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There’s a lot of ground to cover this week but before I get going I have to do some quick arithmetic …
Let’s see … the number of players on an NFL roster … 60 – 65 … make it 60 … ummmm … the average weight of each player … let’s call it 250 pounds …
now then .... 250 x 60 = 15000
OK … I’m ready to start today’s Hip
If Domanic Davis carries a sack filled with 7 ½ Tons of Crap on his shoulders each and every Sunday for 3 hours , how many games into this season will it take for him to fall flat on his ass and quit the Texans ?
I was up half the night trying to mathematically figure a legit answer to the above and even went so far as to use quadratic equations when it occurred to me that I should just call him and ask. So I did .
Ring …. Ring … Ring
DD: “ SPEAK !!! “
CB: “ Hey Double D, it’s me “
DD: “ Ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Beeeeeeeeeeeeeee Howz it going, my major dude ? … “
CB: “ Smokin’ , Strokin’ , Glowin’ like a Champ “
DD: “ Sheeeeeiiiiitttttttt …. What it is , man …. What it look like “
CB : “ I’t is what it is what it look like, bro … I got a Q that only you can answer “
DD : “ Uh Huh … lay it on me “
CB: “ Your Biz Niz man … he be enlightenin’ you bout free agency ? “
DD : “ Sheeeitttt , not a word … but my homies be preachin’ on that … layin‘ out the truth … seems I’m gots to fire his honkie ass real quick “
CB: “You should , Double D …. The way them coaches got you bustin’ buns this year … well … it just ain’t gentlemanly … feelin me ? “
DD : “ I’m feelin ‘ ya , Blood … and that priddy boy Cracker QB be takin’ all the air time … getting all the ACK - O – LADES and the Cash and Whatnot … while I’m doin’ all The Men’s Work … just ain’t right CB … it’s just ain’t right “
CB: “ Word …. The Cracker be throwin like a Woman …. Ever feel like goin upside his face ? “
DD: “ All a time , Blood … All a time … I needs to take a 2 by 4 to his skinny white ass and make him cry like a little bitch … He do be throwin like a Panhandle Ho . ”
CB: “ Got a idea , Double D … next time he hands you off when it’s 3rd and 14 instead of throwin to one of his fat –ass wide outs … make it like the play is busted and knock him on his ass “
DD: “ not bad … not bad … but I wuz thinkin bout Stealin his Rolls “
CB: “ Do both “
DD: “ Sheeittttt …. See that why we tight … you always gots the plan . “
CB: “ Got that right … hey The Jags comes in on December 24 th … wuz thinkin you be givin the owners a little somethin somethin … you know …for Kwanzaa “
DD: “ Acey Deucy Blood … Acey Deucy … ummmmm … wait up … what you be talkin bout ? “
CB: “ Quit Out on their sorry asses just before that game “
DD: “ I Dunno …then they be cheatin‘ my check … can’t have that … gots a wife , 6 keeeiiids , and a Shetland Pony “
CB : “ Well … think about it … You like Tampa ? Gotz Lotta Ho’s in Tampa … Alstott’s getting elderly … you’ll be carryin 10 times a game … 12 tops … how many you do now ? “
DD: “ Too many …. I dunno 30 … 40 “
CB: “ MEEN – KYA … 40 ? “
DD: “ What’s Min ka ? “
CB: “ It’s A Talian … a espression of surprise … but it really means the Tip on one’s Johnson “
DD: “ I gots a big Meen – Kya “
CB: “ The Pretty Boy Don’t “
DD: “ Word … I sees him in the shower … Short changed Our Lord and Savior “
CB: “ So … See ??? …they be playin you like some kinda farm animal … in 2-3 years you be walkin’ round like Ironsides “
DD : “ Who ? “
CB: “ That Cat in a Wheelchair … he be chasin’ Krimnals by Rollin’ around “
DD: “ Sheeeiiitttttt … I gots lotta thinkin ta do … “
CB: “ Yup … but you be ahhhh ight … just don’t be played , Playah “
DD: “ Be callin you nest week … hang loose “
CB: “ Right “
********************************************
Woke up last Monday from a crazy dream which had The San Francisco 49’ers with the ball on the 50 yard line … and for some strange reason the other team left the field … The Umpire blew the whistle and told SF to resume the game anyway …. Seventeen Plays Later San Fran had to settle for a Field Goal.
