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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
He’s sarcastic, moody, impatient, spiteful and ruthless ….
Doesn’t apppeciate Idol Wannabes wasting his time.
Won’t be conned either … unlike his co – partners , Paula and Randy … who can get hoodwinked from time to time.
NO ONE gets over on Simon.
This is the best time to watch American Idol … in the beginning of the season, when every YUTZ in creation steps up and performs … and IT’S FREAKING HILARIOUS.
Here are a couple of Week One Rejects :
Just Get A Load of this guy
David "Nick" McCord (a.k.a. "Flawless"), 25, from Athens, Georgia, at the Denver audition.
He wore pajamas !
And he’s got them in all colors too … he modeled them for the cameras.
I was the one who needed to change clothes … I pissed my pants laughing so hard.
Anyway, after his stirring rendition of “ Mary Had A Little Lamb “ or at least , so it sounded … Simon tore into him with:
“ That was absolutely horrific “
“ Your voice is EX CRU ZEE ATE ING … long nails on a blackboard “
“ I don’t know if I want to do this any more … I’ve lost my will to live !!! “
We were in stitches as this geek just stood there with his mouth open in disbelief … Pajama Boy actually thought he was good enough. Paula and Randy were in tears over this guy.
After he was told to leave, “ Flawless “ insisted that he will be a Superstar someday , despite Simon’s Rude Treatment.
Yeah right , “ Nick “ , and the dish ran away with the spoon.
And now check out this one …. who actually had the audacity to dress up like The Statue of Liberty …
Blake Boshnack, 20 , of Hewlett Neck, NY
His song was “ New York , New York “
I swear this guy sang 4 words …. “ Start spreading the news “ …. then was abruptly interrupted and told to stop.
Simon then pointed to the door , and off he went.
He then said : “ Dreadful … positively Dreadful ! “
Now who does Simon sound like ? Hmmmmmm .
NEXT !!!!!
Sammy Neighbors, 22, from Greensboro, N.C.
THE FUCKING BEST !!!!!!
Simon said to this guy …
“ You look like Sylvester Stallone’s Sister …
You’re useless … I’m bored …
Buh Bye Now “
Guys and Girls … if you get the chance, PLEASE WATCH THIS SHOW ! It’s on a few times each week … on FOX Network. It’s even more hilarious than basketball.
Why do I like Simon so much ?
I told you already ….
He’s sarcastic, moody, impatient, spiteful and ruthless ….
And he loathes incompetence.
I AM SIMON COWELL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
I stopped watching basketball many years ago, the minute I saw players shaking hands with their teammate after missing a free throw......
For me … that’s all I had to see … then I wrote the game off completely.
Praising and rewarding failure … it’s beyond the scope of my comprehension … not for me … not in this lifetime.
What’s even more disturbing is the fact that in the past 15 years no one has had the sac to stand up in any locker room and explain to his team how very ridiculous it is to do that.
Red Auerbach would have blown a gasket if he EVER saw his team act so nonsensically … John Wooden, too !!!
I remember The Good Old Days with The Boston Celtics and the very great teams they had … Bob Cousy, Bill Sharman, Bill Russell , Frank Ramsay … “Jungle” Jim Luscatoff … Tom Heinsohn … OMG Tommy was one tough MF’er !!!
If Sharman went to the line for a couple and he missed the first , Tommy would give him a look as if to say :
“It’s OK Bill … it happens … but miss the next one and I’m beating the shit out of you.”
Sharman was always up there in free throw % … every year.
I would be too if it meant a good ass kicking if I missed a pair … lol .
Every Old Timer ( I’m not THAT old … lol ) likes to tell younger people in general that “ BACK IN MY DAY … Baseball ( or Football or Hockey … or anything for that matter ) was so much better than it is nowadays “ .
And the youth just stands there and thinks to himself “ Yeah Yeah Yeah … Sure, Sure … Anything you say … “
It may not be true …. But just try to explain that to the elder … lol .
I’m at the age where at times I’m on both sides of that nostalgic coin.
It’s only natural for each of us to feel that when we were growing up , we had the best sports, the best music, the best movies … the best Holidays … you name it.
And why not ?
Discovering things at a young age with all the newness and excitement represents an era which for many of us was the time of our lives … things were so much more uncomplicated … things were pure .
So once in a while be a little patient with someone who likes to reminisce about the Great Old Days, and allow that person to go back in time and have a few moments of extreme joy.
