Tuesdays Jokes

[mbates]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the bottle of champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he said.
"You mean Polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed".
"As a child, I also had kneasles." he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox."

[mbates]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

Mrs. Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

[wayne1218]

6.5


AND


7

[mbates]

Sports Related

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking
around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the
ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out
of the sky.

"You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more,
the voice speaks.

"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He
picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even
start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.

"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How
do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."

[wayne1218]

That one made me laugh.....9.5 Great Joke!

[mbates]

A Poem For The Nut

Bill woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's
side of the bed. His wife, Kathy, had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil
things by getting up, Bill called his little boy into the room and asked
him to "bring this note to your beautiful Mommy." The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Kathy, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to "bring this to
your silly Daddy. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Bill read the note and quickly scribbled a reply, Then, he asked his son to
take it back to "the lady in the kitchen". The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Kathy answered the note and then asked her son to "take this to
the poor dude upstairs". The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[knowlez]

thats fucking awesome if my old lady gave me head i probally drop fucking dead....:D

[PhilJr]

You should try head from mbates wife. Now that's awesome!! Any more jokes from the chicken?

[mbates]

Bump for The Nut - Philly 1-0

[Baseball_Nut]

6.5/10
6/10
7.2/10
6.5/10


judges are rough today

[wayne1218]

Saddam shot and killed his wife today ........

















He lifted up her skirt and saw Bush. :tongue:




Joke 2

Marines bombed Baghdad today with Viagra bombs trying to find Saddam.......Wouldn't you know it the "PRICK" stood right up! :tongue:



All right i'm done now!