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Busy week … lots of shopping for loved ones , plenty of fun … I love to spend money.
Threw this together … as usual , a little of this , a little of that.
**********************************************
This is a repeat of something I wrote last June. Since this is the shopping season I thought I’d post it once again:
A Day in the Life of ME ... 6/24/05
Yesterday I went shopping. And I'm in one of the stores … get what I gotta get … and I go to check out. Naturally there's a line , which I despise , but I'm hangin’ out staring at this chick's ass in front of me … you know … to while away the HOURS . It wasn't a great ass mind you … a little too skinny for my taste … but it was a time passer nonetheless. Through a flimsy skirt I could see the faint outline of a thong nestled in her crack and I was debating whether or not to drop my knees and stick my tongue up there but I decided against it because there was this Nun standing right behind me and there are some things I just won't do.
Anyway , It's finally my turn … I ask the Sister if she would like to go ahead of me … she politely declined … I offered once more … “ that’s very kind but no thank you “ … ( nothing like scoring points with The Big Guy I always say ) … so the cashier rings me up … and I hand her a C Note.
She pulls out this felt pen , holds the bill up to the light , marks the bill , holds it up again , gazes at it , squints , studies it , spits on it, smells it , licks it … and now there are a dozen people on line behind me shaking their heads and breathing heavy, including Sister Mary Joseph.
So she hands me the change … ones … fives … a few tens … and a sawbuck.
I then took out MY pen which I purchased earlier at Staples and started to mark each and every one of the bills I received as change … one by one I held them up to the light… marked them … studied them … gazed at them … squinted … sniffed them … licked them … scratched my head … marked them again … spit on them … and all the while taking my sweet ass time in doing so.
The people behind me started to crack up laughing all at the same time followed by a round of applause . It was the fuckin' best !!!
So This Putz Store Manager hears the commotion and waddles on over and asks what's goin' on .
So I says to him: "I'll be with you in a minute , Pal … I'm just checkin to see if your money is good … you know .. just like you check all of OUR money … why ??? … you got a problem with that ? "
Putz: “ Sir I’m going to have to ask you to leave “
Cb: “ Shhhhhhhh … I’m almost done “
Putz: “ SIR ???? “
Cb: “ PAL , One more interruption and I’ll be forced to do a re-test “
The Putz folded his arms and rolled his eyes . What a Quiff !!! LoL … ( the people on the line were really cracking up by now, especially the Nun )
So I turned to them, winked, and holding up my bills in a raised hand I assured them that the store’s money was clean.
Another outburst of laughter and applause .
Then I raised my voice just a little and added: " So Pal … The FBI can't make any headway figuring out who's behind this International Ring of Counterfeiters who've been plaguing this country for decades … but your "EDNA" here in check out Aisle 8 of Bed , Bath and Beyond … Oh Yeah … SHE'S GONNA CRACK THE CASE "
Then I left to another round of applause.
**********************************************
In the first grade ( Catholic School ) this Nun was teaching us arithmetic. So she called my name out loud and it startled me because I was playing with Diane De Luca’s long blond curls at the time.
The Sister asked :
“ Master Neil , would you mind telling the class how much money you would have if I gave you 2 dollars and your father gave you 2 dollars ? “
“ Not at all , Sister …. I’d have 2 dollars “
“ Neil … you don’t know your arithmetic !!! “
“ Sister … you don’t know my old man !!! “
**********************************************
This one is about respect for The Dollar and just plain old Common Sense …
Ever hear a friend say this ?
“ I just made a score so now I think I'll keep on playing … after all, what the hell ? … It's house money. “
Nothing frustrates me more than hearing the words “ House Money “
I don’t care whether it’s in a Casino , a Sportsbook , The Stock Market … some Race Track … anywhere … It’s NEVER house money … it’s always OUR money in our pockets from the yield of our risk and labor. There is no such thing as money won . It's always money earned. And if you're fortunate enough to be young, it will do you well to grasp this concept sooner , rather than later.
Imagine the hundreds upon hundreds of millions each year that are squandered by people who “think” just like that? … instead of buying themselves an automobile , a time piece , a $3,000 suit … a great big chunk of gold …. or building a stash to someday reach a long term goal …. something … any token which will be a constant reminder that what we do is most meaningful … and then sitting back and just feeling good about ourselves. After all, isn't our time valuable?
