Tweet
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Every now and then one of my friends commits a half – assed attempt at killing himself … more of an attention seeking goof than anything else… been doing it for years … like the time he wet his nose and inserted it into a light bulb socket , or when he tried to bore himself to death by listening to a Jack Nicklaus instructional audio … even the time he hyped a play in Bettors’ Chat …
But this latest escapade of his is starting to cause concern.
Last Sunday he put on a Panthers uniform , donned a helmet , snuck into the Carolina locker room at halftime , sat next to Julius Peppers , and inhaled.
Now we’re worried … very worried.
*********************************************
When I was real young my parents decided to have my baby shoes bronzed.
They made me wear them during the process.
**********************************************
I remember the time my father and I were watching a movie when and a commercial came on the air about “Tampax “. At the time an actress named Brenda Vaccaro was the chief spokesperson for that particular product. So she went on for about a minute , then afterward my old man looked at me and said :
“I don’t like her !!! “
I said : “ Why not, Pop ? “
He came back with : “ Everything she says has a string attached. “
*********************************************
Have you seen the commercials hyping products for erectile dysfunction ? Sure you have . One of them features this pencil neck geek named “ Smiling Bob “ who was swinging a golf club with the world’s goofiest look on his face … yeah , like he’s gonna get laid, looking and acting the way he does …
I say that the commercial would be far more effective if they showed some tattooed stud in bed, pinning a woman’s legs back behind her ears like Bugs Fucking Bunny and Hammering Away on her like it was a conjugal prison visit …
Instead , we get this fairy tale:
forget the face for a second … the asshole needs a good slapping if for no other reason … the shirt and that necktie … Tragic !!
Anyway they go on to say that we should seek medical attention if an erection persists for more than 4 hours.
Oh Yeah …. with a 4-5-6 hour hard on , I'll make sure to go see some Doctor.
And, after that, the very next thing on my “to do” list is pay a visit to my guy over at Smith–Barney and beg him to stop making me money.
**********************************************
Should I marry W ?
Not unless she tells me the other letters in her name .
And her constant lying has me leery … like telling me she’s a career girl . Then I find out that her “ career “ is stuffing jelly into doughnuts over at Kraussmeyer’s Bakery . I always thought her hands were naturally white and smooth , like alabaster … it was the powdered sugar all along.
And then there was “ The Veal Parmigiana Incident “ … what was it doing in her pocket book ?
I’d better re – think the whole situation.
( Spark … that one was for you, Buddy )
*********************************************
I see that The Yankees are actively pursuing Nomar ( that’s short for “ NoMapleasedon’tmakemegotoschooltoday “ )
Why this heartless has – been ?
He nicks himself shaving then claims he's injured.
He’ll continue to find every excuse imaginable NOT to play.
Mark my words.
*********************************************
The other day I had lunch at one of my favorite restaurants.
I was really enjoying their veal with rosemary.
Then my wife walked in and kicked the crap out of her.
**********************************************
It sure is painful seeing the skills of the once great Brett Favre rapidly eroding in front of my very eyes, week by week. Sadder still is the prospect of Favre sticking around too much longer so as to cause total embarrassment. He’s spiraling downward … some blame the Packers Team but let’s face it … he’s just not nearly the same. More importantly , HE needs to face it.
While it’s extremely difficult to walk away from something one loves so much , every man must deal with it sooner or later. Hanging around , going through the motions day after day , collecting a fat check … is so … ummmm … how do I make this delicate? …. Cowardly … sorry but that’s exactly what it is.
It’s easy to see that Favre is guilty of being blinded by loving TOO DAMN MUCH what he does … he’s played with the exuberance and enthusiasm and passion of a young kid and God Bless him for that , but now Father Time is a knockin’ and gets very angry if we leave him waiting at the doorstep.
I hope Brett makes the right call.
*********************************************
I think we should all congratulate FrankieB who just recently signed a most lucrative 3 year contract with General Motors .
WAY TO GO FRANKIE !!!!!
He bought a Cadillac Escalade
*********************************************
When I was in college I remember one semester in particular in which I was loaded with some incredibly difficult courses … Organic Chemistry , Calculus , Physiology , and Comparative Anatomy.
So I needed a real easy one that I could ace with little or no effort.
I asked around and all my friends told me to take Health 101 with someone named Mr. Plonsky.
So I signed up, took the course, and when it was over I went to see him:
Cb: “ Hiya Plonsky , I’m here to discuss my grade … I just received your postcard in the mail “
Plonsky: “ What about it ? “
Cb: “ Well ,,,, frankly I’m a little disappointed “
Plonsky: “ Look ….. you never went to class, not even once, and after the 2nd week I figured out that you paid some imbecile to sign your name on the attendance sheet.
