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Shooting From The Hip ... A Special Double Issue Including Tunes and A One Act Play

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  • Shooting From The Hip ... A Special Double Issue Including Tunes and A One Act Play

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    Shooting From The Hip : Devoted to Busting the Balls of Gross Underachievers and Down Right Incompetence in the World of Sports …with other random thoughts thrown in too .





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    “He Who Laughs Last … “

    Last Sunday … St. Louis at Houston …. So there we were , sitting anxiously on 44 … ( 27 – 17 , Texans ) with a Top Play on Over 45 and less than 0:30 remaining to be played , and 4th and 10 for the Rams at the Houston 43 … with a Harvard Grad named Fitzpatrick at QB …. It sure looked like a rare disappointing loss for us … and then it happened . The camera zoomed in on David Carr laughing like an idiot while strutting along the sidelines … demonstrating to his teammates that in his judjment , the game was in the bag . That’s all I had to see !!! I jumped up out of my seat and yelled : “It’s all ours , baby … just watch !!!! “ … Next play … BOOM !!! … TOUCHDOWN !!!! We hit the OVER … there were friends watching with me who thought I was some kind of psychic nut case … it was sooo cool … then when I said The Rams were going to win the whole game … they just stood there with “Yeah Yeah , Don’t Press Your Luck, Pal“ faces … Having little or no money on either side I normally would switch out of that game but we decided to sit back and have a few more laughs …. and you know the rest …. It was tooo freaking hysterical.

    Better still .... they bought dinner.



    Now are you starting to realize why I use this Double Helping of Fresh California Fruit Salad as my Speed Bag every week in “ Hip “ ?







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    I see that Jose ( “ What’s The Use of Kicking ? “ ) Cortez was Federally Expressed back to San Francisco by The Eagles. ( the shipping charge was next to nothing for such a small package ) … so what exactly do these 2 teams have going on ? … some kind of Idiots Exchange Program ? I can just picture the negotiations between the Directors of Player Personnel:

    Eagles : “ I got a Useless Clubfoot … you interested ? “

    49’ers : “ Yeah … Sure … Why not ? … We take all the tired , the poor and the huddled ASSES … you know that “.

    Eagles : “ Good … We’ll ship him on over in good faith but in return we’ll looking for a mouth breather and a bed wetter “

    49’ers : “ Sounds good … how bout ( Cody ) Pickett ? … he’s both “

    Eagles: “I’ll have to get back to you on that … We already have Mc Mahon …. And , as a kicker , we will also require a player to be named later “

    49’ers : “ No Problemo “



    I'll lay 2-1 that the player to be named later will probably be Jose Cortez , but as we all know , this cat ain’t no kicker.




    By The Way , CBS Sportsline’s latest recommendation for Fantasy Football Participants reads like this :



    Fantasy Analysis
    ( Jose ) Cortez could be released by the team ( San Francisco ) in the near future, so don't use him in weeks ahead. (Updated 11/27/2005).






    Duhhhhhhhhhh !







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    Jackoff of The Decade ….

    Matt Millen



    After spending 11 years in the NFL this condescending dunce was actually hired away from the broadcast booth to become Detroit's GM, where he's made one ridiculous decision after another. In fact , he stunk in the booth too … had all the charisma of a groin pull . I guess that qualified him for the position of Lions President and CEO where he has guided his team to a crowd pleasing 20-55 mark over the past 5 years . Millen has been investigated for breaching the league's minority-hiring policy, verbally abusing a Lions player, dissing Kansas City wide out Johnnie Morton with gay epithets after a game, and transporting a baby kangaroo across the State Line for immoral purposes.


    It's time for this bozo to be thrown out on his fat ass, never to be heard from again… wouldn’t you agree ?


    Last week he fired The Head Cheerleader and replaced him with Bears reject Dick Jauron . Mariucci is awful but this decision can’t be good … Why ? … because everything Millen touches invariably turns into excrement. In all fairness , “Mooch“ inherited a tomato can for a quarterback who played for a great offensive minded coach at Oregon U. and should have never been drafted to begin with.

    Millen is an incredibly colossal flunkie who has single – handedly taken down the now Dysfunctional Detroit Lions . How this tub of crap ever weaseled his way into a position of such authority is beyond my scope of comprehension.

