Some Comedy

[wayne1218]

Newlyweds

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He
says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled
over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder,
gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!
Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave
my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another
performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet
tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my
beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was
4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened
her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had
ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

[wayne1218]

Where's My Car?

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches. "Can I help you, Sir?"

"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"

"It wassss at the end of thissss key!" the man answers.

About that time, the officer looks down and sees that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He says to the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The shocked man looks down and, without missing a beat, moans, "OHHHH GOD....They got my girlfriend, too!!!"

[wayne1218]

Poor Hillary

Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to discover that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened, when she is running for the Senate, too!!!

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone and immediately begins to berate him, screaming, "I just found out I'm 5 weeks PREGNANT, and it is all YOUR fault!!! How could you have let this HAPPEN? With all the trouble going on right now, how COULD you???!!! Well...what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but silence on the phone.

She screams again: "DID YOU HEAR ME????!!!"

She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

[wayne1218]

Where Are Your Clothes

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She hurried him into the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are YOU?" he demanded.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!!!"

[wayne1218]

Weather Bureau

A husband and wife were sound asleep at 2AM when the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and sleepily said, "Hello.......How the hell should I know.....what am I, the Weather Bureau???" He slammed the phone down and tried to get comfortable again.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know...some jerk wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[wayne1218]

Beer Test

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.

[wayne1218]

stolen car

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

[wayne1218]

Drunk Crawler

A gentleman was at a bar very late and was extremely drunk. He decided that since he lived close to the bar he would go ahead and walk home.

He tried to get up and fell flat on his face.

He dragged himself across the bar to the door and tried to haul himself up again.

He fell again. he crawled down the street to his front door and tried to stand again. Again he fell.

He managed to drag himself upstairs to his bed. He passed out right there in the floor.

The next morning his wife looked at him and said, "Out drinking again I see!"

He replied, "How'd you know?"

She said, "The bar just called. You left your wheelchair there again."

[wayne1218]

THE WOMAN IN PAIN

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "Be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "My diagnosis is that you are a natural blonde."

"Why, yes, but what does that have to do with my pain?" she asked.

"You have a broken finger."

[wayne1218]

I don't think the 1st four are as funny as the 2nd four which i think are hilarious but the Poor Hillary one is pretty funny. The Beer Test is hilarious too...... and the Drunk Crawler!

[Spark]

Very Good Wayne .. I was waiting for the drum roll after each one of those ....

[Spark]

Old farmer & his mule
>An old farmer had a horrible wife who nagged him mercilessly. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
>
>The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
>
>All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
>
>This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
>
>So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
>
>The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice she looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
>
>"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
>
>"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[phonepole]

10DimeBry goes to the drug store with his 12-year-old son.

His son stops at the condom display, grabs a package of 3 condoms off the rack, and asks, "Wow, dad, what are these for?"

Bryan answers, "That, son, is what you buy when you're in high school - one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, one for Sunday night."

His son says, "OK, Dad," then grabs a package of 6 condoms, and again asks, "then what are these for?"

Bryan calmly answers, "That, son, is what you buy when you're in college.... one for Thursday night, two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and one more for Sunday night."

His son puts those back, takes down a package of 12 condoms, and asks, "then what are these for, dad?"

To which Bryan replies, "That, son, is what you buy when you're married....................................
One for January, one for February......."


Wayne.... loved the last 4 too.... the moth cracked me up tho

[rwall]

peanuts

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he

>is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of

>peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

>After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands

>him another hand full of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

>At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the

>peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their

>old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

>"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

>Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just LOVE the chocolate around them!"

[northernstar]

I don't know if you heave read about the recent study that just came out in the USA Today about heaven. The study said that after extensive research they determined somewhat shockingly that only 30% of the people in heaven were women.

Researchers came to the conclusion that anymore women than that and it would be hell!!!