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* CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.
* FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
* ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
* JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
* COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
* WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
* OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.
* SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.
* TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
* CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used for Havana Omelets.
* ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
* WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
* HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.
* UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendeeump at the
office.
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.
* FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
* ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
* JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
* COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
* WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
* OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.
* SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.
* TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
* CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used for Havana Omelets.
* ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
* WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
* HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.
* UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendeeump at the
office.
It's always noon somewhere! 
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