Some Comedy

[rwall]

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

[rwall]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

[Spark]

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

[rwall]

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the RedSox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Yankee cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the RedSox cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The RedSox fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a RedSox hat, I find an asshole."

[BUD GREGG]

Men Have Only Two Emotions, Hungry Or Horny, You See A Man Without An Erection Fix Him A Sandwich!

[wayne1218]

Q. There are three girls, all in the third grade: one
a brunette, one a redhead, and one is blonde. Which one
of them has the best body?
A. The blonde, because she's 19 years old.

Q. How do you measure a blonde's IQ?
A. With a tire gauge.

Q. What does a blonde say after she graduates from college?
A. "Hi, welcome to McDonalds."

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if a second blonde has used the same computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to put information into a computer once.

Q. What does a blonde say after a multiple orgasm?
A. "Way to go, team!"

[BigMike]

Pick up line:

You look tired. Why don't you crawl up my leg and hit the sack!

Shit I'm using that one tonight!!! FAT TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

[rwall]

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

[rwall]

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2005, the penis will be taxed according to size.
Which one would be your tax bracket?
The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

[BUD GREGG]

Man Walks Into A Bar, Sees A Sign Behind The Bar, Hand Jobs 20 Bucks, Cheese Sandwich 2 Bucks, Ask The Bartender If She Is The One That Gives The Hand Jobs, She Says Yeah What The Hell Can I Do For You?? He Says Wash Your Hands And Fix Me A Cheese Sandwich...............

[Spark]

>A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
>something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
>time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up
>to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and
>sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
>
>"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
>
>"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a
>period?''
>
>''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister

>was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
>next door shot himself."

[rwall]

More Pick up lines

PICKUP LINES

-I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
-Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her i just met the girl of my dreams.
OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.

-Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case the say yes]
-You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
-Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
-Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
T-he word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
-Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
-That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
-My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
-My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
-Nice shoes. Wanna f***?
Can I flirt with you?
-Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
-[Look at his/her shirt label.] [When they say, "What are you doing?", reply] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
-All those curves, and me with no brakes.
-If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
-F*** me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
-I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
-[Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
-Is it hot in here or is it just you?
-Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
-If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
-How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
-Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
-I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
-So... How am I doin'?
-How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
-[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
-Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I?

[rwall]

BigMike's Babypicture

[Spark]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
> >and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
> >The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
> >purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
> >
> >"What does it look like?", she finally asked.
> >
> >The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
> >
> >The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
> >the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
> >
> >The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
> >"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[rwall]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."