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Shooting From The Hip … Your Mid -Term Examination
If you've been an avid Hip reader throughout the years , this test should be as easy as Lindsay Lohan on Methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
Just submit your answers to each question with your reply in this thread.
First Prize: Patrick Ewing's unwashed basketball shorts after playing a triple overtime game on The Equator , having eaten diuretics and refried beans at halftime
Second Prize: A dinner with Joe Theisman … ( Ear plugs and FIVE 10 mg. Vallium tablets included )
Third Prize : Rosie O'Donnell's Favorite Sex Toy … ( Batteries not included )
Fourth Prize: A Slow Talking Bob Davie Bobble Head Doll ( pins and needles included )
Good Luck !!!!!!
Question 1 ... Please answer A or B
This opening question concerns Todd Blackledge …
College Football commentator Todd Blackledge loves his job at ESPN because …..
a) Each week, in a different eatery , in any old slum close to where the game is played , in his silly segment called " Taste of the Town ", he gets to stuff his face with the World's most disgusting, oily , greasy , lardy , starchy , piled up plate of crap … fried up on some grime filled griddle, cooked by some old, tired wino , dressed in an apron so filled with stains that it looks like the ink blot test that they give psychos in prison who are to be put to death by electricution the day after tomorrow ….
and all the while he pretends to enjoy it …
until of course the next day when he needs a quart of Immodium to cure a serious case of "The Trots"
OR
b) Each year he picks up an extra $150,000 in bribe money by the families of no talent, lard assed, Louisville Cardinal Quarterbacks in return for hyping them out to the viewers , so that by chance some idiot NFL Scout who's watching will buy into the bullshit and pitch the punk to his bosses , hoping that a team will draft the snotnose , give him a gazillion dollar signing bonus , and then we all will never , ever , EVER, see this kid take a regular season snap … and then the following year the fraud will fade away quietly … much like the skid marks on Julius Pepper's shorts after throwing them in a tub of boiling water with a box of Tide and 3 gallons of Clorox
***********************************
Question #2 … in 2 parts
Part 1 True or False:
Shaquille O'Neal is the All - Time Game - Fixing Genius because the real truth is that he could have made every free throw any time he wanted but he only made them when the point spread was on the line for both sides and totals, and the true hidden beauty of this criminal's plan is that he could never get in trouble for what he was doing because he was fixing a game by making , rather than tanking shots like all the others do , and thereby could never be called a point - shaver
( Side Point …. It's a plan sooooo brilliant and fool proof that my dick gets hard just thinking about it )
Part 2
In your own words , briefly explain why Shaq only says a maximum of 5 words in every goofy , insipid , cheap TV commercial in which he appears. ( Hint : I'm looking for a certain answer and it's not hard to figure out )
Question 3 … Multiple Choice
Which of the following did not try out to be a Washington State Cougar quarterback last month ?
a) Abbott and Costella
b) Secretariat
c) Gary Coleman
d) "Ironsides" Raymond Burr
e) Fruitcake Richard Simmons
Question 4 …. Multiple Choice
A few years ago our good friend and all around great guy Spark asked me what he should do when his teeth were turning a little yellow.
I advised him to :
a) go get multiple collagen injections in both his lips
b) switch to white clam sauce with his linguini , rather than his favorite "red"
c) wear a brown neck tie
*************************************
Question 5 … Multiple Choice
Coverboy was asked to leave which of the following places for having his tongue up some chick's ass
a) Commerce Bank
b) Shea Stadium
c) Chaminade High School in Long Island … ( which mystified everyone because it is an all-boys school )
d) Temple Beth Shalom , where his childhood friend Seth was celebrating his Bar Mitzvah
e) All of the above
***********************************
Question 6 … Multiple Choice
Every NFL player secretly wants to be an Oakland Raider because ….
a) Their Cheerleaders are smokin' hot and drop their knees for all the players ( yes … even Sebastian Janikowski )
b) Their owner is a catatonic nit-wit who sometimes puts an extra zero in a player's paycheck by mistake
c) There are no practices per se … only a once-a-week 5 minute jog down The Pacific Coast Highway , which is, of course, optional.
d) Fred Biletnikoff is a fruitcake and the Raiders often ask his advice on what to wear so that they will dress appropriately when they knock over a liquor store.
e) All of the above , baby
************************************
Question 7 … A Survey …. Choose A or B whichever is most like you
Let's say you don't have a bet on a game but you're watching it on TV anyway … and the game is being played in the city in which you live …..