*********************************************
Jose Cortez is after me … he was insulted after reading my stuff about him in last week’s Hip … ( only the part where I called him “ Clubfoot “ … he didn’t understand the rest ) … and he threatened to kick a football up my ass . So I told him we could meet at Lincoln Financial Field , Home of The Eagles, at High Noon on Wednesday … I got there a half hour early before him , shimmied my way up one of the Padded Goal Posts , and stood exactly in the middle of the 2 uprights with my back facing him … standing there and Mooning Him while calling him a “Maricon “ , which is Spanish for “ Fruitcake “ . Well I’m still up here typing this on my lap top while this Dunce continues kicking footballs at me one after the other … As yet he hasn’t even come within 30 yards of my ass. Pretty soon he’ll get tired and walk away .
**********************************************
Last Monday Night , Coach Parcells played Donovan Mc Nabb for a Pigeon.
**********************************************
Saw some of The Vikes - Giants game last Sunday … great win on the Money Line for us … so I guess I’ll go easy on Coach Tice for once … After the game, Tice said that he had wanted to be explosive , especially with the Special Teams. When asked to comment , Daunte ( "The Eskimo " ) Culpepper replied with : “ EZZPLOZIVE ??? … SHEEEEEEEEEIIIIITTTTTT …. The only thing ezzplozive around here is the that Honkie Coach’s Shorts “ … Daunte has a certain way of EZZPRESSIN HISSEFF which reminds me of Ernest Hemingway … wouldn’t you agree ?
BTW …. I heard that Mike got his legs taken out on the sidelines at the end of a play by a punt return man, and his brother who was standing right next to him didn’t even offer any assistance … … maybe I’ve been picking on the wrong Tice.
**********************************************
Earlier this week Wayne posed the question as to whether or not The Colts will go undefeated this season. To do so , they will need to exert maximum energy each and every week . If they get it up sky high for every game they just might not have enough in the tank for The Playoffs. Sooner or later Tony Dungy will have to make that decision … to rest certain players or not will be problematic, and that’s only one of the challenges facing him. As it is … in the past his playoff strategies have been questionable at best … yup … the challenge of going undefeated will only serve to complicate matters … Whether or not they do it ? … I don’t know … probably not … with 7 games left they play 5 half -way decent teams … Either way , it sure will be interesting how this will all play out. Carolina and Indy would sure make for an exciting Super Bowl Matchup … But I’m not so sure that it’s in The Colts’ Best Interests To Go Undefeated.
**********************************************
In case you didn’t see him last Sunday , Joey Fruitcake tried to con everyone into thinking he is capable of growing a beard … his feeble –ass plan backfired however when 2 minutes into the game he was sweating profusely and the INK started to drip down his chin and onto his jersey.
Joey , Joey , Joey … even in winning , you are a Nancy Boy of Immeasurable Proportions .
**********************************************
The Colts permitted The Texans to slip under the number last Sunday … and I’ll say no more .
**********************************************
I was fooled with his pasty complexion … thought he might be a Fancy Boy … and I was mistaken …. Chris Simms played his ass off last Sunday … he’s a tough kid who hangs in there and isn’t afraid to take a trimming …. plays with fire in his gut … and I think he’s going to be a very , very good QB, just like his old man … in all fairness , we must give him around 2 more years … Way to Go , Chris !!!
A side point .....
How come all the Whities on The Bucs are so pale faced ? … after all they are Florida Athletes … even Coach Chuckie … what do they do all week ? … shoot pool ? … They really should start hanging around with Danny Marino … now HE’S Got The Look !
**********************************************
When I was born , Some Hot Shot Obstetrician smacked me in the ass …. 50 years later, I’m still lookin’ for that Bastard .
*********************************************
Will the Real Michael Vick please stand up ? … another clunker last Sunday … he’s had some colossal ones in his short career … you never know on any given Sunday whether he’s going to play his heart out or go in the toilet head first … when he’s ON he can be very exciting, but damn when he’s not , he’s Suspiciously Pitiful … No kidding … he really looks like he’s cooking some games ATS … Let’s be real, ok ? … Vick is a glorified running back who maneuvered his way to quarterback because there’s more bucks in it for him. His brother too … another running back that ESPN is over - hyping as a Signal Caller … Miami of Florida exposed his many shortcomings a few weeks ago ; one being a ticker problem … Want to know why we have the worst QB’s in NFL history this year ? … They are overhyped in college by the likes of ESPN , and the scouts are buying into it. Michael Vick is certainly an NFL caliber player, but he’s not a Quarterback … and his younger brother is nothing but a Toronto Argonaut.
