Jokes for those with Achy Joints

[rwall]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

[rwall]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[rwall]

Old Age Poem

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

[rwall]

The Golden Years Have Come At Last,

I Cannot See, I Cannot Pee

I Cannot Chew, I Cannot Screw

My Memory Shrinks, My Hearing Stinks,

No Sense Of Smell, I Look Like Hell,

My Body's Drooping, Got Troble Pooping.

The Golden Years Have Come At Last,

The Golden Years Can Kiss My Ass

[rwall]

There was an old man Spark who was married to a very young woman.

Spark was at the doctors for a checkup and the doctor said, "Spark today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample".

Spark looks at his young wife and says, " What did he say"?

His wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

[Spark]

HAHAHAHAHA That was great rwall ... hey, I resemble that remark ... hahahahaha

Thanks buddy ...

[rwall]

You Know you're getting old when...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're
not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your
money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to
you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of
your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make
sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on
your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on
your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't
care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
28. You're taking Gloucosamine supplements and talking about it in a Forum over, and over, and over,

[The Lovedoc]

There was an old man Spark who was married to a very young woman.

Spark was at the doctors for a checkup and the doctor said, "Spark today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample".

Spark looks at his young wife and says, " What did he say"?

His wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

LOL..thats great!! Thank god he didn't come to my office.. Well, with his hot young wife????????

[ChuckLazar]

rwall


This is great, keep'em coming!!

[rwall]

Sex Tips For Those with Achy Joints

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting . turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Take your gloucosamine.

[CoverBoy]

You know you're old when .....

your wife asks you to pass the salt and pepper and you have to make 2 trips .

On my birthday Lincoln had the day off from school.

[rwall]

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband Chuck is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Savage1 is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Spark is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

[The Lovedoc]

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband Chuck is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Savage1 is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Spark is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

LOL

[Blitzz97]

rwall

You got me bustin a gut over here.....lol. Keep 'em coming!!

[rwall]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function's. One seventy year old man Chuck says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man Savage says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old Spark says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!" he replied.