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IT WAS OVER, THEN
ALL HAIL BROKE LOOSE
December 10, 2002 -- MR. LOSER (Paulie Walnuts)
BROWNS 21, JAGUARS 20 - Got hometown Jags minus 1 1/2 and a 20-14 lead because Tom Coughlin prefers the chippie field goal to going for it fourth-and-goal at the Cleveland 4 and making the Browns march 65 yards into tying field-goal range if we can't get in the end zone.
But at least this 20-14 lead is different from all the other 20-14 leads I have blown in my tortured betting life.
This 20-14 lead can only be overcome by a 50-yard Hail Mary on the last play of the game.
I look in the mirror, adjust my Nehru jacket and tell myself: "Mr. Loser, get ready to change your name to Mr. Winner."
Doug Flutie calls.
"Remember Gerard Phelan," he says, and hangs up.
Franco Harris calls.
"Remember the Immaculate Reception," he says, and hangs up.
Herm Edwards calls.
"Remember the Miracle of the Meadowlands," he says, and hangs up.
Mookie Wilson calls.
"Remember Buckner," he says, and hangs up.
Joe Montana calls.
"Remember the 1979 Cotton Bowl," he says, and hangs up.
Montana calls back.
"Remember The Catch," he says, and hangs up.
Don Zimmer calls.
"Remember the '78 Bosox," he says, and hangs up.
Dan Marino calls.
"Remember The Fake Spike," he says, and hangs up.
The Stanford marching band calls.
"Remember Cal," the tuba player says, and hangs up.
Roger Staubach and Drew Pearson call.
"Remember the '75 playoff game against the Vikings," they say together, and hang up.
Kentucky coach Guy Morriss calls.
"Remember the LSU game," he says, and hangs up.
Ahmad Rashad calls.
"Remember 1980 against the Browns," he says, and hangs up.
Kordell Stewart calls.
"Remember Michael Westbrook against Michigan," he says, and hangs up.
Silky Sullivan calls.
"Remember Santa Anita," he says, and hangs up.
My caller ID tells me they're all at Yogi's house.
I call Yogi.
"Listen, you," I tell him. "You ever think that sometimes it is over before it's over?", and when he starts guffawing I hang up.
Just in time to watch Tim Couch throw a prayer to the heavens that somehow, some way, with Fernando Bryant draped all over him, Quincy Morgan answers, cradling the ball as he falls into the end zone.
"That's no catch!" I scream.
Naturally, I lose the replay review.
And my shirt (and Nehru jacket too).
Damn Yogi.
CARDINALS 23, LIONS 20 (OT) - Got visiting Lions plus 1 1/2 and a 20-17 lead when Marcel Shipp, fourth-and-1 at my 39, gets the yard and Bill Gramatica boots the tying field goal with 3:23 left in regulation.
We go to overtime and Robert Porcher harasses Jake Plummer into an interception by Chris Claiborne, and yahoo, Claiborne runs it deep into Arizona territory and even J. Lo could booty the cover field goal.
Except that there are offsetting penalties.
No play.
And of course on third-and-7 from his 49, Plummer hits Kevin Kasper for 23 yards, and three plays later Gramatica's 42-yard field goal wins it.
PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 22 - Got hometown Pack minus 91/2 and no hope until Tony Fisher scores with 1:06 left and Darren Sharper picks off a Hail Daunte and look at him go!
I'm on my feet now, screaming "Go, go, go."
He goes, goes, goes. . . 66 yards to the Viking 16, where offensive lineman David Dixon, who must be real fast lugging that 6-5, 358-pound frame around with him wherever he goes, finally stops him.
Fail Mary for the Vikes, and Fail Mary for me.
And that's why they call me Mr. Loser.
And let's not even talk about last nights game.
ALL HAIL BROKE LOOSE
December 10, 2002 -- MR. LOSER (Paulie Walnuts)
BROWNS 21, JAGUARS 20 - Got hometown Jags minus 1 1/2 and a 20-14 lead because Tom Coughlin prefers the chippie field goal to going for it fourth-and-goal at the Cleveland 4 and making the Browns march 65 yards into tying field-goal range if we can't get in the end zone.
But at least this 20-14 lead is different from all the other 20-14 leads I have blown in my tortured betting life.
This 20-14 lead can only be overcome by a 50-yard Hail Mary on the last play of the game.
I look in the mirror, adjust my Nehru jacket and tell myself: "Mr. Loser, get ready to change your name to Mr. Winner."
Doug Flutie calls.
"Remember Gerard Phelan," he says, and hangs up.
Franco Harris calls.
"Remember the Immaculate Reception," he says, and hangs up.
Herm Edwards calls.
"Remember the Miracle of the Meadowlands," he says, and hangs up.
Mookie Wilson calls.
"Remember Buckner," he says, and hangs up.
Joe Montana calls.
"Remember the 1979 Cotton Bowl," he says, and hangs up.
Montana calls back.
"Remember The Catch," he says, and hangs up.
Don Zimmer calls.
"Remember the '78 Bosox," he says, and hangs up.
Dan Marino calls.
"Remember The Fake Spike," he says, and hangs up.
The Stanford marching band calls.
"Remember Cal," the tuba player says, and hangs up.
Roger Staubach and Drew Pearson call.
"Remember the '75 playoff game against the Vikings," they say together, and hang up.
Kentucky coach Guy Morriss calls.
"Remember the LSU game," he says, and hangs up.
Ahmad Rashad calls.
"Remember 1980 against the Browns," he says, and hangs up.
Kordell Stewart calls.
"Remember Michael Westbrook against Michigan," he says, and hangs up.
Silky Sullivan calls.
"Remember Santa Anita," he says, and hangs up.
My caller ID tells me they're all at Yogi's house.
I call Yogi.
"Listen, you," I tell him. "You ever think that sometimes it is over before it's over?", and when he starts guffawing I hang up.
Just in time to watch Tim Couch throw a prayer to the heavens that somehow, some way, with Fernando Bryant draped all over him, Quincy Morgan answers, cradling the ball as he falls into the end zone.
"That's no catch!" I scream.
Naturally, I lose the replay review.
And my shirt (and Nehru jacket too).
Damn Yogi.
CARDINALS 23, LIONS 20 (OT) - Got visiting Lions plus 1 1/2 and a 20-17 lead when Marcel Shipp, fourth-and-1 at my 39, gets the yard and Bill Gramatica boots the tying field goal with 3:23 left in regulation.
We go to overtime and Robert Porcher harasses Jake Plummer into an interception by Chris Claiborne, and yahoo, Claiborne runs it deep into Arizona territory and even J. Lo could booty the cover field goal.
Except that there are offsetting penalties.
No play.
And of course on third-and-7 from his 49, Plummer hits Kevin Kasper for 23 yards, and three plays later Gramatica's 42-yard field goal wins it.
PACKERS 26, VIKINGS 22 - Got hometown Pack minus 91/2 and no hope until Tony Fisher scores with 1:06 left and Darren Sharper picks off a Hail Daunte and look at him go!
I'm on my feet now, screaming "Go, go, go."
He goes, goes, goes. . . 66 yards to the Viking 16, where offensive lineman David Dixon, who must be real fast lugging that 6-5, 358-pound frame around with him wherever he goes, finally stops him.
Fail Mary for the Vikes, and Fail Mary for me.
And that's why they call me Mr. Loser.
And let's not even talk about last nights game.