So straighten me out here . Are these people looking to give it back ? … is it that they can’t stand prosperity ? … Is it a case of low self esteem ? … Fear of success ? … an excuse to feel sorrowful ? … All of the above ?
Any input is welcomed because right now I’m feeling Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.
**********************************************
Teams should not be penalized for celebrating in the endzone.
However ,they should be held accountable big time for any of it’s players ( college or pro ) who , after a run or catching a pass, strikes that stupid, stupid pose while signalling a first down… Don’t you just want to smack those guys ?
See what I mean ?
So say hi to Marvin, The Town Souse … he’s going to show us how it’s supposed to be done. I paid him $200 and bought him a ridiculous shirt just to pose while I click away.
Marv … Signal The first down for us please
Very good !!! … Now , the Off Sides
Bravo !!! The Incomplete pass …
Excellent , Tubby, now how bout Pass Interference ?
NO .... JERKOFF , THAT’S A SAFETY …. FOCUS , you Barrel Ass !!! ... NOW SIGNAL PASS INTERFERENCE ….
That’s better …. Hang in there Marvin , just a few more … if you do good I’ll get you some Wild Turkey. Now throw the flag !!!
Good boy … now Curtsy for us , just like Shirley Temple used to do in the old movies ...
And wave bye-bye
**********************************************
When Misery Loves Company …
This One’s from The Detroit Press :
"Jeff Garcia's girlfriend, Carmella DeCesare, raised some eyebrows this week when she called a sports talk radio show because she was upset about some fans' behavior.. "I had a cable guy come into my house and just start berating the Packers, not realizing who he was talking to," said DeCesare.” finally I had to tell him to Shut up ! “
Ummmm … Carmella … snap out of it , DUNCE ...your boyfriend plays for The Lions
**********************************************
The Disgrace of The Century
Anyone remember this Twat ?
Her name is Rosie Ruiz and she won the 1980 Boston Marathon … that is , until the judges saw that he had not even broke a sweat after crossing the finish line. Her competitors also were suspiscious … of her time … 25 minutes faster than she had ever run before … that and the fact that no one remembered seeing her on the course!
Upon further investigation it was revealed that this dishrag hopped on a subway shortly after the race began … timed everything perfectly … got off the train … then snuck back on the course just one mile before the finish line.
In order to qualify for The Marathon , she pulled the same stunt in New York City and got away with it … for a while , anyway.
She was eventually DQ’ed, banned from all future competitive races, and has since lived a life of disgrace and shame.
Besides being a thieving slug and a low rent cheating little weasel , Rosie is also very stupid . She missed her move … she could have written a book with a chance to make some real dough.
If she had , she probably would have scribbled any old half assed thing for the first chapter , then skipped all the way to Chapter 20 for the ending.
**********************************************
OK …. it’s time to fess up … come clean … get it all out in the open …. spill my guts …. pour my heart out …. So many times I wanted so bad to shout it out loud and tell the BC world, but I held back …
Now I just can’t keep it in any longer !!!
SO HERE GOES !!!!
Frankie B and I have decided to become lovers !
Mind you , we’re not gay yet ( HUH ? ) but we want to give it a shot.
It seems that all our IM’s , E-mails , and late night phone calls have built up a sexual tension between us … and now we’ve fallen head over heels for one another.
Frankie thinks my voice is very sexy, my kharma is soft, my legs are long … and besides he’s always secretly wanted to dick a guitar player balls deep.
Me ? I want him to wrap those construction worker meat hooks of his around me so tight and spin me on the dance floor like I’ve never been spun before … to twirl me around like he and only he knows how to twirl ... to cover me in Italian Olive Oil , then weep tears of joy !!!!
I’ll keep you updated
**********************************************
ESPN announcers are the worst … that’s common knowledge.
But now they’ve hit absolute rock bottom.
Bob Davie … How I would love to pummel him over and again with a large sock filled with horse manure.
This former Notre Dame coaching disgrace is a slow talking, irritating, boring, condescending, freaking sub moron.
And to his resume we can add that he’s a flaming fruitcake, too.
Back to not watching any games for me except Sunday Satellite Football.
**********************************************
Here are a few pearls from the late, great comedian , Rodney Dangerfield:
“ I was an ugly kid . When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”
“ My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks. “
“ A homeless man came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, “ Man, I wish I had your will power. “
“ I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
Ugly !! Four gay guys saw me and went straight.