Do you generally …
a) Root , Root , Root , for the Home Team … probably because everyone hammered and drilled this into your brain at an early age as something you are "supposed" to do , knowing full and well that you are a complete stranger to those mercenary athletes you are rooting for now ; they do not know you or care to know you or give 2 warm craps about you … and it's even money that they will be playing for the " opposing " team next season for even more money and you will then be rooting against them ( because you are " supposed " to )
Or
b) Always pull hard for the Road Team because it can't be good when 50,000 or 100,000 towel waving fanatics in the stands are all very happy at the same time over something as meaningless and silly as a sporting event … even when Karma clearly dictates that somewhere , sometime , the same amount of people will be broken hearted over something a helluva lot more important , like an earthquake, God Forbid.
******************************************
Question #8 … in 3 parts
By one of the strangest all - time miracle of miracles , this talentless monstrosity somehow won American Idol.
So a few months later , what does she go and do ??? For her very first live performance after winning , she tried to deceive the entire world all at once by lip-synching The National Anthem at The Superbowl.
a) Can you remember her name ? ( there is no penalty if you can't … not many people can , nor do they care , for that matter. )
b) What was the final score in that Superbowl game ?
c) True or False … this country is in very deep trouble because next week we must elect a President when we can't even make the right choice regarding something as ridiculous as picking the correct American Idol
************************************************** *****
Question 9
How many Kerry Collins does it take to change a light bulb ?
Hell, I'll give you this one ….
The answer is TWO …..
One to hold the bulb steady …
And the other to drink enough whiskey so that the room spins
************************************************** ******
Question 10 Multiple Choice
What would you do ???? ……
Just suppose that this Saturday, a healthy Penn State team ( 9-0 ) were playing at Utah State ( 1-7 ) and the betting line for this contest was …
Pick 'em
Would you …..
a) Bet everything you own ( house , cars , cash , jewelry , 401K , childrens' college fund ) …. Everything … on Penn State
b) after doing " a) " … borrow anything you can get your hands on from friends and family in order to parlay Penn St. with every side on the board for the entire college card on Saturday … and … every NFL side and total on Sunday
c) Conclude that " Joe Pa " will soon be ready to donate yet another building to the Penn St. Campus with yet another truckload of dirty, sweaty money.
************************************************** ******
Question 11 … Multiple Choice
Which of the following statements regarding Tony Kornheiser is most
accurate ?
a) he single-handedly is responsible for the sharp upward spike in ratings for CBS on Monday nights
b) he must really have connections in high places
c) he can never be taken seriously because if he so much as goes within 20 feet of a single piece of athletic equipment he will break out with a severe case of hives and then must drink copious amounts of Benedryl to avoid going into anaphalactic shock
d) each night he thanks his lucky stars that Al Michaels is not a violent man
e) All of the Above
************************************************** ********
Question 12 … Multiple Choice
It is best to join a college fraternity …..
a) in your freshman year because it will then allow you to beat the shit out of incoming pledges for the next 3 years ( or more … lol )
b) because Campus Twats bang Frat Boys left and right before they eventually settle down with the Putz Nerd who will always make a lot more money.
c) because your brothers will bribe campus security and be able to sneak into Professors' Offices the night before big exams … which translates into a smooth sailing 4 years ahead for you.
d) None of the Above … it is never wise to get involved with a secret handshaking bunch of elitist scumbags … besides … you can do all of the above on your own
************************************************** *********
Extra Credit Question 1 … Multiple Choice ( for the old timers in BC )
Who struck out Mickey Mantle 4 times on Mickey Mantle Day ?
a) Steve Barber ( Orioles )
b) Sam McDowell ( Indians )
c) Joe Sparma ( Tigers )
d) Jim Lonborg ( Red Sox )
Extra Credit Question 2
Write a poem … about anything you want … and make it funny … C'mon … if you want Ewing's shorts you'll have to work for them …
and even if you don't win that prize , might I remind you that Rosie O'Donnell's used Dong will make a handsome addition to your mantlepiece.
Remember … The sillier, the better
******************************************
Extra Credit Question 3
Answer True or False :
Coverboy has completely lost it ( so what else is new ? ) and as punishment for wasting everyone's time with his psycho sarcastic paranoid bullshit , he will be brought to justice by being forced to spend the rest of his natural life , locked in a room ….
with an Insurance Salesman.
