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**savage1** · 11-14-2010, 11:20 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"

A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over to Ma, grabbed her chest and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."

A short while later, Pa grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."

Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbor."
A middle age gentleman got an urge one day to do something that he always wanted to do, but never had the courage. He bought himself a brand new Corvette from a dealership. While driving his brand new Corvette on the interstate, a highway patrolman pulled in behind the middle age man in an attempt to pull him over.

He thought to himself "I can outrun this cop" and floored the accelerator, quickly picking up speed and starting to pull away from the cop. All of a sudden the middle age man realized that he was no longer a kid, and pulled the car over and waited for the highway patrolman.

The highway patrolman walked up to the brand new car smiling. He said "It is about the end of my shift, and I don't want anymore paperwork than what I already have. If you can give me an excuse that I have not already heard today on why you were driving so fast, I will let you go without a ticket".

The middle age man thought for a moment and then said "Well officer, about 10 years ago my wife ran off with a highway patrol and I just thought that you were trying to bring her back."

**savage1** · 11-24-2010, 05:50 PM

Never know what an old guy will say. I took my dad to the **** the other day to buy some new shoes [he's 66]. We decided to get a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in different colors-green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at her. the teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring everytime. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his response: I knew he would have a good one! In classic style without batting an eyelid: "Got stoned once and made it with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

A blond was driving on a freeway completely naked and knitting when a cop comes along and yell at her: "Pullover" The blond lowers her window and says:"No, officer, it is a sweater." Forward to friend Share jokeFacebookTwitterMySpaceDelicousStumbleDigg More...

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