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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
> > > her car has been broken into
> > > She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher:
> > > "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
> > > and even the accelerator!" she cried.
> > > The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
> > > A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
> > > "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
> > >
>
>__________________________________________________ ____________________________
> > > ___
> > >
> > > FAMILY
> > >
> > > Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
> > > One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in
and
> > > pauses.
> > > She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the
> bath?"
> > > The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see."
> > > She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs
or
> > > down?"
> > > The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
> > > listening to her sisters.
> > > She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
> > > forgetful, knock on wood."
> > > She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
> > > see who's at the door."
> > > _______________________________________
> > > I CAN HEAR JUST FINE
> > >
> > > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
> > > fine March day.
> > > One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
> > > "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
> > > And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
> > >
> > > _______________________________________
> > >
> > > SUPERSEX
> > >
> > > A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing
> > > home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
> and say
> > > "Supersex."
> > > She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
gown
> > > at him, she said, "Supersex."
> > > He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
> > > take the soup."
> > >
> > > _______________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > ROMANCE
> > >
> > > An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
> > > falling asleep
> > > but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
> > >
> > > She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
> > > Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to
> > > get back to sleep.
> > > A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
> > > Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek
> > > and settled down to sleep.
> > > Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
> > > Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
> > > "Where are you going?" she asked.
> > > "To get my teeth!"
> > > _______________________________________
> > >
> > > DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
> > >
> > > 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
> > > home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
> "Anyone
> >who can
> > > guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
> > > An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
> > > Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
> > > _______________________________________
> > > OLD FRIENDS
> > >
> > > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
> > > years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
> Lately,
> >their
> > > activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play
> > > cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
> other
> >and
> > > said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for
a
> long
> > > time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
> thought,
> >but I
> > > can't
> > > remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
> > > Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
> > > stared and glared at her Finally she said, "How soon do you need
to
> >know?"
> > > _______________________________________
> > > SENIOR DRIVING
> > > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
> > > rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
> > > "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
> wrong
> >way on
> > > Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
> > > "Wow!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
> > > them!"
> > >
> > > ______________________________________
> > > DRIVING
> > > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
> > > barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,
they
> came
> >to an
> > > intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
> > > through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I
> must be
> >losing
> > > it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After
a
> few
> >more
> > > minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
> again.
> > > Again,
> > > they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
> almost
> >sure
> > > that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was
> >losing
> > > it.
> > >
> > > She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
> the
> >light
> > > was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
> woman
> >and
> > > said, Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
> lights
> >in
> > > a row? "You could have killed us both!"
> > > Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my gosh! Am I driving?"
>
> > > her car has been broken into
> > > She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher:
> > > "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
> > > and even the accelerator!" she cried.
> > > The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
> > > A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
> > > "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
> > >
>
>__________________________________________________ ____________________________
> > > ___
> > >
> > > FAMILY
> > >
> > > Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
> > > One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in
and
> > > pauses.
> > > She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the
> bath?"
> > > The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see."
> > > She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs
or
> > > down?"
> > > The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
> > > listening to her sisters.
> > > She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
> > > forgetful, knock on wood."
> > > She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
> > > see who's at the door."
> > > _______________________________________
> > > I CAN HEAR JUST FINE
> > >
> > > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
> > > fine March day.
> > > One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
> > > "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
> > > And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
> > >
> > > _______________________________________
> > >
> > > SUPERSEX
> > >
> > > A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing
> > > home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
> and say
> > > "Supersex."
> > > She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
gown
> > > at him, she said, "Supersex."
> > > He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
> > > take the soup."
> > >
> > > _______________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > ROMANCE
> > >
> > > An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
> > > falling asleep
> > > but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
> > >
> > > She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
> > > Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to
> > > get back to sleep.
> > > A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
> > > Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek
> > > and settled down to sleep.
> > > Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
> > > Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
> > > "Where are you going?" she asked.
> > > "To get my teeth!"
> > > _______________________________________
> > >
> > > DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
> > >
> > > 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
> > > home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
> "Anyone
> >who can
> > > guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
> > > An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
> > > Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
> > > _______________________________________
> > > OLD FRIENDS
> > >
> > > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
> > > years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
> Lately,
> >their
> > > activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play
> > > cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
> other
> >and
> > > said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for
a
> long
> > > time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
> thought,
> >but I
> > > can't
> > > remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
> > > Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
> > > stared and glared at her Finally she said, "How soon do you need
to
> >know?"
> > > _______________________________________
> > > SENIOR DRIVING
> > > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
> > > rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
> > > "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
> wrong
> >way on
> > > Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
> > > "Wow!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
> > > them!"
> > >
> > > ______________________________________
> > > DRIVING
> > > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
> > > barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,
they
> came
> >to an
> > > intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
> > > through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I
> must be
> >losing
> > > it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After
a
> few
> >more
> > > minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
> again.
> > > Again,
> > > they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
> almost
> >sure
> > > that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was
> >losing
> > > it.
> > >
> > > She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
> the
> >light
> > > was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
> woman
> >and
> > > said, Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
> lights
> >in
> > > a row? "You could have killed us both!"
> > > Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my gosh! Am I driving?"
>
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