THE END
******************************************
If you've been an avid Hip reader throughout the years , this test should be as easy as Lindsay Lohan on Methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
Just submit your answers to each question with your reply in this thread.
First Prize: Patrick Ewing's unwashed basketball shorts after playing a triple overtime game on The Equator , having eaten diuretics and refried beans at halftime
Second Prize: A dinner with Joe Theisman … ( Ear plugs and FIVE 10 mg. Vallium tablets included )
Third Prize : Rosie O'Donnell's Favorite Sex Toy … ( Batteries not included )
Fourth Prize: A Slow Talking Bob Davie Bobble Head Doll ( pins and needles included )
Good Luck !!!!!!
**************************************
Question 1 ... Please answer A or B
This opening question concerns Todd Blackledge …
College Football commentator Todd Blackledge loves his job at ESPN because …..
a) Each week, in a different eatery , in any old slum close to where the game is played , in his silly segment called " Taste of the Town ", he gets to stuff his face with the World's most disgusting, oily , greasy , lardy , starchy , piled up plate of crap … fried up on some grime filled griddle, cooked by some old, tired wino , dressed in an apron so filled with stains that it looks like the ink blot test that they give psychos in prison who are to be put to death by electricution the day after tomorrow ….
and all the while he pretends to enjoy it …
until of course the next day when he needs a quart of Immodium to cure a serious case of "The Trots"
OR
b) Each year he picks up an extra $150,000 in bribe money by the families of no talent, lard assed, Louisville Cardinal Quarterbacks in return for hyping them out to the viewers , so that by chance some idiot NFL Scout who's watching will buy into the bullshit and pitch the punk to his bosses , hoping that a team will draft the snotnose , give him a gazillion dollar signing bonus , and then we all will never , ever , EVER, see this kid take a regular season snap … and then the following year the fraud will fade away quietly … much like the skid marks on Julius Pepper's shorts after throwing them in a tub of boiling water with a box of Tide and 3 gallons of Clorox
***********************************
Question #2 … in 2 parts
Part 1 True or False:
Shaquille O'Neal is the All - Time Game - Fixing Genius because the real truth is that he could have made every free throw any time he wanted but he only made them when the point spread was on the line for both sides and totals, and the true hidden beauty of this criminal's plan is that he could never get in trouble for what he was doing because he was fixing a game by making , rather than tanking shots like all the others do , and thereby could never be called a point - shaver
( Side Point …. It's a plan sooooo brilliant and fool proof that my dick gets hard just thinking about it )
Part 2
In your own words , briefly explain why Shaq only says a maximum of 5 words in every goofy , insipid , cheap TV commercial in which he appears. ( Hint : I'm looking for a certain answer and it's not hard to figure out )
***************************************
Question 3 … Multiple Choice
Which of the following did not try out to be a Washington State Cougar quarterback last month ?
a) Abbott and Costella
b) Secretariat
c) Gary Coleman
d) "Ironsides" Raymond Burr
e) Fruitcake Richard Simmons
**************************************
Question 4 …. Multiple Choice
A few years ago our good friend and all around great guy Spark asked me what he should do when his teeth were turning a little yellow.
I advised him to :
a) go get multiple collagen injections in both his lips
b) switch to white clam sauce with his linguini , rather than his favorite "red"
c) wear a brown neck tie
*************************************
Question 5 … Multiple Choice
Coverboy was asked to leave which of the following places for having his tongue up some chick's ass
a) Commerce Bank
b) Shea Stadium
c) Chaminade High School in Long Island … ( which mystified everyone because it is an all-boys school )
d) Temple Beth Shalom , where his childhood friend Seth was celebrating his Bar Mitzvah
e) All of the above
***********************************
Question 6 … Multiple Choice
Every NFL player secretly wants to be an Oakland Raider because ….
a) Their Cheerleaders are smokin' hot and drop their knees for all the players ( yes … even Sebastian Janikowski )
b) Their owner is a catatonic nit-wit who sometimes puts an extra zero in a player's paycheck by mistake
c) There are no practices per se … only a once-a-week 5 minute jog down The Pacific Coast Highway , which is, of course, optional.
d) Fred Biletnikoff is a fruitcake and the Raiders often ask his advice on what to wear so that they will dress appropriately when they knock over a liquor store.
e) All of the above , baby
************************************
Question 7 … A Survey …. Choose A or B whichever is most like you
Let's say you don't have a bet on a game but you're watching it on TV anyway … and the game is being played in the city in which you live …..
