I've seen better pitchers at a tupperware party.
*You've got as much control as two rabbits on a first date.
*Check the roster, You may be left (right) handed.

[rwall]

For the batter.....

*You have fewer hits then Vanilla Ice
*You should get 2 strikes for that ugly swing.
*You swing like a rusty gate.
*Swing your purse Sally.
*Drop the purse and pick up a bat.
*Nice hack OJ
*You better hurry up and hit one. The catcher is looking at your but.
*Apparently someone thinks batting practice is overrated.
*Be a pimp and slap it.
*Be a toilet bowl and handle this crap.
*Why'd you even bring the bat. (after a strike out looking)
*(after a strike out) Tell everyone in the dugout I said Hi.
*(after a strike out) Your hostess will seat you now.
*I wish my golf score was as good as your batting average.
*That's the Louisiana pitch...Bayou...
*You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat.
*You couldn't hit a bull in the but with a shovel.
*You have to swing the bat. It doesn't come with batteries.

[maxell]

When an infielder makes an error:
With those hands, "How do you eat?"

Good stuff rwall

[smooth53_98]

I like to yell to the referees at a football game (can also be used for baseball):

"Off your knees ref (ump), you're blowin' the game"

Great post rwall... I need to use some of these this year!

-smooth

[Kaptain]

Things to say to the umpire....

*Don't bother brushing off the corners blue, you're not calling them anyway
*(after brushing off the plate) You'll make a great wife someday.
*That's why the shouldn't allow umpires to date the players.
*We know you're blind we've seen your wife.
*Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game?
*Blue, if you had another eye you'd be a cyclops.
*Which one of you umps is the designated driver?
*How can you sleep with all these lights on?
*I thought only horses slept standing up!
*Flip over the plate and read the directions.
*The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue.
*How'd you get a square head in a round mask?
*What were you the lookout for the Titanic?
*Keep calling them like that and you'll be bagging groceries by October.
*Now I know why there's only one i in umpire.
*How about some windex for that glass eye.

*********************************************
RWALL---being an Umpire (hi School-College) for over 30 years, I can relate to those....Heard em all--plus so many I can't think of...Funny stuff...kapt
*********************************************

[BUD GREGG]

Kmann Thanks For Speaking Up For Us Officials, Like You I Do Baseball Besides Football, Minor League Included, I Tell People When Ask How You Do It, Hey I Been In The Ins Business For 30 Yrs Plus Got An Ex Wife Now What Are They Going To Yell I Haven't Already Heard?????????????? That Quiets Them Up

[rwall]

For Kmann and Bud

The Umpires Fight Back...


If I could afford the wood, I'd have your mouth boarded up!

If you're so important, why aren't the seats facing you?

Man, you're ugly, I bet if I follow you home, someone ugly will open the door!

Shouldn't you be at home airing up the tires on your house?

He got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

If you were any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week.

Here's an alcoholic who doesn't want to remain anonymous.

Thank you for sharing.

What's the matter, kid, didn't you get enough attention at home?

Don't yell at me, I ain't your mother.

Now I know why some animals eat their young.

You make me wish I'd donated to Planned Parenthood.

This year's poster child for zero population growth.

What holds your ears apart?

I see your therapy's coming along just fine.

What, was there no tractor pull on tonight?

Every village has one.

Is that your face or did you just catch a foul ball with your teeth?

Two more legs and you could star in a western.

This is my job. I don't criticize the way you mop floors when you're at work.

I don't show up at your job and unplug the Slurpee machine.

I'm sorry, I don't know how to deal with you, I'm an Umpire not a proctologist.

[bhs4life]

Good Stuff Rwall