big mouth

[tdickson]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
> > officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour,
> > sir."
> > The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise
> > control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
> >
> > Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly
> > from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,
> > you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
> >
> > As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
> > over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your
> > mouth shut for once?"
> >
> > The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be
> > thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
> >
> > As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
> > illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
> > wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
> > can't you keep your mouth shut."
> >
> > The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
> > not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
> > $75 fine."
> >
> > The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had
> > it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that
> > I could get my license out of my back pocket."
> >
> > The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that
> > you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear
> > your seat belt when you're driving."
> >
> > And as the police officer is writing out the third
> > ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
> > DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
> >
> > The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
> > your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
> > (the killer line is next )
> >
> > "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been
> > drinking."
> >
>

[Homer]

That's Great

[tdickson]

ever wonder

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
>the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
>can buy cigarettes at the front.
>
>
>
>
> Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
>fries, and a diet coke.
>
>
>
>
> Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the

>pens to the counters.
>
>
>
>
> Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
>the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
>
>
>
>
> Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in

>packages of eight.
>
>
>
>
> Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
>process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
>'bloodsucking creatures'.
>
>
>
>
> Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
>lettering.
>
>
>
>
> EVER WONDER ...
>
>
>
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
>
>
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>
>
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
>
>
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
>
>
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>
>
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid

>made with real lemons?
>
>
>
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
>
>
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>
>
>
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
>
>
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
>
>
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
>
>
>
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
>don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
>
>
>
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>
>
>
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
>
>
>
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>
>
>
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>
>