Do you generally …
a) Root , Root , Root , for the Home Team … probably because everyone hammered and drilled this into your brain at an early age as something you are "supposed" to do , knowing full and well that you are a complete stranger to those mercenary athletes you are rooting for now ; they do not know you or care to know you or give 2 warm craps about you … and it's even money that they will be playing for the " opposing " team next season for even more money and you will then be rooting against them ( because you are " supposed " to )
Or
b) Always pull hard for the Road Team because it can't be good when 50,000 or 100,000 towel waving fanatics in the stands are all very happy at the same time over something as meaningless and silly as a sporting event … even when Karma clearly dictates that somewhere , sometime , the same amount of people will be broken hearted over something a helluva lot more important , like an earthquake, God Forbid.
******************************************
Question #8 … in 3 parts
By one of the strangest all - time miracle of miracles , this talentless monstrosity somehow won American Idol.
So a few months later , what does she go and do ??? For her very first live performance after winning , she tried to deceive the entire world all at once by lip-synching The National Anthem at The Superbowl.
a) Can you remember her name ? ( there is no penalty if you can't … not many people can , nor do they care , for that matter. )
b) What was the final score in that Superbowl game ?
c) True or False … this country is in very deep trouble because next week we must elect a President when we can't even make the right choice regarding something as ridiculous as picking the correct American Idol
************************************************** *****
Question 9
How many Kerry Collins does it take to change a light bulb ?
Hell, I'll give you this one ….
The answer is TWO …..
One to hold the bulb steady …
And the other to drink enough whiskey so that the room spins
************************************************** ******
Question 10 Multiple Choice
What would you do ???? ……
Just suppose that this Saturday, a healthy Penn State team ( 9-0 ) were playing at Utah State ( 1-7 ) and the betting line for this contest was …
Pick 'em
Would you …..
a) Bet everything you own ( house , cars , cash , jewelry , 401K , childrens' college fund ) …. Everything … on Penn State
b) after doing " a) " … borrow anything you can get your hands on from friends and family in order to parlay Penn St. with every side on the board for the entire college card on Saturday … and … every NFL side and total on Sunday
c) Conclude that " Joe Pa " will soon be ready to donate yet another building to the Penn St. Campus with yet another truckload of dirty, sweaty money.
************************************************** ******
Question 11 … Multiple Choice
Which of the following statements regarding Tony Kornheiser is most
accurate ?
a) he single-handedly is responsible for the sharp upward spike in ratings for CBS on Monday nights
b) he must really have connections in high places
c) he can never be taken seriously because if he so much as goes within 20 feet of a single piece of athletic equipment he will break out with a severe case of hives and then must drink copious amounts of Benedryl to avoid going into anaphalactic shock
d) each night he thanks his lucky stars that Al Michaels is not a violent man
e) All of the Above
************************************************** ********
Question 12 … Multiple Choice
It is best to join a college fraternity …..
a) in your freshman year because it will then allow you to beat the shit out of incoming pledges for the next 3 years ( or more … lol )
b) because Campus Twats bang Frat Boys left and right before they eventually settle down with the Putz Nerd who will always make a lot more money.
c) because your brothers will bribe campus security and be able to sneak into Professors' Offices the night before big exams … which translates into a smooth sailing 4 years ahead for you.
d) None of the Above … it is never wise to get involved with a secret handshaking bunch of elitist scumbags … besides … you can do all of the above on your own
************************************************** *********
Extra Credit Question 1 … Multiple Choice ( for the old timers in BC )
Who struck out Mickey Mantle 4 times on Mickey Mantle Day ?
a) Steve Barber ( Orioles )
b) Sam McDowell ( Indians )
c) Joe Sparma ( Tigers )
d) Jim Lonborg ( Red Sox )
*********************************
Extra Credit Question 2
Write a poem … about anything you want … and make it funny … C'mon … if you want Ewing's shorts you'll have to work for them …
and even if you don't win that prize , might I remind you that Rosie O'Donnell's used Dong will make a handsome addition to your mantlepiece.
Remember … The sillier, the better
******************************************
Extra Credit Question 3
Answer True or False :
Coverboy has completely lost it ( so what else is new ? ) and as punishment for wasting everyone's time with his psycho sarcastic paranoid bullshit , he will be brought to justice by being forced to spend the rest of his natural life , locked in a room ….
with an Insurance Salesman.
THE END
******************************************
U-C-O-N-N = Uconn! Uconn! Uconn!
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