For you dog lovers

[jcindaville]

Subject: Dog Story


I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if i had a dog(?)... (here's your sign)... On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot.


I laughed my ass off after reading this

[TwoTonTony]

When you tried to lick your own butt was it because it was loaded with peanut butter???

[jcindaville]

When you tried to lick your own butt was it because it was loaded with peanut butter???

and jelly

[jcindaville]

anther joke

GUTS OR BALLS
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next"!!

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
results in death.

[jcindaville]

another spelled correctly this time joke

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
>>>> early retirement bonus.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> They promised any officer who volunteered for
>>>> retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
>>>> between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what
>>>> those two points would be.
>>>>
>>>> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
>>>> of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
>>>> walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
>>>>
>>>> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
>>>> measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
>>>> out with $96,000.
>>>>
>>>> The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
>>>> when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip
>>>> of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man
>>>> that he
>>>> might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the
>>>> previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they
>>>> decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a
>>>> medical officer.
>>>>
>>>> The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
>>>> which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip
>>>> of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly
>>>> exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied,
>>>> "Vietnam.