Jokes

[BettorsChat]

A Floral Apology
A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive."



Mandatory Vacation
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

[BettorsChat]

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

[TwoTonTony]

no disprespect....but those jokes suck!!!

[RJeremy]

no disprespect....but those jokes suck!!!

i was sitting here thinking the same thing.

i don't think i even got the 1st one... he crashed her hard drive? what the hell is funny about that? am i missing something here?

[Spark]

Try this one ..............................




MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO
THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY,

"ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT

HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,

" I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE

IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.

MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD.
IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW,

I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS,

THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID,

"FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.

IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE

RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD,

I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,

IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED --- AND UP THEY WENT.

THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.

BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.

HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN,

BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS.
HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,

BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

[BettorsChat]

The Vacuum Salesman...
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."



Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"


"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."


"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"


"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."


"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

[bobw45]

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.
The Golf Pro stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked.

"You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these bastards want to include it on the scorecard."