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NFL Week 10 ...Shooting From The Hip
There’s nothing less pleasurable than being Force Fed a great big slice of Humble Pie for a Monday Night Midnight Snack after a team does the complete opposite of what is expected … and especially after my Gigantic Schpiel in last week’s “Hip” about a “ Tremendous coaching mismatch that this game will afford us with The Patriots“ … For most of the 2nd half ABC panned in on the dismayed and thoroughly beaten Bill Bellichek as his team was getting dragged up and down the field on a leash … Did ABC overdo the sideline shots ? … Yes, but in their defense it was a long time coming for Mr. Bellichek … Still … they could have shown some variety by coming into my living room and every so often zooming in on my face … And most disturbing of all was the shot of that kid on the New England sidelines wearing the headset … Tell me he wasn’t calling the plays … PLEASE TELL ME HE WAS NOT CALLING THE F’ING PLAYS … If I had known that some pimply faced 12 year old would be leading the Pats I would have never gotten involved with that ugly bitch of a game to begin with … So ….. having lost my earnings from the previous day ( X Number of Dimes from my Totals Plays and The "Who does your Bookie Need " Fades ) I was indeed humbled , but surprisingly enough that feeling had completely disappeared when I woke up to a new day Tuesday Morning with a Sunny , Breathtaking View of Long Island Sound , a delicious breakfast, and the knowledge that my “ business week “ ends on a Sunday night so I will in fact be paid, and thereafter I will patiently chop away at The Patriot Debacle later on in the week … So Life is Good … The show must go on for the 2 or 3 of you who read this thing every week and as you can tell by now “Hip” is mainly about breaking balls with an occasional “insight” thrown in here and there … there is no room for self pity – which I will only tolerate for around 10 minutes anyway. Now …. Back to Busting Onions.
I’m considering adding Chris Simms to my NFL Fruitcake Quarterback Club, but it’s too premature and I’ll hold off for now and place him under strict surveillance … From what I see ( and that could very well change the minute he places one of his hands on one of his hips ) he’s not quite as effeminite as David ( “I know exactly where the Cameras are at Every Single Moment “ ) Carr and Joey ( “ I’d Rather Play Showtunes on my Piano than get My Skinny Ass Kicked In Every Sunday “ ) Harrington.
Mike ( “Please Don’t Read My Lips or You Just Might See What I’m Saying and Then You’ll Know for Certain that I’m a Freaking IDIOT Altogether “ ) Holmgren is a Fruitcake . At his Induction Gala last Wednesday Night in New York City all hell broke loose when, as he was giving his acceptance speech with a laminated crypt sheet held over his mealy mouth with one hand and the other was brandishing a Turkey Leg the size of Wyoming, the cast of “Will and Grace “ jumped him and bitch slapped him repeatedly with Cher Memorabilia and Breadsticks. Know what ? … he really is a mumbling, stammering, passionless Dick who cashed in by Piggy Backing on Brett Favre’s Shoulders .. and he probably got all tingly in doing so.
I’m adding on Steve Mariucci as well … he’s more a Cheerleader than Coach , complete with Pom – Poms and Pleated Skirt . He insists that his players call him “Mooch “ … MOOCH … COACH MOOCH … No wonder why The Lions continue to be just awful … Imagine if The Packers called Coach Lombardi “ Vinny L “ or The Cowboys called Coach Landry “ Tommy “ or The Dolphins refer to Coach Shula as “ Donnie Shools “ ? They’d still be doing Windsprints and 3 Man Rolls to this very day … BTW … Mooch and Joey share a shower specially installed for the two of them during home games. Lingering on who does what to whom will only put me off the wonderful Friday Dinner that I always enjoy.
I ran into Joe Cortez ( David Aker’s Replacement on the Philadelphia Eagles and yet another Jabroni who once played for WWF Wrestling Promoter Vince Mc Mahon in the XFL ) last week and this is how it went:
CB: “ How you doin’ , Joe ? “
Joe: “ Ahhhh I can’t kick “.
CB: (under my breath ): “ Apparently not “
Joe: “Huhhhhh ?????? WHAT DID YOU SAY ??? !!!!! “
CB: “Ummmmmm ..... Ummmmmm ...... A parent should not ..... ummmmm .... discourage .... a child from playing sports .... Yeah ... that's what I was trying to say .... (Whew ) ..... Anyways ... I gotta go ... Adios Clubfoot “
As we forge on to Week 10 in The NFL … Do The Texans have a single passing first down this season ?