    You lard-assed has-been of a no-talent GM , get the hell out of the owner's box and off our TV’s … permanently.

    And what about the poor bastard who replaces him ? It will take 1000 sleepless nights and 3000 migranes to rebuild what this Jabroni has torn into shreads.









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    In recent weeks , Money Line Plays have pulled in nice big fat prices for us with Minnesota over The Giants , Baltimore over Pittsburgh , and Miami over Oakland

    This week I’m considering a number of shocker candidates including Buffalo , Houston ( Yes, Houston ) , Cleveland ( the weather will be an all important determining factor ) , Dallas , and Green Bay.

    I can make a case for all 5 but we’ll just have to see how things pan out come Sunday morning.






    **********************************************





    I suffer for my music

    And now it’s your turn


    http://neilly.no-ip.org:8081/music/N...ds_of_Love.mp3


    http://neilly.no-ip.org:8081/music/N...-_Searchin.mp3


    http://neilly.no-ip.org:8081/music/N..._One_World.mp3







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    Emily Dickinson, the 19th century Poet , once wrote :

    “ Hope is the thing with feathers “

    Emily was mistaken … the thing with feathers has turned out to be Joey Harrington. He needs to fly to Zurich for a complete physical.






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    I’ve been down with a cold this week accompanied by a touch of the flu … and it started me thinking some crazy thoughts … like Man and his relationship with the Earth … and how he always seems to wind up 6 feet under it … Death … there’s an upside to dying … just think of it as an effective way of cutting down on expenses …. Still … I’m fearful … what is it about death that makes me most afraid ? ….

    Probably the hours.




    So I snap out of it and try to think happier thoughts … The Cistine Chapel … the hilarity in viewing a Marx Brothers Film … the look in Earl's ( My Golden Retriever ) Eyes which tells me I’m his bestest friend in the world …. the stacks of hundreds thrown on my dash by some asshole too stupid enough not to lay off my bet on the double digit dog that I played on the Money Line … Andrea Bocelli singing " Per Amore " at The Met in NYC .... the Veal Scallopini Sorrentino at Angelo’s with those golden potato puffs on the side …. My God they are to die for ! …. DIE ? ….. Shit !!!! …. Here I go again ! …. Dammmmmmmm .





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    Switching to NCAA Football …. Please don’t get hoodwinked into believing that Longhorn QB Vince Young will be an NFL “ Star “ someday . That’s a bunch of steaming , smoking , stinking , ESPN/ABC - Hype Type B.S.


    Matt Leinart is an NFL Quarterback …

    Paul Pinegar ( Fresno St. ) is ( to a lesser extent ) an NFL QB …

    Reggie Bush and LenDale White are world class NFL Running Backs…

    Vince Young is an NFL Running Back … but 2nd string

    Marcus Vick is a Running Back … for The Saskatchewan Roughriders.


    Back to Vince … he’s not very good but some NFL Team Scout with a bad eye for talent and a yearning to overspend some Schmuck's dough will fall for him … happens all too frequently … The NFL has too many imposters as it is.

    Short Term : If it all comes down to USC vs. Texas , Pete Carroll and his Trojans will make an example out of The Horns and expose ALL of Vince Young’s shortcomings … we saw only a few last Friday vs. Texas A&M .

    Long Term: We are going to make lots of green with this Pork Chop but it will first take a few years … that’s OK … we have time. He’s seems like a Simpleton and a Creature of Habit … and once we get a real good fix on this fellow’s tendencies … BOMBS AWAY !!!!





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    This may be the nasal spray talking but I still love The Carolina Panthers for SuperBowl 40 … as much as ever.

    Listen to the Whispers before you hear the Roars





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    The Vikes are now 4-0 Straight Up and Against The Spread with Brad Johnson at QB

    ( I know you knew that …. I just wanted to gloat …. LOL )





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    Let’s make a Deal …


    It’s always the same 2-3 guys who keep screwing up so badly every week that they’ve made it extremely easy for me to nail their sorry asses …. It’s getting played out already, I know that …. So here’s the deal … Next week I won’t torch my usual Pigeons … I promise … BUT you must meet me half - way … root like hell for Houston , Detroit , San Francisco (to kick lots of field goals) , and The Colorado Buffalos.