Ugly !!! On Halloween, I opened the front door … kids gave me candy. “
This one’s my fave …
“ I loaned a girl $ 10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can’t find her. I don’t know what she looks like. “
“ My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. “
“ I live in a rough neighborhood. One night I was held up. This guy … he took my watch . He took my wallet . He took a little off the sides. But at least the mugger had class. He used an electric razor. Actually I blame myself. I shouldn’t have been standing right next to an outlet.”
“When I was a kid I got no respect. Once I was kidnapped. They sent my parents a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof. “
“ I tell ya one thing … my wife keeps me in line … no matter how many guys are ahead of me. “
“You know you’re getting old when at Christmas Time your insurance company sends you half a calendar. “
“ My wife and I checked into a hotel. I asked the bell hop to pick up my bag. He felt up my wife. I said : “ Who told you to do that ??? “ . He said : “ Everybody “
“ I’m tellin ya I’m ugly … While I was getting mugged the robber took off his mask and made me wear it “
Once I went for a vasectomy … the doc said “ With your face you don’t need one. “
My dog … last night he went on the paper 4 times ... while I was reading it. “
**********************************************
And Lastly …. My Christmas Wish For All of Us …
This morning I was in Hallmark when an old man slowly walked up to the salesperson asked her if she had any “ Christmas Cards that were not Religious “ . She just stood there not knowing what to say.
I felt sorry for the old timer , thinking that this viral, non religious holiday bullshit that's going around has now worked it’s way into confusing even the elderly.
“Politically Correct.“
I HATE THOSE WORDS
They're nothing more than cheap make – up, merely masking the animosity that exists among certain people and, sorrowfully , some are actually buying into it.
Don't be afraid to say to anyone the greeting of YOUR PARTICULAR HOLIDAY ... Don't hold back from sharing your warm and sincere feeling ... that's exactly what we are doing ... sharing. Anyone offended by this just doesn't get it.
So it's Merry Christmas to all of you because that's how I was raised and it's also what I still believe in my heart. And it doesn't mean for one second that I don't respect any of you who are of a different faith.
My wish is that none of us as individuals ever forgets who and what we are , our roots from where we came , and where we are headed. And please never allow anyone … ANYONE … to try to subvert our will , remold our thinking and our beliefs , and above all ... attempt to steal our most valuable treasure … our soul.
*********************************************
See you next week !
Love You
Neil
Threw this together … as usual , a little of this , a little of that.
**********************************************
This is a repeat of something I wrote last June. Since this is the shopping season I thought I’d post it once again:
A Day in the Life of ME ... 6/24/05
Yesterday I went shopping. And I'm in one of the stores … get what I gotta get … and I go to check out. Naturally there's a line , which I despise , but I'm hangin’ out staring at this chick's ass in front of me … you know … to while away the HOURS . It wasn't a great ass mind you … a little too skinny for my taste … but it was a time passer nonetheless. Through a flimsy skirt I could see the faint outline of a thong nestled in her crack and I was debating whether or not to drop my knees and stick my tongue up there but I decided against it because there was this Nun standing right behind me and there are some things I just won't do.
Anyway , It's finally my turn … I ask the Sister if she would like to go ahead of me … she politely declined … I offered once more … “ that’s very kind but no thank you “ … ( nothing like scoring points with The Big Guy I always say ) … so the cashier rings me up … and I hand her a C Note.
She pulls out this felt pen , holds the bill up to the light , marks the bill , holds it up again , gazes at it , squints , studies it , spits on it, smells it , licks it … and now there are a dozen people on line behind me shaking their heads and breathing heavy, including Sister Mary Joseph.
So she hands me the change … ones … fives … a few tens … and a sawbuck.
I then took out MY pen which I purchased earlier at Staples and started to mark each and every one of the bills I received as change … one by one I held them up to the light… marked them … studied them … gazed at them … squinted … sniffed them … licked them … scratched my head … marked them again … spit on them … and all the while taking my sweet ass time in doing so.
The people behind me started to crack up laughing all at the same time followed by a round of applause . It was the fuckin' best !!!
So This Putz Store Manager hears the commotion and waddles on over and asks what's goin' on .
So I says to him: "I'll be with you in a minute , Pal … I'm just checkin to see if your money is good … you know .. just like you check all of OUR money … why ??? … you got a problem with that ? "
Putz: “ Sir I’m going to have to ask you to leave “
Cb: “ Shhhhhhhh … I’m almost done “
Putz: “ SIR ???? “
Cb: “ PAL , One more interruption and I’ll be forced to do a re-test “
The Putz folded his arms and rolled his eyes . What a Quiff !!! LoL … ( the people on the line were really cracking up by now, especially the Nun )
So I turned to them, winked, and holding up my bills in a raised hand I assured them that the store’s money was clean.