Cb: “What gave it away ? “
Plonsky: he spelled your name differently every day … Here’s a tip … next time you pull a stunt like that , don’t get a football player.“
Cb: “ I took a shot “
Plonsky: “ Furthermore , you blew off my midterm , you missed my make up midterm , you didn’t hand in the term paper and you never showed up for the final exam. “
Cb: “ yeah ,so ? “
Plonsky: “ SO ????? …. I’ll give you SOOOOOO … you picked up my wife at a mixer one night and got her drunk … she didn’t get home until 7 the next morning…. She kept muttering … eight times …. EIGHT TIMES .“
Cb: “ was that wrong ? “
Plonsky: “ Get the hell out of my office “
Cb: ( halfway out the door ) “ So Plonsky … about the grade … in light of the fact that it’s Christmas Time , and in the spirit of giving … any leeway here ? “
Plonsky: “ Nahhhhhh …. The B+ stands as is “
*********************************************
My favorite prank call … courtesy of The Jerky Boys
http://neilly.no-ip.org:8081/music/Chinese_Laundry.mp3
**********************************************
Woody Allen has always been one of my very favorite comedians , among other things. He recalled the time when as a student he was caught cheating on his Philosophy Final Exam …. he looked within the soul of the girl sitting next to him.
********************************************
Buddy of mine lives with his girlfriend … comes home earlier than usual from work one day … sees a strange car parked in front of his house . Walks through the door and hears noises from upstairs. Starts to get ideas …. Sees girlfriend tip -toeing down the stairs … Runs up right past her to see what’s goin on … looking all over now … goes into the bathroom and pulls back the shower curtain … sees a guy in there … asks the guy “what the fuck are you doing in my house ? “ …
The guy says .......
“ Voting ? “
******************************************
You know I was just kidding about Julius Peppers earlier . Actually if Carolina by some chance did advance to the Big Game, I’d be in line for a huge pay day. ( I can always hedge it down the line in the playoffs ) And … if they were to play Indianapolis and Peppers were to get any where near Peyton in that game , it will be Jim Sorgi time. And if it’s Jim Sorgi time , all of a sudden my 9/1 wager on The Panthers will be looking awfully good.
Lots of “ifs” I know … along with hopes and dreams … futures wagers are always loaded with possibilities and options. I guess that’s why they are my favorite bets .
Go Panthers
********************************************
When in High School I had dreams of becoming an Olympic Swimmer …
Only 1 thing stood in my way …
BUOYANCY
*********************************************
By now you must be good and sick of my childhood stories …
So one more won’t make much difference :
One day walking home from school ( 6th – 7th grade ) this big box fell off a truck. We ran and grabbed it and pried it open . Inside there was around 50 pounds of veal cutlets that were supposed to be delivered to some market.
Long story short … we ate good that week .
The bad news : we all got in hock up to our ears over a tremendous amount of breading.
( A little New York Humor …. Very little )
*********************************************
Vince Young , the side arm throwing , overrated Longhorn and the one who was wearing the rented suit during The Heisman Ceremony last Saturday , stated that he’s ready to step into Joe Namath’s Shoes and has guaranteed a victory over The USC Trojans in The Rose Bowl.
Vince , first you worry about leaving New York City in one piece. Then focus on not getting your ass kicked too badly in Pasadena.
*********************************************
You know I always have to laugh when I hear these people calling in to WFAN about their favorite teams , talking like they’re a part of that particular organization.
Like for instance Mike from Brooklyn :
“ Hey Guys this is Mike … long time listener … first time caller “.
( Right away from his opening cliché I know this guy’s gonna be good )
“ I’d like to talk about MY Giants … We need this game to make the playoffs … Philly beat us up last year and now we’re out for revenge” … I really look for us to come out of there with a victory “.
What’s up with this nonsense ?
Mike , there is no WE … no US
YOU sit there and watch THEM earn money every week and that’s that.
This is YOUR only connection with THEM.
Every team is a family ( granted , some families are more closely knit than others ) but YOU are an outsider , nothing more.
If YOU ever become employed by a team’s owner , then YOU can say “WE” or “US”
Do me a favor , Mike … Go ask Eli or Tiki or Amani to lend you $ 500 because you’re short on rent this month.
Know what, Pal ? Even money that THEY will have YOU arrested on the spot for harassment.
**********************************************
What could he possibly be saying that has anything remotely meaningful attached to it ?
Here also .
*********************************************
**********************************************
See you next week
Neil
____________________________
More than any other time in history,
The Detroit Lions are facing a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness.
The other, to total extinction.
Let us pray that Matt Millen has the wisdom to choose correctly.
The Detroit Lions are facing a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness.