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    And in closing … A ONE ACT PLAY



    Cb: GOD ???????

    God: Yes , My Son

    Cb: GOD ? …. Is that really you ?

    God: Yes , Neil

    Cb: Why are you here ?

    God: I came to visit

    Cb : But why ?

    God: Why not ? … You visit me

    Cb: Yeah , but when I do, I drive … ummmm …. Is something wrong ?

    God: Not at the moment .

    Cb: I’m speechless

    God: That’s a first !!!

    Cb: I don’t believe you’re here

    God: Probably the worst choice of words anyone could ever say to me … care to re-phrase ?

    Cb: My friends always said that it would take nothing less than an Act of God to shut me up , but I never knew it would be this . Care for a beverage?

    God: Nahhhh … it would only pass right through me … got any Chinese ?

    Cb: No … sorry … but we can order in .

    God: It’s OK … can’t stay too long … have a bomb scare in London.

    Cb: Gool Luck with that.

    God: Thanks , but this one’s easy … just some Frat Kids going through Initiation

    Ch: But you look so different than I ever imagined … I mean SO YOUNG !!!

    God: ( looks in mirror on wall ) Oh you like it ? … he made my nose a little too pointy for my taste … but all in all I’m Well Pleased

    Cb: HUH ?

    God: What ? Plastic Surgeons can’t go to heaven ?

    Cb: Not with the prices they charge

    God: Hey you get what you pay for …. Really I have only 2 up there at present.

    Cb: Why Two ?

    God: Am I not entitled to a Second Opinion ?

    Cb: Father … Why you in my bedroom ?

    God: Peter has told me that you’ve been praying a lot more than usual over the last few days

    Cb: Yes I have … you are not misinformed.

    God: And you have been making unusual requests

    Cb: Unusual ?

    God: Most gamblers pray for winners all the time … a back door cover this … a missed free throw that … grand slam homer in the bottom of the 9th … it’s boring me already . Yours is interesting though … let me understand fully … You do not want to go 8-0 this coming Sunday ? Is that correct ?

    Cb: Yes , Father , I don’t want to sweep the board.

    God: Why? … afraid of success ?

    Cb: Nahhh , nothing like that … fear of being banned … it’s a long and complicated misunderstanding … and you do have that bombing to suppress. Perhaps some day when you have more time.

    God: Well , to ease your weary mind , I know the games you are going to post and I can assure you there will be no sweep.

    Cb: You can ? Oh ... Thank you Father

    God : Sure I can …. After all … I’m God … besides, you have to be out of your Gaahhhhddd …. Ummmm …. Strike that … You’re NUTS to take Houston and 8

    Cb: But Father …. EIGHT POINTS !!!!!!!

    God: Have you seen their Quarterback ?

    Cb: Yes … Tragic …. But ……. EIGHT POINTS !!!!!!!

    God: Not enough … Anyway, my work is done here … See ya

    Cb: Please wait one more minute … I have a question.

    God: Yes, Son ?

    Cb: Being a gambler … have I lost all hope of ever being with you … you know … like … Forever ?

    God: No , Son … you’ll be just fine.

    Cb: Whew …. Thank Gaaaaaa … ummmm …. Thank you Father.

    God: Jeezzzze, look at the time … gotta go … see ya .

    Cb: But wait !!!!

    God: What now ? I’ve told you enough already , wouldn’t you say ?

    Cb: Please … just one more thing

    God: What ?

    Cb: My friends in Bettors Chat … will they go to heaven too ?

    God: Neilly …. The Handicappers will join me in Heaven and The Lurkers will remain in Purgatory until they become Handicappers.

    Cb: And The Scammers ?

    God: Well I would say they are already in Hell … wouldn’t you agree ?

    Cb : Yes Father

    God: Take Care

    Cb: Father ???

    God: What ….. WHAT !!!!!!!

    Cb: My Friends Frank and Karl ?

    God: What about them ?

    Cd: Will they be with me some day ?

    God: This is rather difficult for me Neil … but I must say … only ONE

    Cd: Oh No … which one ?

    God: Frank

    Cd: ( Sobbing uncontrollably on his knees ) But … but … Why not Karl ? … he’s so decent and fair … a great soul .