You’ll do the very same thing someday.
No Doubt !!!
It’s just the Natural Order of Things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Linesmaker ….
You know we’ve been friends now going on 30 years and I’ve
learned never to question your judgment, but I just gotta ask you 2 questions … please :
“ Why in the hell did you make Pittsburgh the favorite in this game vs. Seattle ? “
and …
“ Have you taken a giant leap from all of your good sense and sensibility ? “
You have my number … please call me no later than Sunday afternoon.
Your friend,
Neil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
No one showed more dedication or worked harder
No one ran the routes more precisely
There was and is no one better than Jerry Rice
And now he is radio pitching some aches and pains remedy called “ Tiger Balm “
The stuff works , but it stinks like The New York Knicks locker room after a triple overtime game … on the equator.
(There are many Natural products out there with the same effectiveness and without the odor.)
Rice is also involved with that fruitcake REALITY show , “ Dancing with the Stars “ where he flitters around some dance floor in a tuxedo … like Tinkerbell
It’s really sad …
The Real Reality is that with all his knowledge and respect, all that he’s brought to the sport of Football, Jerry Rice could be doing so much more … especially for young, aspiring athletes , who are not in need of a Tiger Balm and care only to dance in the endzone.
I don't understand , Jerry ... what's your play here ? Are you trying to make people forget how great you once were ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
And now … Back by unpopular demand …
HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
SSSSSTEEEEEEEEEPHENNNNN AAAAAA SMITH
IN THE HOWWWWWWWWWSEEEEEEE !!!!
TENNNN FITHY
EEEEE ESSSSSS PEEEEEE ENNNNNNN
HOLLLLLLAHHHH AT CHA BOY !!!!
$3,000
That’s what I offer for just one SLAP up side this guy’s face.
No closed fist.
No backhands either.
Just one good, clean, crisp SLAP
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
You want the Super Bowl Coverer ?
It’s the easiest game of all to win.
Just go to your favorite restaurant or bar or party on Sunday … anywhere with lots of people who are drinking.
Wait right up until game time when the teams are introduced.
Listen carefully to the reaction of those around you for each team.
Whoever got the loudest fanfare ….
Go against that team !!!
Then make the call to your “ Out “
Send it in …
Go to confession next Saturday and tell the priest that you stole.
For God’s sake , don’t overthink this game ….
The amateurs will hand you the right side on a silver tray.
*** Footnote ***
This applies to all folks except those residing on the Left and Right Coasts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
The screws are tightening on Isiah Thomas .....
Allegations of a child born in an adulterous relationship
His son is now stepping up and saying things about his father
Rotten GM … well we knew that all along…
And still more to come !!!
(Some athletes look great in a team uniform, but when they are forced to wear a suit and tie, right away they get all confused … some just don’t belong in a thinking environment)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
It’s all who you know ……
The Jets fired their offensive coordinator.
I didn’t know the Jets even had one for the past few years … did you ?
What with money pouring out of Jet Ownership like Cement , I figured they pocketed the “unnecessary” expense.
So Mike Shanahan hired former New York Jets Offensive Coordinator Mike Heimerdinger as assistant head coach. They were college roommates at Eastern Illinois. He tossed a bone to his old friend to replace longtime assistant Gary Kubiak on his coaching staff. ( Kubiak will now coach David Carr and The Texans )
Heimerdinger’s role with The Broncos will not be that of offensive coordinator. Why is that not a surprise ? Rumor has it that he’ll be in charge of popping the corn for game films.
“ We’ll start him there and in a year or two we’ll see how he does “, Shanahan said … “ If he shows promise I won’t hesitate to promote him to cold cuts and beverage distribution “ .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
A bunch of us were at dinner the other night and a friend of ours was bragging about what a great salesman he is , even in his younger days …
He said: “ It was magical … I would simply turn on the charm to anyone who came up to me, and the deal was done.”
“What did you sell? “ , we asked.
“ Gasoline”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
I never liked “The Sopranos” …
It’s a stupid show about a bunch of good for nothings, too lazy, cowardly and unskillful to make it on their own. So they hang around in packs to make a living. And with one or two exceptions , the women are portrayed as moronic and slutty.
It’s an outrage and an embarassment for all good , decent , hard working , God Fearing , proud people of Italian Ancestry.
This will be the show’s final season … finally.