The other, to total extinction.
Let us pray that Matt Millen has the wisdom to choose correctly.
____________________________
**********************************************
Every now and then one of my friends commits a half – assed attempt at killing himself … more of an attention seeking goof than anything else… been doing it for years … like the time he wet his nose and inserted it into a light bulb socket , or when he tried to bore himself to death by listening to a Jack Nicklaus instructional audio … even the time he hyped a play in Bettors’ Chat …
But this latest escapade of his is starting to cause concern.
Last Sunday he put on a Panthers uniform , donned a helmet , snuck into the Carolina locker room at halftime , sat next to Julius Peppers , and inhaled.
Now we’re worried … very worried.
*********************************************
When I was real young my parents decided to have my baby shoes bronzed.
They made me wear them during the process.
**********************************************
I remember the time my father and I were watching a movie when and a commercial came on the air about “Tampax “. At the time an actress named Brenda Vaccaro was the chief spokesperson for that particular product. So she went on for about a minute , then afterward my old man looked at me and said :
“I don’t like her !!! “
I said : “ Why not, Pop ? “
He came back with : “ Everything she says has a string attached. “
*********************************************
Have you seen the commercials hyping products for erectile dysfunction ? Sure you have . One of them features this pencil neck geek named “ Smiling Bob “ who was swinging a golf club with the world’s goofiest look on his face … yeah , like he’s gonna get laid, looking and acting the way he does …
I say that the commercial would be far more effective if they showed some tattooed stud in bed, pinning a woman’s legs back behind her ears like Bugs Fucking Bunny and Hammering Away on her like it was a conjugal prison visit …
Instead , we get this fairy tale:
forget the face for a second … the asshole needs a good slapping if for no other reason … the shirt and that necktie … Tragic !!
Anyway they go on to say that we should seek medical attention if an erection persists for more than 4 hours.
Oh Yeah …. with a 4-5-6 hour hard on , I'll make sure to go see some Doctor.
And, after that, the very next thing on my “to do” list is pay a visit to my guy over at Smith–Barney and beg him to stop making me money.
**********************************************
Should I marry W ?
Not unless she tells me the other letters in her name .
And her constant lying has me leery … like telling me she’s a career girl . Then I find out that her “ career “ is stuffing jelly into doughnuts over at Kraussmeyer’s Bakery . I always thought her hands were naturally white and smooth , like alabaster … it was the powdered sugar all along.
And then there was “ The Veal Parmigiana Incident “ … what was it doing in her pocket book ?
I’d better re – think the whole situation.
( Spark … that one was for you, Buddy )
*********************************************
I see that The Yankees are actively pursuing Nomar ( that’s short for “ NoMapleasedon’tmakemegotoschooltoday “ )
Why this heartless has – been ?
He nicks himself shaving then claims he's injured.
He’ll continue to find every excuse imaginable NOT to play.
Mark my words.
*********************************************
The other day I had lunch at one of my favorite restaurants.
I was really enjoying their veal with rosemary.
Then my wife walked in and kicked the crap out of her.
**********************************************
It sure is painful seeing the skills of the once great Brett Favre rapidly eroding in front of my very eyes, week by week. Sadder still is the prospect of Favre sticking around too much longer so as to cause total embarrassment. He’s spiraling downward … some blame the Packers Team but let’s face it … he’s just not nearly the same. More importantly , HE needs to face it.
While it’s extremely difficult to walk away from something one loves so much , every man must deal with it sooner or later. Hanging around , going through the motions day after day , collecting a fat check … is so … ummmm … how do I make this delicate? …. Cowardly … sorry but that’s exactly what it is.
It’s easy to see that Favre is guilty of being blinded by loving TOO DAMN MUCH what he does … he’s played with the exuberance and enthusiasm and passion of a young kid and God Bless him for that , but now Father Time is a knockin’ and gets very angry if we leave him waiting at the doorstep.
I hope Brett makes the right call.
*********************************************
I think we should all congratulate FrankieB who just recently signed a most lucrative 3 year contract with General Motors .
WAY TO GO FRANKIE !!!!!
He bought a Cadillac Escalade
*********************************************
When I was in college I remember one semester in particular in which I was loaded with some incredibly difficult courses … Organic Chemistry , Calculus , Physiology , and Comparative Anatomy.
So I needed a real easy one that I could ace with little or no effort.
I asked around and all my friends told me to take Health 101 with someone named Mr. Plonsky.
So I signed up, took the course, and when it was over I went to see him:
Cb: “ Hiya Plonsky , I’m here to discuss my grade … I just received your postcard in the mail “
Plonsky: “ What about it ? “
Cb: “ Well ,,,, frankly I’m a little disappointed “
Plonsky: “ Look ….. you never went to class, not even once, and after the 2nd week I figured out that you paid some imbecile to sign your name on the attendance sheet.