**********************************************
Random thoughts about other sports …..
NBA:
Seems to me Larry Brown owns only 1 suit , a black Armani …. (It’s a classic, but his tailor needs to pay more attention to detail ) ….
OR
Larry Brown owns 20 suits , all the same color ….
OR
Larry Brown broke into Pat Riley’s home and boosted his wardrobe .
MLB:
We all have our moods but have you ever seen anyone with a bigger bug up his ass than Jeff Bagwell ? … and not only that … the same bug has been malingering up the same ass -crack for 15 years. Hey , Fot Face , you really should smile once in a while … after all , if it weren’t for Our National Pastime you might still be washing cars or bustin’ suds as some dishwasher at a country club … When you pack it in your Baseball Epitaph should read : “ Jeff ( “Sour Puss” ) Bagwell … No rings on my fingers, but Thank God, no dish pan hands either “.
PS … I can’t believe I’m even bringing this up, BUT … and it’s a Long , Longshot …. If Fot Face EVER gets EVEN NOMINATED to be voted into the Hall of Fame … that will be a sad , sad , sorry day for baseball .
I'm praying that Fot Face reads this and decides to come after me with a bat ... I'll be as much untouchable as I am with "Clubfoot "
NCAA Football :
I’ve already bit on Fresno State with the 24 this Saturday at USC … I’ve done this knowing full and well 2 things :
1) There is no other college football team more gutsy and courageous than The Bulldogs , led by their very fine coach , Pat Hill . I like their quarterback ( Paul Pinegar ) A LOT …. Year after year they travel anywhere and everywhere to play the nation’s top teams while most other schools don’t have the Sack to play tough , out of conference opponents, on the road …. I’m expecting Fresno to go ALL OUT BALLS UP for 60 minutes and keep this game excitingly close.
So what’s the 2nd thing ? …. It’s the coin’s flipside … that I’ll be ATS Happy for the 1st quarter … then after that , USC kicks the living crap out of them and makes me The Linemaker’s Bitch .
**********************************************
Finally ….. and please forgive my language in advance ….
I have read Major League Baseball’s latest Policy regarding the penalties for amped – up body chemistry …. and it is a FUCKING JOKE .
**********************************************
See ya Saturday with College picks and Sunday with The Pros.
-Neil
Let’s see … the number of players on an NFL roster … 60 – 65 … make it 60 … ummmm … the average weight of each player … let’s call it 250 pounds …
now then .... 250 x 60 = 15000
OK … I’m ready to start today’s Hip
If Domanic Davis carries a sack filled with 7 ½ Tons of Crap on his shoulders each and every Sunday for 3 hours , how many games into this season will it take for him to fall flat on his ass and quit the Texans ?
I was up half the night trying to mathematically figure a legit answer to the above and even went so far as to use quadratic equations when it occurred to me that I should just call him and ask. So I did .
Ring …. Ring … Ring
DD: “ SPEAK !!! “
CB: “ Hey Double D, it’s me “
DD: “ Ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Beeeeeeeeeeeeeee Howz it going, my major dude ? … “
CB: “ Smokin’ , Strokin’ , Glowin’ like a Champ “
DD: “ Sheeeeeiiiiitttttttt …. What it is , man …. What it look like “
CB : “ I’t is what it is what it look like, bro … I got a Q that only you can answer “
DD : “ Uh Huh … lay it on me “
CB: “ Your Biz Niz man … he be enlightenin’ you bout free agency ? “
DD : “ Sheeeitttt , not a word … but my homies be preachin’ on that … layin‘ out the truth … seems I’m gots to fire his honkie ass real quick “
CB: “You should , Double D …. The way them coaches got you bustin’ buns this year … well … it just ain’t gentlemanly … feelin me ? “
DD : “ I’m feelin ‘ ya , Blood … and that priddy boy Cracker QB be takin’ all the air time … getting all the ACK - O – LADES and the Cash and Whatnot … while I’m doin’ all The Men’s Work … just ain’t right CB … it’s just ain’t right “
CB: “ Word …. The Cracker be throwin like a Woman …. Ever feel like goin upside his face ? “
DD: “ All a time , Blood … All a time … I needs to take a 2 by 4 to his skinny white ass and make him cry like a little bitch … He do be throwin like a Panhandle Ho . ”
CB: “ Got a idea , Double D … next time he hands you off when it’s 3rd and 14 instead of throwin to one of his fat –ass wide outs … make it like the play is busted and knock him on his ass “
DD: “ not bad … not bad … but I wuz thinkin bout Stealin his Rolls “