And then the writers, producers, actors and actresses will scramble to find other work , preferably in the same genre … as Italians who sell out and disgrace their very own ancestry … just to make a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
And lastly, Some Valentine’s Day Advice …
PLEASE PAY ATTENTION
Occasions like Valentine’s Day have always meant a great deal to my wife and I … we hand pick the cards we exchange, taking our time to carefully read every single word.
Sounds Corny … lol … but it sure works for us.
But just this morning in the shower some thoughts occurred to me and I thought I’d pass them along:
Ever think of the person who writes the love poems for Hallmark ?
Well here’s one of them:
Her name is Barbara Loots and she’s been writing jingles for Hallmark for the past 35 years.
So while I was washing my balls I thought to myself: “ What if Barbara wakes up one morning with A GIGANTIC BUG UP HER ASS !!! “
I heard her saying: “ Wooppp – eeeeee another long , miserable fucking day …. 35 stinking, lonely years locked in that 4’ by 4’ Hallmark cubicle that they put me in … gasping for air and doodling silly fucking love poems for all those assholes who never take the time to read them anyway. Well today it’s going to be different … today I’m going to screw 100 million husbands all over the world … fuck em … I hate men anyway. “
So she sits down and writes a Valentine’s Day Poem for distribution in 2006 and it goes something like this:
Dearest Sweetheart ~
I treasure our life together,
Filled with warmth, passion, and bliss,
The times we smile
The times we frown
The way we hug and kiss.
I miss you so when we are apart,
Like the sun on a cold winter’s day,
I yearn for you
With all of my heart
More than words can ever say.
So please keep your chin up,
I’ve decided to kill my wife,
That nagging bitch
Will be floating tits up
And then we will have a life.
See what I mean guys ?
One minute you think you’re a hot shot … flowers , candy , a beautiful card.
Next minute you getting beat over the head with every kitchen appliance known to mankind.
Three months later your divorce attorney advises you to surrender 65% of everything you’ve ever worked for.
So in the coming weeks , Gentlemen , read the cards.
READ THE FUCKING CARDS
See Ya Friday with This Sunday’s Superbowl Coverer.
Your Pal,
Neil
I LOVE SIMON COWELL !!!
He’s sarcastic, moody, impatient, spiteful and ruthless ….
Doesn’t apppeciate Idol Wannabes wasting his time.
Won’t be conned either … unlike his co – partners , Paula and Randy … who can get hoodwinked from time to time.
NO ONE gets over on Simon.
This is the best time to watch American Idol … in the beginning of the season, when every YUTZ in creation steps up and performs … and IT’S FREAKING HILARIOUS.
Here are a couple of Week One Rejects :
Just Get A Load of this guy
David "Nick" McCord (a.k.a. "Flawless"), 25, from Athens, Georgia, at the Denver audition.
He wore pajamas !
And he’s got them in all colors too … he modeled them for the cameras.
I was the one who needed to change clothes … I pissed my pants laughing so hard.
Anyway, after his stirring rendition of “ Mary Had A Little Lamb “ or at least , so it sounded … Simon tore into him with:
“ That was absolutely horrific “
“ Your voice is EX CRU ZEE ATE ING … long nails on a blackboard “
“ I don’t know if I want to do this any more … I’ve lost my will to live !!! “
We were in stitches as this geek just stood there with his mouth open in disbelief … Pajama Boy actually thought he was good enough. Paula and Randy were in tears over this guy.
After he was told to leave, “ Flawless “ insisted that he will be a Superstar someday , despite Simon’s Rude Treatment.
Yeah right , “ Nick “ , and the dish ran away with the spoon.
And now check out this one …. who actually had the audacity to dress up like The Statue of Liberty …
Blake Boshnack, 20 , of Hewlett Neck, NY
His song was “ New York , New York “
I swear this guy sang 4 words …. “ Start spreading the news “ …. then was abruptly interrupted and told to stop.
Simon then pointed to the door , and off he went.
He then said : “ Dreadful … positively Dreadful ! “
Now who does Simon sound like ? Hmmmmmm .
NEXT !!!!!
Sammy Neighbors, 22, from Greensboro, N.C.
THE FUCKING BEST !!!!!!
Simon said to this guy …
“ You look like Sylvester Stallone’s Sister …
You’re useless … I’m bored …
Buh Bye Now “
Guys and Girls … if you get the chance, PLEASE WATCH THIS SHOW ! It’s on a few times each week … on FOX Network. It’s even more hilarious than basketball.
