New Jokes

[rwall]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

[rwall]

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

[rwall]

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

[rwall]

Top 16 Things NOT To Say To A Cop
16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

15. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

14. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's lightstand.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?

10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

9. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

8. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

7. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

6. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

4. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

3. Bad cop! No donut!

2. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

[Spark]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you
were watching."




MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Lsufan]

Poker Night

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m., and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!