Another outburst of laughter and applause .
Then I raised my voice just a little and added: " So Pal … The FBI can't make any headway figuring out who's behind this International Ring of Counterfeiters who've been plaguing this country for decades … but your "EDNA" here in check out Aisle 8 of Bed , Bath and Beyond … Oh Yeah … SHE'S GONNA CRACK THE CASE "
Then I left to another round of applause.
**********************************************
In the first grade ( Catholic School ) this Nun was teaching us arithmetic. So she called my name out loud and it startled me because I was playing with Diane De Luca’s long blond curls at the time.
The Sister asked :
“ Master Neil , would you mind telling the class how much money you would have if I gave you 2 dollars and your father gave you 2 dollars ? “
“ Not at all , Sister …. I’d have 2 dollars “
“ Neil … you don’t know your arithmetic !!! “
“ Sister … you don’t know my old man !!! “
**********************************************
This one is about respect for The Dollar and just plain old Common Sense …
Ever hear a friend say this ?
“ I just made a score so now I think I'll keep on playing … after all, what the hell ? … It's house money. “
Nothing frustrates me more than hearing the words “ House Money “
I don’t care whether it’s in a Casino , a Sportsbook , The Stock Market … some Race Track … anywhere … It’s NEVER house money … it’s always OUR money in our pockets from the yield of our risk and labor. There is no such thing as money won . It's always money earned. And if you're fortunate enough to be young, it will do you well to grasp this concept sooner , rather than later.
Imagine the hundreds upon hundreds of millions each year that are squandered by people who “think” just like that? … instead of buying themselves an automobile , a time piece , a $3,000 suit … a great big chunk of gold …. or building a stash to someday reach a long term goal …. something … any token which will be a constant reminder that what we do is most meaningful … and then sitting back and just feeling good about ourselves. After all, isn't our time valuable?
So straighten me out here . Are these people looking to give it back ? … is it that they can’t stand prosperity ? … Is it a case of low self esteem ? … Fear of success ? … an excuse to feel sorrowful ? … All of the above ?
Any input is welcomed because right now I’m feeling Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.
**********************************************
Teams should not be penalized for celebrating in the endzone.
However ,they should be held accountable big time for any of it’s players ( college or pro ) who , after a run or catching a pass, strikes that stupid, stupid pose while signalling a first down… Don’t you just want to smack those guys ?
See what I mean ?
So say hi to Marvin, The Town Souse … he’s going to show us how it’s supposed to be done. I paid him $200 and bought him a ridiculous shirt just to pose while I click away.
Marv … Signal The first down for us please
Very good !!! … Now , the Off Sides
Bravo !!! The Incomplete pass …
Excellent , Tubby, now how bout Pass Interference ?
NO .... JERKOFF , THAT’S A SAFETY …. FOCUS , you Barrel Ass !!! ... NOW SIGNAL PASS INTERFERENCE ….
That’s better …. Hang in there Marvin , just a few more … if you do good I’ll get you some Wild Turkey. Now throw the flag !!!
Good boy … now Curtsy for us , just like Shirley Temple used to do in the old movies ...
And wave bye-bye
**********************************************
When Misery Loves Company …
This One’s from The Detroit Press :
"Jeff Garcia's girlfriend, Carmella DeCesare, raised some eyebrows this week when she called a sports talk radio show because she was upset about some fans' behavior.. "I had a cable guy come into my house and just start berating the Packers, not realizing who he was talking to," said DeCesare.” finally I had to tell him to Shut up ! “
Ummmm … Carmella … snap out of it , DUNCE ...your boyfriend plays for The Lions
**********************************************
The Disgrace of The Century
Anyone remember this Twat ?
Her name is Rosie Ruiz and she won the 1980 Boston Marathon … that is , until the judges saw that he had not even broke a sweat after crossing the finish line. Her competitors also were suspiscious … of her time … 25 minutes faster than she had ever run before … that and the fact that no one remembered seeing her on the course!
Upon further investigation it was revealed that this dishrag hopped on a subway shortly after the race began … timed everything perfectly … got off the train … then snuck back on the course just one mile before the finish line.
In order to qualify for The Marathon , she pulled the same stunt in New York City and got away with it … for a while , anyway.
