THE MOST FUNNY THING EVER! Chuck Norris - the facts

[bhs4life]

Chuck Norris can touch MC H AMMER.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

[bhs4life]

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

[bhs4life]

19 More Facts About Chuck Norris

1. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
2. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
3. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
4. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
5. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
6. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
7. Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
8. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
9. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
10. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
11. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
12. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
13. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
14. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
15. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
16. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
17. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
19. Even Chuck Norris can’t believe nobody Chuck Norrised this guy a long time ago

[kbsooner21]

Oh shit, I am dying over here!

[bhs4life]

Oh shit, I am dying over here!

FUNNY SHIT

[JBC13]

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! That is funny stuff!

[bhs4life]

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! That is funny stuff!

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

[theasterisk]

that is hilarious.....
i'm stealing those for a 30th birthday roast for my buddy where i will insert his name in place of chuck norriss'....

[JBC13]

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

hahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahah I cant breathe! I love Chuck Norris!!!!!!!!!

[BigTicket]

hahahahhahahhaha

[bhs4life]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

[bhs4life]

Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

[bhs4life]

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

[ELJUGO]

Oh man, I'm rolling!!! That shit is hilarious

[bhs4life]

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably