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Shooting From The Hip 10/14/08
A Moped …. ( nothing more than a tricked up Schwinn )
Warrior Point Shaver Monte Ellis will miss 30 games this season following a moped injury sustained in the off season ….
So I got the scoop as to what really happened … the truth is … he wrenched his back trying to put the training wheels on it.
Apparently this was in violation of his contract, which prohibits him from navigating dangerous leisure vehicles …
You guys know me and how I ALWAYS take a hard line against stupidity . But in this case I don't think it's fair that he be punished.
That's Right … I Don't !!!
Instead , I really feel sorry for Monte , for I , too , am currently involved with a similar , bitter , contract dispute ….
Two weeks ago while licking an envelope I suffered a severe paper cut on my tongue …
And now the studio has banned me from starring in any Porn Flicks for the next 6 months …
Dammit to hell … It just ain't fair !
I was to begin shooting next week.
************************************************** **************
The Sick Mind of a Handicapper …..
The minute I learned that Dallas was playing The Rams this Sunday I wondered if there was an Over / Under Prop for combined fumbles for both teams.
I thought to myself : " If I can find some Jackass with the prop , I'll pound his fat ass with The OVER … Stephen Jackson and Tony Romo should cover that number all by themselves … And too bad it's not being played outdoors …. I'd back the truck right up to the betting window.
FORGEDDABOUDIT !!!!
************************************************** *************
Quiz Question … all of these personalities pictured below have one thing in common … can you figure out what it is ????
Child Actor Gary Coleman
Fitness Fruitcake Richard Simmons
Actor Raymond Burr
Derby Winner Big Brown
Rosie O'Donnell
Comedy Greats … Buddy Abbott and Lou Costello
My Golden Boy , Earl
And New York State Lottery Spokesperson " Little Bit 'O Luck "
Answer : All of them tried out for the Washington State QB position a few weeks ago in an open try out.
After 2 grueling days of vigorous workouts , Coach Wulff raved about Abbott and Costello , saying :
Wulff: "They've got that certain chemistry, their timing is impeccable , and their one - two punch is exactly what this team needs " .
Wulff's Assistant : " But Coach … Bud and Lou have been dead for the past 35 years."
Wulff: "Damn it to hell … I can't catch a freaking break "
Coach Wulff's next choice was Raymond Burr …
Wulff: " Then I'll go with Burr … he's big and strong and determined … besides … he smells good ."
Wulff's Assistant : " But Coach … I've seen that guy on TV … he's paralyzed from the waist down ! "
Wulff : " Who gives a shit ? … he can hand off and throw , right ? "
Wulff's Assistant : " Coach , you're an Idiot "
Wulff : " I know … the trick is not to let anyone else know… here … here's $500 … don't breathe a single word to no one "
So with the whole ridiculous idea of a tryout having failed , a very disappointed Wulff decided to go with World Famous Marshall Lobbestael until he got Jacked - Up .... ( I guess this cheapskate takes his offensive line over to "White Castle" for flimsy square hamburgers rather than a good steakhouse . ) He was then replaced by Household Name freshman Dan Wagner, who played his heart out and performed brilliantly , tenaciously and doggedly ; leading his team on a fierce 4th quarter comeback before losing a heartbreaker to Oregon St , 66-13
************************************************** ************
Surely you just know that sooner or later I'd get around to Johnny Miller …
It's old news but worthy nonetheless …
Johnny Miller … the bitter, washed-up, racist, is a disgrace to sports announcing
Rocco Mediate, a 45-year-old Pennsylvanian of Italian heritage, held a one-stroke lead over Tiger Woods during the fourth round of this year's US Open. Miller said :
"Mediate looks like the guy who cleans Tiger's swimming pool."
He also said, "Guys with the name 'Rocco' don't get on the trophy, do they?"
How this makes me feel :
This was a real slap in the face not only to all people of Italian anscestry , but everyone viewing The Open.
NBC could and should have stepped in and suspended Miller indefinitely and demanded that he seek professional counselling.
But no … the piece of crap was allowed to skate … and this is sad.
Imagine if he puked out an insult about an African - American , a Jewish person, or a Spaniard ? All hell would have broken loose.
As an Italian - American I feel there should have been more of a protest by the Italian Community, but apparently there wasn't.
And that saddens me all the more.
( I called NBC 5 minutes after I heard his remarks …. I'd have called sooner but I wanted to hear what else Miller had to say … I wanted to alert them about what he was doing… and in looking back I'm disappointed that I got through to them on the very first try…)
So John … John …. John … Yeah you pulled a few tournaments out of your white bread ass in your day when FIXES were common in order to bolster network ratings on Sunday afternoons by paying off lesser known players who were at the top of the leaderboard on Friday night so they could step aside and let The Players , The Palmers , The Nicklauses , and yes The Millers be showcased … but if you were playing now … you'd never make a single cut .
And as far as broadcasting is concerned , you're not even smart enough to be Jim Nance's Go-Fer .
Clearly you hate Italians and God knows who else … but someone soooooo lucky as you to even have this gig really should keep his innermost feelings to himself.
You hit The Lottery, Miller … now for Chrissakes all you have to do is be smart enough to take the money , sit on your fat ass , and whisper into a microphone.
But you'll slip up again … it's in your blood … and when you do , hopefully NBC will have no other choice but to do the right thing and terminate you.
-Neil
************************************************** *************
A Moped …. ( nothing more than a tricked up Schwinn )
Warrior Point Shaver Monte Ellis will miss 30 games this season following a moped injury sustained in the off season ….
So I got the scoop as to what really happened … the truth is … he wrenched his back trying to put the training wheels on it.
Apparently this was in violation of his contract, which prohibits him from navigating dangerous leisure vehicles …
You guys know me and how I ALWAYS take a hard line against stupidity . But in this case I don't think it's fair that he be punished.
That's Right … I Don't !!!
Instead , I really feel sorry for Monte , for I , too , am currently involved with a similar , bitter , contract dispute ….
Two weeks ago while licking an envelope I suffered a severe paper cut on my tongue …
And now the studio has banned me from starring in any Porn Flicks for the next 6 months …
Dammit to hell … It just ain't fair !
I was to begin shooting next week.
************************************************** **************
The Sick Mind of a Handicapper …..
The minute I learned that Dallas was playing The Rams this Sunday I wondered if there was an Over / Under Prop for combined fumbles for both teams.
I thought to myself : " If I can find some Jackass with the prop , I'll pound his fat ass with The OVER … Stephen Jackson and Tony Romo should cover that number all by themselves … And too bad it's not being played outdoors …. I'd back the truck right up to the betting window.
FORGEDDABOUDIT !!!!
************************************************** *************
Quiz Question … all of these personalities pictured below have one thing in common … can you figure out what it is ????
Child Actor Gary Coleman
Fitness Fruitcake Richard Simmons
Actor Raymond Burr
Derby Winner Big Brown
Rosie O'Donnell
Comedy Greats … Buddy Abbott and Lou Costello
My Golden Boy , Earl
And New York State Lottery Spokesperson " Little Bit 'O Luck "
Answer : All of them tried out for the Washington State QB position a few weeks ago in an open try out.
After 2 grueling days of vigorous workouts , Coach Wulff raved about Abbott and Costello , saying :
Wulff: "They've got that certain chemistry, their timing is impeccable , and their one - two punch is exactly what this team needs " .
Wulff's Assistant : " But Coach … Bud and Lou have been dead for the past 35 years."
Wulff: "Damn it to hell … I can't catch a freaking break "
Coach Wulff's next choice was Raymond Burr …
Wulff: " Then I'll go with Burr … he's big and strong and determined … besides … he smells good ."
Wulff's Assistant : " But Coach … I've seen that guy on TV … he's paralyzed from the waist down ! "
Wulff : " Who gives a shit ? … he can hand off and throw , right ? "
Wulff's Assistant : " Coach , you're an Idiot "
Wulff : " I know … the trick is not to let anyone else know… here … here's $500 … don't breathe a single word to no one "
So with the whole ridiculous idea of a tryout having failed , a very disappointed Wulff decided to go with World Famous Marshall Lobbestael until he got Jacked - Up .... ( I guess this cheapskate takes his offensive line over to "White Castle" for flimsy square hamburgers rather than a good steakhouse . ) He was then replaced by Household Name freshman Dan Wagner, who played his heart out and performed brilliantly , tenaciously and doggedly ; leading his team on a fierce 4th quarter comeback before losing a heartbreaker to Oregon St , 66-13
************************************************** ************
Surely you just know that sooner or later I'd get around to Johnny Miller …
It's old news but worthy nonetheless …
Johnny Miller … the bitter, washed-up, racist, is a disgrace to sports announcing
Rocco Mediate, a 45-year-old Pennsylvanian of Italian heritage, held a one-stroke lead over Tiger Woods during the fourth round of this year's US Open. Miller said :
"Mediate looks like the guy who cleans Tiger's swimming pool."
He also said, "Guys with the name 'Rocco' don't get on the trophy, do they?"
How this makes me feel :
This was a real slap in the face not only to all people of Italian anscestry , but everyone viewing The Open.
NBC could and should have stepped in and suspended Miller indefinitely and demanded that he seek professional counselling.
But no … the piece of crap was allowed to skate … and this is sad.
Imagine if he puked out an insult about an African - American , a Jewish person, or a Spaniard ? All hell would have broken loose.
As an Italian - American I feel there should have been more of a protest by the Italian Community, but apparently there wasn't.
And that saddens me all the more.
( I called NBC 5 minutes after I heard his remarks …. I'd have called sooner but I wanted to hear what else Miller had to say … I wanted to alert them about what he was doing… and in looking back I'm disappointed that I got through to them on the very first try…)
So John … John …. John … Yeah you pulled a few tournaments out of your white bread ass in your day when FIXES were common in order to bolster network ratings on Sunday afternoons by paying off lesser known players who were at the top of the leaderboard on Friday night so they could step aside and let The Players , The Palmers , The Nicklauses , and yes The Millers be showcased … but if you were playing now … you'd never make a single cut .
And as far as broadcasting is concerned , you're not even smart enough to be Jim Nance's Go-Fer .
Clearly you hate Italians and God knows who else … but someone soooooo lucky as you to even have this gig really should keep his innermost feelings to himself.
You hit The Lottery, Miller … now for Chrissakes all you have to do is be smart enough to take the money , sit on your fat ass , and whisper into a microphone.
But you'll slip up again … it's in your blood … and when you do , hopefully NBC will have no other choice but to do the right thing and terminate you.
-Neil
************************************************** *************
U-C-O-N-N = Uconn! Uconn! Uconn!
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