She was eventually DQ’ed, banned from all future competitive races, and has since lived a life of disgrace and shame.
Besides being a thieving slug and a low rent cheating little weasel , Rosie is also very stupid . She missed her move … she could have written a book with a chance to make some real dough.
If she had , she probably would have scribbled any old half assed thing for the first chapter , then skipped all the way to Chapter 20 for the ending.
**********************************************
OK …. it’s time to fess up … come clean … get it all out in the open …. spill my guts …. pour my heart out …. So many times I wanted so bad to shout it out loud and tell the BC world, but I held back …
Now I just can’t keep it in any longer !!!
SO HERE GOES !!!!
Frankie B and I have decided to become lovers !
Mind you , we’re not gay yet ( HUH ? ) but we want to give it a shot.
It seems that all our IM’s , E-mails , and late night phone calls have built up a sexual tension between us … and now we’ve fallen head over heels for one another.
Frankie thinks my voice is very sexy, my kharma is soft, my legs are long … and besides he’s always secretly wanted to dick a guitar player balls deep.
Me ? I want him to wrap those construction worker meat hooks of his around me so tight and spin me on the dance floor like I’ve never been spun before … to twirl me around like he and only he knows how to twirl ... to cover me in Italian Olive Oil , then weep tears of joy !!!!
I’ll keep you updated
**********************************************
ESPN announcers are the worst … that’s common knowledge.
But now they’ve hit absolute rock bottom.
Bob Davie … How I would love to pummel him over and again with a large sock filled with horse manure.
This former Notre Dame coaching disgrace is a slow talking, irritating, boring, condescending, freaking sub moron.
And to his resume we can add that he’s a flaming fruitcake, too.
Back to not watching any games for me except Sunday Satellite Football.
**********************************************
Here are a few pearls from the late, great comedian , Rodney Dangerfield:
“ I was an ugly kid . When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”
“ My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks. “
“ A homeless man came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, “ Man, I wish I had your will power. “
“ I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
Ugly !! Four gay guys saw me and went straight.
Ugly !!! On Halloween, I opened the front door … kids gave me candy. “
This one’s my fave …
“ I loaned a girl $ 10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can’t find her. I don’t know what she looks like. “
“ My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. “
“ I live in a rough neighborhood. One night I was held up. This guy … he took my watch . He took my wallet . He took a little off the sides. But at least the mugger had class. He used an electric razor. Actually I blame myself. I shouldn’t have been standing right next to an outlet.”
“When I was a kid I got no respect. Once I was kidnapped. They sent my parents a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof. “
“ I tell ya one thing … my wife keeps me in line … no matter how many guys are ahead of me. “
“You know you’re getting old when at Christmas Time your insurance company sends you half a calendar. “
“ My wife and I checked into a hotel. I asked the bell hop to pick up my bag. He felt up my wife. I said : “ Who told you to do that ??? “ . He said : “ Everybody “
“ I’m tellin ya I’m ugly … While I was getting mugged the robber took off his mask and made me wear it “
Once I went for a vasectomy … the doc said “ With your face you don’t need one. “
My dog … last night he went on the paper 4 times ... while I was reading it. “
**********************************************
And Lastly …. My Christmas Wish For All of Us …
This morning I was in Hallmark when an old man slowly walked up to the salesperson asked her if she had any “ Christmas Cards that were not Religious “ . She just stood there not knowing what to say.
I felt sorry for the old timer , thinking that this viral, non religious holiday bullshit that's going around has now worked it’s way into confusing even the elderly.
“Politically Correct.“
I HATE THOSE WORDS
They're nothing more than cheap make – up, merely masking the animosity that exists among certain people and, sorrowfully , some are actually buying into it.
Don't be afraid to say to anyone the greeting of YOUR PARTICULAR HOLIDAY ... Don't hold back from sharing your warm and sincere feeling ... that's exactly what we are doing ... sharing. Anyone offended by this just doesn't get it.
So it's Merry Christmas to all of you because that's how I was raised and it's also what I still believe in my heart. And it doesn't mean for one second that I don't respect any of you who are of a different faith.
My wish is that none of us as individuals ever forgets who and what we are , our roots from where we came , and where we are headed. And please never allow anyone … ANYONE … to try to subvert our will , remold our thinking and our beliefs , and above all ... attempt to steal our most valuable treasure … our soul.
*********************************************
See you next week !
Love You
Neil
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