Joke Thread (keep it going):

[Tigger]

Chuck E. Cheese goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi is WayneChung home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in."

They sit down and Chuck says, "You know Glenda, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Glenda thinks about this for a second and says to herself, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one.

Chuck promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chuck says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together." Glenda thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chuck a nice long look.

Chuck thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for WayneChung and leaves. A while later WayneChung arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chuck came over."

Chung promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[moondog22]

Chuck E. Cheese goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi is WayneChung home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in."

They sit down and Chuck says, "You know Glenda, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Glenda thinks about this for a second and says to herself, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one.

Chuck promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chuck says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together." Glenda thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chuck a nice long look.

Chuck thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for WayneChung and leaves. A while later WayneChung arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chuck came over."

Chung promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[Spark]

hahahahahahaha

[Tigger]

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, 'My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.'

Another guy says, 'What's that?' The first guy says, 'That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.'

Another one says, 'My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, 'What's that?'

He says, 'That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.'

A lady says, 'That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.'

Larry says, 'A wife? What's a wife?'

She says, 'That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.'

[Tigger]

IMO the best ones are:

1, 2, 4, 13

~~~ Tigger

[wayne1218]

> ACTUAL CUSTOMER SERVICE PHONE CONVERSATION:
>
> This has got to be one of the funniest in a long time.
> This guy should have been promoted, not fired.
> This is a [supposedly] true story from the WordPerfect help line
> which was transcribed from a recording monitoring in the customer
> care department. Needless to say, the "Help Desk" employee was
> fired. However, he is currently suing his employer for "Termination
> Without Cause." Again, this is the actual dialogue of the former
> Customer Service Department employee.
> (Now I know why they record these conversations.)
> Here's the conversation:
> "This is Richard in customer assistance. May I help you?"
>
> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>
> "What sort of trouble?"
>
> "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
>
> "Went away?"
>
> "They disappeared."
>
> "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>
> "Nothing."
>
> "Nothing?"
>
> "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
>
> "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
>
> "How do I tell?"
>
> "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
>
> "What's a sea-prompt?"
>
> "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>
> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
>
> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
>
> "What's a monitor?"
>
> "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
> Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
>
> "I don't know."
>
> "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
> power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
>
> "Yes, I think so."
>
> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
> into the wall."
>
> "Yes, it is."
>
> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
> were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
>
> "No."
>
> "Well , there are. I need you to look back there again and find
> the other cable."
>
> "Okay, here it is."
>
> "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
> back of your computer."
>
> "I can't reach."
>
> "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
>
> "No."
>
> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
>
> "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
> dark."
>
> "Dark?"
>
> "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
> the window."
>
> "Well, turn on the office light then."
>
> "I can't."
>
> "No? Why not?"
>
> "Because there's a power failure."
>
> "A power... a power failure? Aha... Okay, we've got it licked now.
>
> Do you still have the boxes & manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
>
> "Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."
>
> "Good. Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
> when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
>
> "Really? Is it that bad?"
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>
> "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
>
> "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

[moondog22]

Thats rich Wayne

[wayne1218]

Missing Bill Clinton ?????

It doesn't matter what party you are, this is Funny.

On Canadian TV there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill: "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President:
Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton:
The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one.
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to commit Hanky Panky between two Bushes. "

[Tigger]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. So Screw you! Cya!"

[moondog22]

One in the bush is better than two in the hand

[Tigger]

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!

[moondog22]

Another good one

[Tigger]

One day Moondog was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor".

His friend Rwall said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Moondog figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Moondog began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: "Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!"

[moondog22]

That story is true,no joke

[Tigger]

Which part Moondog? The part about stop jerking off or your tennis elbow won't go away? LOL

~~~ Tigger