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If you're not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.
Here are some of his gems:
>1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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>2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
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>3- Half the people you know are below average.
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>4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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>5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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>6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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>7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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>8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
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>9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
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>10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
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>cheese.
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>11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
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>12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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>13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
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>14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
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>something.
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>15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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>16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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>17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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>18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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>19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
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>20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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>21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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>22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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>23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
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>horn louder."
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>24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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>25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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>26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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>27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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>28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
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>bread.
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>29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
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>research.
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>30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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>31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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>32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
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>on it.
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>33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
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>34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
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>headlights work?
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Here are some of his gems:
>1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
>
>2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
>
>3- Half the people you know are below average.
>
>4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>
>5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>
>6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
>
>7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>
>8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
>
>9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
>
>10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
>
>cheese.
>
>11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
>
>12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>
>13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
>
>14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
>
>something.
>
>15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>
>16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>
>17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
>
>18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
>
>19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
>
>20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
>
>21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>
>22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>
>23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
>
>horn louder."
>
>24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>
>25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
>
>26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
>
>27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>
>28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
>
>bread.
>
>29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
>
>research.
>
>30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
>
>31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
>
>32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
>
>on it.
>
>33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
>
>34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
>
>headlights work?
>