CB: “ Do both “
DD: “ Sheeittttt …. See that why we tight … you always gots the plan . “
CB: “ Got that right … hey The Jags comes in on December 24 th … wuz thinkin you be givin the owners a little somethin somethin … you know …for Kwanzaa “
DD: “ Acey Deucy Blood … Acey Deucy … ummmmm … wait up … what you be talkin bout ? “
CB: “ Quit Out on their sorry asses just before that game “
DD: “ I Dunno …then they be cheatin‘ my check … can’t have that … gots a wife , 6 keeeiiids , and a Shetland Pony “
CB : “ Well … think about it … You like Tampa ? Gotz Lotta Ho’s in Tampa … Alstott’s getting elderly … you’ll be carryin 10 times a game … 12 tops … how many you do now ? “
DD: “ Too many …. I dunno 30 … 40 “
CB: “ MEEN – KYA … 40 ? “
DD: “ What’s Min ka ? “
CB: “ It’s A Talian … a espression of surprise … but it really means the Tip on one’s Johnson “
DD: “ I gots a big Meen – Kya “
CB: “ The Pretty Boy Don’t “
DD: “ Word … I sees him in the shower … Short changed Our Lord and Savior “
CB: “ So … See ??? …they be playin you like some kinda farm animal … in 2-3 years you be walkin’ round like Ironsides “
DD : “ Who ? “
CB: “ That Cat in a Wheelchair … he be chasin’ Krimnals by Rollin’ around “
DD: “ Sheeeiiitttttt … I gots lotta thinkin ta do … “
CB: “ Yup … but you be ahhhh ight … just don’t be played , Playah “
DD: “ Be callin you nest week … hang loose “
CB: “ Right “
********************************************
Woke up last Monday from a crazy dream which had The San Francisco 49’ers with the ball on the 50 yard line … and for some strange reason the other team left the field … The Umpire blew the whistle and told SF to resume the game anyway …. Seventeen Plays Later San Fran had to settle for a Field Goal.
*********************************************
Jose Cortez is after me … he was insulted after reading my stuff about him in last week’s Hip … ( only the part where I called him “ Clubfoot “ … he didn’t understand the rest ) … and he threatened to kick a football up my ass . So I told him we could meet at Lincoln Financial Field , Home of The Eagles, at High Noon on Wednesday … I got there a half hour early before him , shimmied my way up one of the Padded Goal Posts , and stood exactly in the middle of the 2 uprights with my back facing him … standing there and Mooning Him while calling him a “Maricon “ , which is Spanish for “ Fruitcake “ . Well I’m still up here typing this on my lap top while this Dunce continues kicking footballs at me one after the other … As yet he hasn’t even come within 30 yards of my ass. Pretty soon he’ll get tired and walk away .
**********************************************
Last Monday Night , Coach Parcells played Donovan Mc Nabb for a Pigeon.
**********************************************
Saw some of The Vikes - Giants game last Sunday … great win on the Money Line for us … so I guess I’ll go easy on Coach Tice for once … After the game, Tice said that he had wanted to be explosive , especially with the Special Teams. When asked to comment , Daunte ( "The Eskimo " ) Culpepper replied with : “ EZZPLOZIVE ??? … SHEEEEEEEEEIIIIITTTTTT …. The only thing ezzplozive around here is the that Honkie Coach’s Shorts “ … Daunte has a certain way of EZZPRESSIN HISSEFF which reminds me of Ernest Hemingway … wouldn’t you agree ?
BTW …. I heard that Mike got his legs taken out on the sidelines at the end of a play by a punt return man, and his brother who was standing right next to him didn’t even offer any assistance … … maybe I’ve been picking on the wrong Tice.
**********************************************
Earlier this week Wayne posed the question as to whether or not The Colts will go undefeated this season. To do so , they will need to exert maximum energy each and every week . If they get it up sky high for every game they just might not have enough in the tank for The Playoffs. Sooner or later Tony Dungy will have to make that decision … to rest certain players or not will be problematic, and that’s only one of the challenges facing him. As it is … in the past his playoff strategies have been questionable at best … yup … the challenge of going undefeated will only serve to complicate matters … Whether or not they do it ? … I don’t know … probably not … with 7 games left they play 5 half -way decent teams … Either way , it sure will be interesting how this will all play out. Carolina and Indy would sure make for an exciting Super Bowl Matchup … But I’m not so sure that it’s in The Colts’ Best Interests To Go Undefeated.
