Morning Humor

[PhilJr]

5 Levels of a Hangover

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak& fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a
staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House excursion. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you
gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored
schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you
a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five shits you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in
an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so
your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out
in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death
sounds pretty good about right now...

[heleanth]

Been there. Done that.

LMAO!:D

[MemphisMafia]

Phil Jr :

Your synopsis of the symptoms is adequate no doubt , but coming from a old pro in this area you failed to use the contemporary divisions alotted to such noteables as #1 Rookies / #2 Journeymen / #3 All-Stars .

Albeit as some come thru the ranks trying to attain the lofty status as a bust of themselves in the Hall of Shame , the plain truth of the matter is most never make it due to many of the reasons you stated above. The trick to mastering this art is to develope a threshold for pain so immense that a ordinary needle cannot be driven in your asshole with a twenty pound slap-axe , thereby allowing one to retain all thats within till the day is done .

Then after a four month stay at the Betty Ford clinic and well wishes from all that love you one learns to be a true ninja of the cocktail and can pop a cork in the darkest of areas and go down in history as a true :

" Closet Drunk "

After which and once you reach this plateau you have dropped a two foot total of your large intestine had your asshole assigned to a different postal code you realize that all is lost and the only thing that will save you is a body-swap and the depths of hell set in once your arrested in a graveyard drunk with shovel in hand and a flashlight in your eyes and the words from darkness ask :

" Just what the hell are you doing ? "

Then and only then can you join me perched atop my headstone

P H I L J R


Getting back to the real world that was very funny and thanks for making my coffee taste better , I owe you one !

G.L.

***MMM***

:cool: :cool: :cool:

[PhilJr]

Sounds like I'm a few martinis behind I've always had 2 rules to drinking:
1. Always drink in groups of 1 or more
2. You are not supposed to eat on an empty stomache

[bigjimt]

Sh!t... i thought it said "Morning Hummer". I was expecting a KNOWLEZ-like story.

Oh well.