Why do I like Simon so much ?
I told you already ….
He’s sarcastic, moody, impatient, spiteful and ruthless ….
And he loathes incompetence.
I AM SIMON COWELL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
I stopped watching basketball many years ago, the minute I saw players shaking hands with their teammate after missing a free throw......
For me … that’s all I had to see … then I wrote the game off completely.
Praising and rewarding failure … it’s beyond the scope of my comprehension … not for me … not in this lifetime.
What’s even more disturbing is the fact that in the past 15 years no one has had the sac to stand up in any locker room and explain to his team how very ridiculous it is to do that.
Red Auerbach would have blown a gasket if he EVER saw his team act so nonsensically … John Wooden, too !!!
I remember The Good Old Days with The Boston Celtics and the very great teams they had … Bob Cousy, Bill Sharman, Bill Russell , Frank Ramsay … “Jungle” Jim Luscatoff … Tom Heinsohn … OMG Tommy was one tough MF’er !!!
If Sharman went to the line for a couple and he missed the first , Tommy would give him a look as if to say :
“It’s OK Bill … it happens … but miss the next one and I’m beating the shit out of you.”
Sharman was always up there in free throw % … every year.
I would be too if it meant a good ass kicking if I missed a pair … lol .
Every Old Timer ( I’m not THAT old … lol ) likes to tell younger people in general that “ BACK IN MY DAY … Baseball ( or Football or Hockey … or anything for that matter ) was so much better than it is nowadays “ .
And the youth just stands there and thinks to himself “ Yeah Yeah Yeah … Sure, Sure … Anything you say … “
It may not be true …. But just try to explain that to the elder … lol .
I’m at the age where at times I’m on both sides of that nostalgic coin.
It’s only natural for each of us to feel that when we were growing up , we had the best sports, the best music, the best movies … the best Holidays … you name it.
And why not ?
Discovering things at a young age with all the newness and excitement represents an era which for many of us was the time of our lives … things were so much more uncomplicated … things were pure .
So once in a while be a little patient with someone who likes to reminisce about the Great Old Days, and allow that person to go back in time and have a few moments of extreme joy.
You’ll do the very same thing someday.
No Doubt !!!
It’s just the Natural Order of Things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Linesmaker ….
You know we’ve been friends now going on 30 years and I’ve
learned never to question your judgment, but I just gotta ask you 2 questions … please :
“ Why in the hell did you make Pittsburgh the favorite in this game vs. Seattle ? “
and …
“ Have you taken a giant leap from all of your good sense and sensibility ? “
You have my number … please call me no later than Sunday afternoon.
Your friend,
Neil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
No one showed more dedication or worked harder
No one ran the routes more precisely
There was and is no one better than Jerry Rice
And now he is radio pitching some aches and pains remedy called “ Tiger Balm “
The stuff works , but it stinks like The New York Knicks locker room after a triple overtime game … on the equator.
(There are many Natural products out there with the same effectiveness and without the odor.)
Rice is also involved with that fruitcake REALITY show , “ Dancing with the Stars “ where he flitters around some dance floor in a tuxedo … like Tinkerbell
It’s really sad …
The Real Reality is that with all his knowledge and respect, all that he’s brought to the sport of Football, Jerry Rice could be doing so much more … especially for young, aspiring athletes , who are not in need of a Tiger Balm and care only to dance in the endzone.
I don't understand , Jerry ... what's your play here ? Are you trying to make people forget how great you once were ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
And now … Back by unpopular demand …
HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
SSSSSTEEEEEEEEEPHENNNNN AAAAAA SMITH
IN THE HOWWWWWWWWWSEEEEEEE !!!!
TENNNN FITHY
EEEEE ESSSSSS PEEEEEE ENNNNNNN
HOLLLLLLAHHHH AT CHA BOY !!!!
$3,000
That’s what I offer for just one SLAP up side this guy’s face.
No closed fist.
No backhands either.
Just one good, clean, crisp SLAP
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
You want the Super Bowl Coverer ?
It’s the easiest game of all to win.
Just go to your favorite restaurant or bar or party on Sunday … anywhere with lots of people who are drinking.
Wait right up until game time when the teams are introduced.
Listen carefully to the reaction of those around you for each team.
Whoever got the loudest fanfare ….
Go against that team !!!
Then make the call to your “ Out “
Send it in …
Go to confession next Saturday and tell the priest that you stole.
