Joke Of The Day

[mbates]

Who is Nookie Green?
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.

That is your sin?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...

Those are your sins?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.

This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

Just a woman I know, Father.

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[S49erman]

Great one

[Baseball_Nut]

7/10

[mbates]

Nut - Sports Related

Between 6:30 and 6:45
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

[Baseball_Nut]

i like it i like it


7.8/10

[mbates]

You're really making me work hard to get a 9!!!

[mbates]

Nut - last one for the night

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[Baseball_Nut]

i like it

7.5/10

[wayne1218]

A man walks into a mental hospital naked wearing nothing but saran wrap and says "I NEED HELP" ...........The therapist looks at him and says yes i know i can already see your "NUTS"

[Baseball_Nut]

Nuts:D

[mbates]

Nut - Phil Jr. got the job!!!

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.


The day came, and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.


The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."


"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.


And now you sir? He asked the second man.


"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know even know it happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."


"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.


"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.


Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.


"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."


"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd shit in my pants!"


He got the job!

[Baseball_Nut]

8.2/10