**********************************************
In case you didn’t see him last Sunday , Joey Fruitcake tried to con everyone into thinking he is capable of growing a beard … his feeble –ass plan backfired however when 2 minutes into the game he was sweating profusely and the INK started to drip down his chin and onto his jersey.
Joey , Joey , Joey … even in winning , you are a Nancy Boy of Immeasurable Proportions .
**********************************************
The Colts permitted The Texans to slip under the number last Sunday … and I’ll say no more .
**********************************************
I was fooled with his pasty complexion … thought he might be a Fancy Boy … and I was mistaken …. Chris Simms played his ass off last Sunday … he’s a tough kid who hangs in there and isn’t afraid to take a trimming …. plays with fire in his gut … and I think he’s going to be a very , very good QB, just like his old man … in all fairness , we must give him around 2 more years … Way to Go , Chris !!!
A side point .....
How come all the Whities on The Bucs are so pale faced ? … after all they are Florida Athletes … even Coach Chuckie … what do they do all week ? … shoot pool ? … They really should start hanging around with Danny Marino … now HE’S Got The Look !
**********************************************
When I was born , Some Hot Shot Obstetrician smacked me in the ass …. 50 years later, I’m still lookin’ for that Bastard .
*********************************************
Will the Real Michael Vick please stand up ? … another clunker last Sunday … he’s had some colossal ones in his short career … you never know on any given Sunday whether he’s going to play his heart out or go in the toilet head first … when he’s ON he can be very exciting, but damn when he’s not , he’s Suspiciously Pitiful … No kidding … he really looks like he’s cooking some games ATS … Let’s be real, ok ? … Vick is a glorified running back who maneuvered his way to quarterback because there’s more bucks in it for him. His brother too … another running back that ESPN is over - hyping as a Signal Caller … Miami of Florida exposed his many shortcomings a few weeks ago ; one being a ticker problem … Want to know why we have the worst QB’s in NFL history this year ? … They are overhyped in college by the likes of ESPN , and the scouts are buying into it. Michael Vick is certainly an NFL caliber player, but he’s not a Quarterback … and his younger brother is nothing but a Toronto Argonaut.
**********************************************
Random thoughts about other sports …..
NBA:
Seems to me Larry Brown owns only 1 suit , a black Armani …. (It’s a classic, but his tailor needs to pay more attention to detail ) ….
OR
Larry Brown owns 20 suits , all the same color ….
OR
Larry Brown broke into Pat Riley’s home and boosted his wardrobe .
MLB:
We all have our moods but have you ever seen anyone with a bigger bug up his ass than Jeff Bagwell ? … and not only that … the same bug has been malingering up the same ass -crack for 15 years. Hey , Fot Face , you really should smile once in a while … after all , if it weren’t for Our National Pastime you might still be washing cars or bustin’ suds as some dishwasher at a country club … When you pack it in your Baseball Epitaph should read : “ Jeff ( “Sour Puss” ) Bagwell … No rings on my fingers, but Thank God, no dish pan hands either “.
PS … I can’t believe I’m even bringing this up, BUT … and it’s a Long , Longshot …. If Fot Face EVER gets EVEN NOMINATED to be voted into the Hall of Fame … that will be a sad , sad , sorry day for baseball .
I'm praying that Fot Face reads this and decides to come after me with a bat ... I'll be as much untouchable as I am with "Clubfoot "
NCAA Football :
I’ve already bit on Fresno State with the 24 this Saturday at USC … I’ve done this knowing full and well 2 things :
1) There is no other college football team more gutsy and courageous than The Bulldogs , led by their very fine coach , Pat Hill . I like their quarterback ( Paul Pinegar ) A LOT …. Year after year they travel anywhere and everywhere to play the nation’s top teams while most other schools don’t have the Sack to play tough , out of conference opponents, on the road …. I’m expecting Fresno to go ALL OUT BALLS UP for 60 minutes and keep this game excitingly close.
So what’s the 2nd thing ? …. It’s the coin’s flipside … that I’ll be ATS Happy for the 1st quarter … then after that , USC kicks the living crap out of them and makes me The Linemaker’s Bitch .
**********************************************
Finally ….. and please forgive my language in advance ….
I have read Major League Baseball’s latest Policy regarding the penalties for amped – up body chemistry …. and it is a FUCKING JOKE .
**********************************************
See ya Saturday with College picks and Sunday with The Pros.
-Neil
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