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  • Joke of the Day

    A husband took his wife to play her first round of golf.....Nervous, the
    wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest
    house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
    there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
    to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
    said, "Come on in."

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
    over the place, and a broken antique lamp was lying on its side near the
    broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
    broke my window?"

    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
    genie, and I've been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that
    you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
    one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
    "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
    I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do
    you want?" The genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
    the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
    fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that lamp and haven't been with a woman in
    more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
    have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over
    for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good
    fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
    you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
    afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
    genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are
    you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

    "No kidding," he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe
    in genies?"

  • #2
    the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
    passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she
    said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith
    Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

    Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
    right? Is the captain a woman?"

    When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
    understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

    "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

    "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
    know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

    "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call
    it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

    The Bull

    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
    Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "! I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her
    to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word."

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.


    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,
    "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

    The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
    that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?

    The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
    She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

    Comment


    • #3
      Good one !!!

      Comment


      • #4
        Hhahaahha!
        It's always noon somewhere!

        My Fish and Aquariums

        Griffey's Posted Record

        Comment


        • #5
          These are great!

          Comment


          • #6
            THE AMISH ELEVATOR
            >
            >
            > An Amish boy and his father were in a m a l l . They were amazed by
            >
            > almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
            >
            > walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
            >
            > The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having
            >
            > seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like
            >
            > this in my life, I don't know what it is."
            >
            > While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat
            >
            > old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
            >
            > button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
            >
            > small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
            >
            > circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
            >
            > to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began
            >
            > to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and
            >
            > a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
            >
            > The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."
            >

            Comment


            • #7
              LOL love the bull one...and why does the gorgeous girl have to be blonde rusty??

              Comment


              • #8
                How are you ASB?? Great seeing you .. literally ...I did not write it I just copy and pasted .... hahahahaha

                Hope you are having a great day ...

                Comment


                • #9
                  oh just wonderful day..got my ass kicked this morning and couldn't find a tiara but other then that i'm fabulous

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Sorry to hear that .. I did not play anything today ... Had a rotten day off the field though ... Better days are coming for us ... Hang in there kiddo ...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      i'm sorry about your rotten day

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        >> > A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
                        >> > VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
                        >> >
                        >> > She asks him why he is staring.
                        >> > He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to Offend
                        >> > you"
                        >> >
                        >> > She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
                        >> > am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
                        >> > hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
                        >> > say or ask that I would find offensive."
                        >> >
                        >> > "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
                        >> >
                        >> > She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
                        >> > to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
                        >> >
                        >> > The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
                        >> >
                        >> > "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." ! ! The nun fulfills
                        >> > his
                        >> > fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
                        >> >
                        >> > But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
                        >> >
                        >> > "My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"
                        >> >
                        >> > "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
                        >> > I'm Jewish."
                        >> >
                        >> > The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
                        >> > party."
                        >> >
                        >> > TRICK OR TREAT!!!!!!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          not bad lol
                          Great Day To Win

                          MLB 2008 (19-23-1) +3.0 units

                          NBA 08-09 (10-7) + 1.59 units

                          GOY (4-1)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            >
                            > > A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some
                            > > bacon
                            > > and eggs? A
                            > > slice of
                            > > toast and maybe Some grapefruit and coffee?" she
                            > > asks.
                            > >
                            > > He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not
                            > > hungry
                            > > right now. It's
                            > > this
                            > > Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my
                            > > appetite."
                            > >
                            > > At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.
                            > > "A bowl of soup,
                            > > homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
                            > >
                            > > He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really
                            > > trashes
                            > > my desire for
                            > > food."
                            > >
                            > > Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to
                            > > eat. "Would you
                            > > like a
                            > > juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie?
                            > > Or
                            > > maybe a
                            > > rotisserie
                            > > chicken or tasty stir fry?"
                            > >
                            > > He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
                            > >
                            > > "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up?
                            > > I'm
                            > > starving."

                            Comment

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