I like the way the Vikings played last Sunday , now that they finally have a QB with at least a passing relationship with winning experience . The sad part is that they stumbled upon him quite by accident … otherwise he’d still be on the sidelines playing second fiddle to that lard ass future Edmonton Eskimo back - up Nincumpoop .
With his team in town to play The Giants, Mike Tice never showed up for me to take him shopping even though he visited his Native Long Island during the week . So I’ve arranged for a Doctor to surgically remove his one and only filthy tee shirt at The Mayo Clinic . All Mike has to do is waddle on over to Rochester . Hey Mike By The Way ... it’s in Rochester , Minnesota .. not New York. His wide outs are now rubbing their hands on his shirt to obtain and edge similar to the Lester Hayes Stickum Effect.
The Smashed Windshield Game of the Day … Without question, Sunday’s horror show has got to be Arizona vs. Detroit ( and make no mistake there are a number of other games that Placed and Showed ) … every once in a while I explain just what The Smashed Windshield is so for those of you who have never heard of the term here goes … You’re driving to Ford Field with a friend to see the game on Sunday, and on the way you decide to stick your faces in some bar for a blast or two … or Twenty … you’ve accidentally left your 2 tickets on the dashboard. When you come out of the bar you notice that your windshield has been kicked in … and there are now FOUR tickets on the dash.
I was never a fan of the 2 point conversion in the NFL ( their Stone Age Overtime Policy sucks as well ) and I would imagine neither are Raider Backers as last Sunday ‘s ATS Push / Loss was a bitter pill to swallow. If Oakland fails to convert the 2 in the waning moments , they cover …. It’s a rare event when a Jack Del Rio team suits up , then goes through the motions in a NO –TRY but that’s just what happened last Sunday in allowing Houston to keep it close … I’m curious as to whether or not we’ll get a repeat performance Sunday vs. The Ravens … they let Mary Poppins and The Texans score 14 points and that is down right atrocious … and will Indy mail it in also vs. Tinkerbell ? … I haven’t seen The Bears as a Double Dig Fave since their Glory days in the 80’s but they are a shade under Two Touch Chalk vs. San Fran … given that their offense is so plodding , can they support that number ? …. Hunch is Minnesota will keep it close vs.The Giants as history reveals that New York is 0-10 ATS as a Home Fave after being a Road Fave … despite what most are thinking, this will be a difficult game for The Giants.
See You Sunday Morning With Totals Plays and Barking Dogs.
Neil
There’s nothing less pleasurable than being Force Fed a great big slice of Humble Pie for a Monday Night Midnight Snack after a team does the complete opposite of what is expected … and especially after my Gigantic Schpiel in last week’s “Hip” about a “ Tremendous coaching mismatch that this game will afford us with The Patriots“ … For most of the 2nd half ABC panned in on the dismayed and thoroughly beaten Bill Bellichek as his team was getting dragged up and down the field on a leash … Did ABC overdo the sideline shots ? … Yes, but in their defense it was a long time coming for Mr. Bellichek … Still … they could have shown some variety by coming into my living room and every so often zooming in on my face … And most disturbing of all was the shot of that kid on the New England sidelines wearing the headset … Tell me he wasn’t calling the plays … PLEASE TELL ME HE WAS NOT CALLING THE F’ING PLAYS … If I had known that some pimply faced 12 year old would be leading the Pats I would have never gotten involved with that ugly bitch of a game to begin with … So ….. having lost my earnings from the previous day ( X Number of Dimes from my Totals Plays and The "Who does your Bookie Need " Fades ) I was indeed humbled , but surprisingly enough that feeling had completely disappeared when I woke up to a new day Tuesday Morning with a Sunny , Breathtaking View of Long Island Sound , a delicious breakfast, and the knowledge that my “ business week “ ends on a Sunday night so I will in fact be paid, and thereafter I will patiently chop away at The Patriot Debacle later on in the week … So Life is Good … The show must go on for the 2 or 3 of you who read this thing every week and as you can tell by now “Hip” is mainly about breaking balls with an occasional “insight” thrown in here and there … there is no room for self pity – which I will only tolerate for around 10 minutes anyway. Now …. Back to Busting Onions.
I’m considering adding Chris Simms to my NFL Fruitcake Quarterback Club, but it’s too premature and I’ll hold off for now and place him under strict surveillance … From what I see ( and that could very well change the minute he places one of his hands on one of his hips ) he’s not quite as effeminite as David ( “I know exactly where the Cameras are at Every Single Moment “ ) Carr and Joey ( “ I’d Rather Play Showtunes on my Piano than get My Skinny Ass Kicked In Every Sunday “ ) Harrington.