Cb: “What gave it away ? “
Plonsky: he spelled your name differently every day … Here’s a tip … next time you pull a stunt like that , don’t get a football player.“
Cb: “ I took a shot “
Plonsky: “ Furthermore , you blew off my midterm , you missed my make up midterm , you didn’t hand in the term paper and you never showed up for the final exam. “
Cb: “ yeah ,so ? “
Plonsky: “ SO ????? …. I’ll give you SOOOOOO … you picked up my wife at a mixer one night and got her drunk … she didn’t get home until 7 the next morning…. She kept muttering … eight times …. EIGHT TIMES .“
Cb: “ was that wrong ? “
Plonsky: “ Get the hell out of my office “
Cb: ( halfway out the door ) “ So Plonsky … about the grade … in light of the fact that it’s Christmas Time , and in the spirit of giving … any leeway here ? “
Plonsky: “ Nahhhhhh …. The B+ stands as is “
*********************************************
My favorite prank call … courtesy of The Jerky Boys
http://neilly.no-ip.org:8081/music/Chinese_Laundry.mp3
**********************************************
Woody Allen has always been one of my very favorite comedians , among other things. He recalled the time when as a student he was caught cheating on his Philosophy Final Exam …. he looked within the soul of the girl sitting next to him.
********************************************
Buddy of mine lives with his girlfriend … comes home earlier than usual from work one day … sees a strange car parked in front of his house . Walks through the door and hears noises from upstairs. Starts to get ideas …. Sees girlfriend tip -toeing down the stairs … Runs up right past her to see what’s goin on … looking all over now … goes into the bathroom and pulls back the shower curtain … sees a guy in there … asks the guy “what the fuck are you doing in my house ? “ …
The guy says .......
“ Voting ? “
******************************************
You know I was just kidding about Julius Peppers earlier . Actually if Carolina by some chance did advance to the Big Game, I’d be in line for a huge pay day. ( I can always hedge it down the line in the playoffs ) And … if they were to play Indianapolis and Peppers were to get any where near Peyton in that game , it will be Jim Sorgi time. And if it’s Jim Sorgi time , all of a sudden my 9/1 wager on The Panthers will be looking awfully good.
Lots of “ifs” I know … along with hopes and dreams … futures wagers are always loaded with possibilities and options. I guess that’s why they are my favorite bets .
Go Panthers
********************************************
When in High School I had dreams of becoming an Olympic Swimmer …
Only 1 thing stood in my way …
BUOYANCY
*********************************************
By now you must be good and sick of my childhood stories …
So one more won’t make much difference :
One day walking home from school ( 6th – 7th grade ) this big box fell off a truck. We ran and grabbed it and pried it open . Inside there was around 50 pounds of veal cutlets that were supposed to be delivered to some market.
Long story short … we ate good that week .
The bad news : we all got in hock up to our ears over a tremendous amount of breading.
( A little New York Humor …. Very little )
*********************************************
Vince Young , the side arm throwing , overrated Longhorn and the one who was wearing the rented suit during The Heisman Ceremony last Saturday , stated that he’s ready to step into Joe Namath’s Shoes and has guaranteed a victory over The USC Trojans in The Rose Bowl.
Vince , first you worry about leaving New York City in one piece. Then focus on not getting your ass kicked too badly in Pasadena.
*********************************************
You know I always have to laugh when I hear these people calling in to WFAN about their favorite teams , talking like they’re a part of that particular organization.
Like for instance Mike from Brooklyn :
“ Hey Guys this is Mike … long time listener … first time caller “.
( Right away from his opening cliché I know this guy’s gonna be good )
“ I’d like to talk about MY Giants … We need this game to make the playoffs … Philly beat us up last year and now we’re out for revenge” … I really look for us to come out of there with a victory “.
What’s up with this nonsense ?
Mike , there is no WE … no US
YOU sit there and watch THEM earn money every week and that’s that.
This is YOUR only connection with THEM.
Every team is a family ( granted , some families are more closely knit than others ) but YOU are an outsider , nothing more.
If YOU ever become employed by a team’s owner , then YOU can say “WE” or “US”
Do me a favor , Mike … Go ask Eli or Tiki or Amani to lend you $ 500 because you’re short on rent this month.
Know what, Pal ? Even money that THEY will have YOU arrested on the spot for harassment.
**********************************************
What could he possibly be saying that has anything remotely meaningful attached to it ?
Here also .
*********************************************
**********************************************
See you next week
Neil
,,, 
U-C-O-N-N = Uconn! Uconn! Uconn!
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