Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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Well, this is one prediction I got right this weekend,Originally posted by ToDaClub View PostIt never changes, no matter how old they are, they will find a way to keep you awake til all hours of the morning.
What's everyone got this weekend?
We have the Wiskey badgers at home for hockey this weekend (I know
) Then I'm hosting a superbowl party at my house. Everyone is invited! 
Monday will be hell 
Morning kyle, morning urgentersLeave a comment:
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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"Leave a comment:
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Got this in an email, anyone know if this really happened? I find it hard to believe.Leave a comment:
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It never changes, no matter how old they are, they will find a way to keep you awake til all hours of the morning.Originally posted by 10DimeBry View Post
What's everyone got this weekend?
We have the Wiskey badgers at home for hockey this weekend (I know) Then I'm hosting a superbowl party at my house. Everyone is invited! Monday will be hell
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Worst night so far with the 2 kids. Both kids were. Up til 2am crying and miserable.
Running on 3hrs sleep .....thank god for coffee!!!!Leave a comment:
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