Mike ( “Please Don’t Read My Lips or You Just Might See What I’m Saying and Then You’ll Know for Certain that I’m a Freaking IDIOT Altogether “ ) Holmgren is a Fruitcake . At his Induction Gala last Wednesday Night in New York City all hell broke loose when, as he was giving his acceptance speech with a laminated crypt sheet held over his mealy mouth with one hand and the other was brandishing a Turkey Leg the size of Wyoming, the cast of “Will and Grace “ jumped him and bitch slapped him repeatedly with Cher Memorabilia and Breadsticks. Know what ? … he really is a mumbling, stammering, passionless Dick who cashed in by Piggy Backing on Brett Favre’s Shoulders .. and he probably got all tingly in doing so.
I’m adding on Steve Mariucci as well … he’s more a Cheerleader than Coach , complete with Pom – Poms and Pleated Skirt . He insists that his players call him “Mooch “ … MOOCH … COACH MOOCH … No wonder why The Lions continue to be just awful … Imagine if The Packers called Coach Lombardi “ Vinny L “ or The Cowboys called Coach Landry “ Tommy “ or The Dolphins refer to Coach Shula as “ Donnie Shools “ ? They’d still be doing Windsprints and 3 Man Rolls to this very day … BTW … Mooch and Joey share a shower specially installed for the two of them during home games. Lingering on who does what to whom will only put me off the wonderful Friday Dinner that I always enjoy.
I ran into Joe Cortez ( David Aker’s Replacement on the Philadelphia Eagles and yet another Jabroni who once played for WWF Wrestling Promoter Vince Mc Mahon in the XFL ) last week and this is how it went:
CB: “ How you doin’ , Joe ? “
Joe: “ Ahhhh I can’t kick “.
CB: (under my breath ): “ Apparently not “
Joe: “Huhhhhh ?????? WHAT DID YOU SAY ??? !!!!! “
CB: “Ummmmmm ..... Ummmmmm ...... A parent should not ..... ummmmm .... discourage .... a child from playing sports .... Yeah ... that's what I was trying to say .... (Whew ) ..... Anyways ... I gotta go ... Adios Clubfoot “
As we forge on to Week 10 in The NFL … Do The Texans have a single passing first down this season ?
I like the way the Vikings played last Sunday , now that they finally have a QB with at least a passing relationship with winning experience . The sad part is that they stumbled upon him quite by accident … otherwise he’d still be on the sidelines playing second fiddle to that lard ass future Edmonton Eskimo back - up Nincumpoop .
With his team in town to play The Giants, Mike Tice never showed up for me to take him shopping even though he visited his Native Long Island during the week . So I’ve arranged for a Doctor to surgically remove his one and only filthy tee shirt at The Mayo Clinic . All Mike has to do is waddle on over to Rochester . Hey Mike By The Way ... it’s in Rochester , Minnesota .. not New York. His wide outs are now rubbing their hands on his shirt to obtain and edge similar to the Lester Hayes Stickum Effect.
The Smashed Windshield Game of the Day … Without question, Sunday’s horror show has got to be Arizona vs. Detroit ( and make no mistake there are a number of other games that Placed and Showed ) … every once in a while I explain just what The Smashed Windshield is so for those of you who have never heard of the term here goes … You’re driving to Ford Field with a friend to see the game on Sunday, and on the way you decide to stick your faces in some bar for a blast or two … or Twenty … you’ve accidentally left your 2 tickets on the dashboard. When you come out of the bar you notice that your windshield has been kicked in … and there are now FOUR tickets on the dash.
I was never a fan of the 2 point conversion in the NFL ( their Stone Age Overtime Policy sucks as well ) and I would imagine neither are Raider Backers as last Sunday ‘s ATS Push / Loss was a bitter pill to swallow. If Oakland fails to convert the 2 in the waning moments , they cover …. It’s a rare event when a Jack Del Rio team suits up , then goes through the motions in a NO –TRY but that’s just what happened last Sunday in allowing Houston to keep it close … I’m curious as to whether or not we’ll get a repeat performance Sunday vs. The Ravens … they let Mary Poppins and The Texans score 14 points and that is down right atrocious … and will Indy mail it in also vs. Tinkerbell ? … I haven’t seen The Bears as a Double Dig Fave since their Glory days in the 80’s but they are a shade under Two Touch Chalk vs. San Fran … given that their offense is so plodding , can they support that number ? …. Hunch is Minnesota will keep it close vs.The Giants as history reveals that New York is 0-10 ATS as a Home Fave after being a Road Fave … despite what most are thinking, this will be a difficult game for The Giants.
See You Sunday Morning With Totals Plays and Barking Dogs.
Neil
It's always noon somewhere! 
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