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Top 10 Things Bound to Happen During Week of Big Game
By JIM ARMSTRONG, AOL Exclusive
Sports Commentary
Not that you could tell from the hype, but they're going to play a football game Sunday in Detroit.
You know, football? Three hours of trash talking interrupted by the occasional block and tackle? Wide receivers landing in the end zone and grabbing their crotches more often than the halftime entertainers? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Except this particular game is the Super Bowl, no more a mere football game than Brad-vs.-Jen is a mere marital spat. At least that's the way the media types will paint it.
And then, about midway through the third quarter, they'll realize it's not only just a game, but an unentertaining one at that. What, you thought the evidence against O.J. was one-sided? Check out those year-by-year Super Bowl scores. As often as not, the Budweiser frogs are more compelling than anything the game has to offer.
Since game day has been, shall we say, known to be anticlimactic, the trick to the Super Bowl is to sit back and enjoy the buildup, no matter how silly it can get. And trust us, it's going to get silly. It's gotten to the point where you can predict some of the pregame story lines before they emerge.
Herein, henceforth and just for the heck of it, America Online presents the Top 10 things bound to happen during Super Bowl week ...
1. The bad boy watch. Happens every time. The night before the game, one of the players does something my-brother-Darryl-and-my-other-brother-Darryl stupid. The tradition began the night before the first Super Bowl, when Packers wideout Max McGee stumbled through the hotel lobby just before breakfast. A few hours later, he caught two touchdown passes, inspiring future generations of Super Bowl combatants to pass out in the guacamole. Unfortunately, not all have met with similar results. Take former Falcon Eugene Robinson, who was pinched for solicitation on Super Bowl eve, or ex-Raider Barrett Robbins, who went AWOL to Tijuana, Mexico. If something happens this week, Windsor, Ont. figures to be the desired destination of debauchery. Located minutes away from downtown Detroit, the city is best known for what the locals call the ballet. What kind of ballet? Let's put it this way. If the Steelers are the team of Destiny, that must mean the Seahawks are Cinammon's team.
2. The fine whine. Think America's sports writers are going to spend the week writing about the history and romance of the NFL championship game? Not a chance. Instead of braving the cold, most will hole up in hotel rooms in their boxer shorts and trash the NFL for not holding the Super Bowl under a cluster of palm trees or within walking distance of the transvestite shows on Bourbon Street.
3. Talking the talk. One of the players will claim that if the planets are aligned and his team catches a few breaks and the other guys have a bunch of untimely turnovers, his team might stand a chance. Whereupon every sports writer in the audience will ordain him the next Joe Namath, who guaranteed a win for the Jets in SB III.
4. Denying the talk. Another player will toss around more trash than Fred Sanford, openly questioning how that sorry bunch of misfits across the line of scrimmage could have advanced this far, and wondering aloud why they didn't save the gas money and stay home. When the reporters ask him about it the next day, he'll say his comments were taken out of context. And then he'll wink at his P.R. director, who moments earlier explained to him what ''taken out of context'' means.
5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. The Steelers, particularly quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, will spend most of the week talking about how they don't get any respect. The same Steelers who are 4-point favorites in Las Vegas to win the game.
6. Profiles in cash. No laptop lizard worth his weight in frequent-flyer miles would miss out on the opportunity to chronicle the differences between Seahawks owner Paul Allen and Steelers owner Dan Rooney. Allen co-founded the Internet, collects Jimi Hendrix memorabilia and is rich enough to own the entire league. Rooney's dad, Art, bought the Steelers in the post-Depression era after a big day at the horsetrack.
7. The weather factor. Since the game is being played in the Upper Midwest in the middle of winter, hundreds of writers will feverishly crunch numbers until arriving at both quarterbacks' records when the temperature is 32 degrees or colder. And then, after waking up from the free booze in the hospitality lounge, they'll realize the game is being played indoors. What to do? Crunch a few more numbers and write about the quarterbacks' record in domes.
8. The silliest story of the week. Every writer in town will refer to Seattle tailback Shaun Alexander as the best player you've never read about. Trouble is, we've been reading those stories all year.
9. The battle of the babes. Roethlisberger used to date LPGA hottie Natalie Gulbis. Seahawks punter Tom Rouen, meanwhile, is married to former Olympic swimmer Amy Van Dyken. OK, so that's not exactly former Penthouse Pet Anna Benson threatening to sleep with the entire Mets team if her husband, Kris, ever cheated on her. This is Super Bowl week we're talking about. The writers will find a way to make it sound more steamy than a Starbucks latte.