    God: Karl only THINKS he’s a handicapper … See YA

    Cb: When ?

    God: When it's your time.




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    Please Note :

    This play was written before I was straightened out as to exactly whom I’ve been defending lately in the forums. I honestly never knew until now. I was wrong . Had I known , I probably would have BEATEN THE CRAP OUT OF HIM ... AGAIN ... and given us all a good laugh or two at the expense of that Rat Bastard.

    I would never sell out to anyone who is looking to harm my friends … that’s in and out of Bettors Chat.

    I posted the piece anyway because I thought it was cute and didn’t want it to go to unseen.

    I apologize to Monte , Our Mods , and You Fellow Members .

    Thanks Frankie

    Thanks Karl

    -Neilly

  • #2
    You can't DIE until you come to Chicago, pick up your boy
    SPARK, and come taste my mom's braciole !!! With home made
    Tagliatelle a L'Uovo......Got It ???!!!! OH....and a couple, two or tree bottles of my dad's Red Zinfandel.....
    See the World, Before You Leave It !!!

    Comment


    • #3
      Excellent as usual. I now look for this on Thursdays. Keep em coming Neil.
      Questions, comments, complaints:
      [email protected]

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks Neil.Like yours and Jon"s music.You should put out a CD

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by VinnieB
          You can't DIE until you come to Chicago, pick up your boy
          SPARK, and come taste my mom's braciole !!! With home made
          Tagliatelle a L'Uovo......Got It ???!!!! OH....and a couple, two or tree bottles of my dad's Red Zinfandel.....

          I am in paisan ... You would not have to call me twice ... hahahaha Thanks Vinnie



          Neil, Welcome back buddy ..We are in this together ... We have been doing this for an awful long time .. You know what you mean to this forum ... You are a great capper and Friend to all of us here at BC ...Thanks pal ... and good luck

          Comment


          • #6
            haha! That is great! Thanks for helping me pass the time in my windowless cube!
            Control what you can control...

            Comment


            • #7
              Spark, what part of the city are you in?
              You a Paesano, too ???
              See the World, Before You Leave It !!!

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks Guys

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by VinnieB
                  Spark, what part of the city are you in?
                  You a Paesano, too ???
                  close but he sure would love to passino that stone in his kidneys
                  rjeremy for my accounts manager/i love how he keeps numbers

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    gl coverboy i will keep a watch out for us buddy
                    rjeremy for my accounts manager/i love how he keeps numbers

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I had a damn kidney stone last year in December of 2004...
                      It was a Monday Night, Dallas Cowboys won I believe...
                      Went to the hospital after the game, passed that BOULDER
                      4 hours later.......AAAHHHHH Morphine Drip...They should bottle that stuff !!! LOL
                      Never want to go through that again, though.
                      See the World, Before You Leave It !!!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by VinnieB
                        SPARK, and come taste my mom's braciole
                        I love my mom's braciole. Mmmmmmmmm

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by VinnieB
                          I had a damn kidney stone last year in December of 2004...
                          It was a Monday Night, Dallas Cowboys won I believe...
                          Went to the hospital after the game, passed that BOULDER
                          4 hours later.......AAAHHHHH Morphine Drip...They should bottle that stuff !!! LOL
                          Never want to go through that again, though.
                          Vinnie, only people that had them can describe the pain .. Am i correct??? I happen to grow the type that have little spurs on them and that is why it takes months for me to pass them or they have to remove them for me .. Not fun ...

                          I do not spell Italian very well (ask Neil) hahahaha

                          but I will give it a shot .. Calabrese

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Frank, did you see my question in your other thread, about Mario's restaurant in Ormond Beach?
                            See the World, Before You Leave It !!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by SPARK
                              Vinnie, only people that had them can describe the pain .. Am i correct??? I happen to grow the type that have little spurs on them and that is why it takes months for me to pass them or they have to remove them for me .. Not fun ...

                              I do not spell Italian very well (ask Neil) hahahaha

                              but I will give it a shot .. Calabrese
                              Spark, then your stones aren't calcium, right? They're the Uric Acid kind if I'm not mistaken...

                              And, NO, nobody can describe the pain unless they've gone through it...
                              See the World, Before You Leave It !!!

                              Comment

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