For God’s sake , don’t overthink this game ….
The amateurs will hand you the right side on a silver tray.
*** Footnote ***
This applies to all folks except those residing on the Left and Right Coasts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
The screws are tightening on Isiah Thomas .....
Allegations of a child born in an adulterous relationship
His son is now stepping up and saying things about his father
Rotten GM … well we knew that all along…
And still more to come !!!
(Some athletes look great in a team uniform, but when they are forced to wear a suit and tie, right away they get all confused … some just don’t belong in a thinking environment)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
It’s all who you know ……
The Jets fired their offensive coordinator.
I didn’t know the Jets even had one for the past few years … did you ?
What with money pouring out of Jet Ownership like Cement , I figured they pocketed the “unnecessary” expense.
So Mike Shanahan hired former New York Jets Offensive Coordinator Mike Heimerdinger as assistant head coach. They were college roommates at Eastern Illinois. He tossed a bone to his old friend to replace longtime assistant Gary Kubiak on his coaching staff. ( Kubiak will now coach David Carr and The Texans )
Heimerdinger’s role with The Broncos will not be that of offensive coordinator. Why is that not a surprise ? Rumor has it that he’ll be in charge of popping the corn for game films.
“ We’ll start him there and in a year or two we’ll see how he does “, Shanahan said … “ If he shows promise I won’t hesitate to promote him to cold cuts and beverage distribution “ .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
A bunch of us were at dinner the other night and a friend of ours was bragging about what a great salesman he is , even in his younger days …
He said: “ It was magical … I would simply turn on the charm to anyone who came up to me, and the deal was done.”
“What did you sell? “ , we asked.
“ Gasoline”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
I never liked “The Sopranos” …
It’s a stupid show about a bunch of good for nothings, too lazy, cowardly and unskillful to make it on their own. So they hang around in packs to make a living. And with one or two exceptions , the women are portrayed as moronic and slutty.
It’s an outrage and an embarassment for all good , decent , hard working , God Fearing , proud people of Italian Ancestry.
This will be the show’s final season … finally.
And then the writers, producers, actors and actresses will scramble to find other work , preferably in the same genre … as Italians who sell out and disgrace their very own ancestry … just to make a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
And lastly, Some Valentine’s Day Advice …
PLEASE PAY ATTENTION
Occasions like Valentine’s Day have always meant a great deal to my wife and I … we hand pick the cards we exchange, taking our time to carefully read every single word.
Sounds Corny … lol … but it sure works for us.
But just this morning in the shower some thoughts occurred to me and I thought I’d pass them along:
Ever think of the person who writes the love poems for Hallmark ?
Well here’s one of them:
Her name is Barbara Loots and she’s been writing jingles for Hallmark for the past 35 years.
So while I was washing my balls I thought to myself: “ What if Barbara wakes up one morning with A GIGANTIC BUG UP HER ASS !!! “
I heard her saying: “ Wooppp – eeeeee another long , miserable fucking day …. 35 stinking, lonely years locked in that 4’ by 4’ Hallmark cubicle that they put me in … gasping for air and doodling silly fucking love poems for all those assholes who never take the time to read them anyway. Well today it’s going to be different … today I’m going to screw 100 million husbands all over the world … fuck em … I hate men anyway. “
So she sits down and writes a Valentine’s Day Poem for distribution in 2006 and it goes something like this:
Dearest Sweetheart ~
I treasure our life together,
Filled with warmth, passion, and bliss,
The times we smile
The times we frown
The way we hug and kiss.
I miss you so when we are apart,
Like the sun on a cold winter’s day,
I yearn for you
With all of my heart
More than words can ever say.
So please keep your chin up,
I’ve decided to kill my wife,
That nagging bitch
Will be floating tits up
And then we will have a life.
See what I mean guys ?
One minute you think you’re a hot shot … flowers , candy , a beautiful card.
Next minute you getting beat over the head with every kitchen appliance known to mankind.
Three months later your divorce attorney advises you to surrender 65% of everything you’ve ever worked for.
So in the coming weeks , Gentlemen , read the cards.
READ THE FUCKING CARDS
See Ya Friday with This Sunday’s Superbowl Coverer.
Your Pal,
Neil
U-C-O-N-N = Uconn! Uconn! Uconn!
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention to arrive safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but,rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: WOW!!! What a ride!! 
It's always noon somewhere! 
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