10. Steroids. Oh, wait, this is the Super Bowl we're talking about, not the World Series. Never mind.
By JIM ARMSTRONG, AOL Exclusive
Sports Commentary
Not that you could tell from the hype, but they're going to play a football game Sunday in Detroit.
You know, football? Three hours of trash talking interrupted by the occasional block and tackle? Wide receivers landing in the end zone and grabbing their crotches more often than the halftime entertainers? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Except this particular game is the Super Bowl, no more a mere football game than Brad-vs.-Jen is a mere marital spat. At least that's the way the media types will paint it.
And then, about midway through the third quarter, they'll realize it's not only just a game, but an unentertaining one at that. What, you thought the evidence against O.J. was one-sided? Check out those year-by-year Super Bowl scores. As often as not, the Budweiser frogs are more compelling than anything the game has to offer.
Since game day has been, shall we say, known to be anticlimactic, the trick to the Super Bowl is to sit back and enjoy the buildup, no matter how silly it can get. And trust us, it's going to get silly. It's gotten to the point where you can predict some of the pregame story lines before they emerge.
Herein, henceforth and just for the heck of it, America Online presents the Top 10 things bound to happen during Super Bowl week ...
1. The bad boy watch. Happens every time. The night before the game, one of the players does something my-brother-Darryl-and-my-other-brother-Darryl stupid. The tradition began the night before the first Super Bowl, when Packers wideout Max McGee stumbled through the hotel lobby just before breakfast. A few hours later, he caught two touchdown passes, inspiring future generations of Super Bowl combatants to pass out in the guacamole. Unfortunately, not all have met with similar results. Take former Falcon Eugene Robinson, who was pinched for solicitation on Super Bowl eve, or ex-Raider Barrett Robbins, who went AWOL to Tijuana, Mexico. If something happens this week, Windsor, Ont. figures to be the desired destination of debauchery. Located minutes away from downtown Detroit, the city is best known for what the locals call the ballet. What kind of ballet? Let's put it this way. If the Steelers are the team of Destiny, that must mean the Seahawks are Cinammon's team.
2. The fine whine. Think America's sports writers are going to spend the week writing about the history and romance of the NFL championship game? Not a chance. Instead of braving the cold, most will hole up in hotel rooms in their boxer shorts and trash the NFL for not holding the Super Bowl under a cluster of palm trees or within walking distance of the transvestite shows on Bourbon Street.
3. Talking the talk. One of the players will claim that if the planets are aligned and his team catches a few breaks and the other guys have a bunch of untimely turnovers, his team might stand a chance. Whereupon every sports writer in the audience will ordain him the next Joe Namath, who guaranteed a win for the Jets in SB III.
4. Denying the talk. Another player will toss around more trash than Fred Sanford, openly questioning how that sorry bunch of misfits across the line of scrimmage could have advanced this far, and wondering aloud why they didn't save the gas money and stay home. When the reporters ask him about it the next day, he'll say his comments were taken out of context. And then he'll wink at his P.R. director, who moments earlier explained to him what ''taken out of context'' means.
5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. The Steelers, particularly quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, will spend most of the week talking about how they don't get any respect. The same Steelers who are 4-point favorites in Las Vegas to win the game.
6. Profiles in cash. No laptop lizard worth his weight in frequent-flyer miles would miss out on the opportunity to chronicle the differences between Seahawks owner Paul Allen and Steelers owner Dan Rooney. Allen co-founded the Internet, collects Jimi Hendrix memorabilia and is rich enough to own the entire league. Rooney's dad, Art, bought the Steelers in the post-Depression era after a big day at the horsetrack.
7. The weather factor. Since the game is being played in the Upper Midwest in the middle of winter, hundreds of writers will feverishly crunch numbers until arriving at both quarterbacks' records when the temperature is 32 degrees or colder. And then, after waking up from the free booze in the hospitality lounge, they'll realize the game is being played indoors. What to do? Crunch a few more numbers and write about the quarterbacks' record in domes.
8. The silliest story of the week. Every writer in town will refer to Seattle tailback Shaun Alexander as the best player you've never read about. Trouble is, we've been reading those stories all year.
9. The battle of the babes. Roethlisberger used to date LPGA hottie Natalie Gulbis. Seahawks punter Tom Rouen, meanwhile, is married to former Olympic swimmer Amy Van Dyken. OK, so that's not exactly former Penthouse Pet Anna Benson threatening to sleep with the entire Mets team if her husband, Kris, ever cheated on her. This is Super Bowl week we're talking about. The writers will find a way to make it sound more steamy than a Starbucks latte.
10. Steroids. Oh, wait, this is the Super Bowl we're talking about, not the World Series. Never mind.
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