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Hey Everyone ... thanks for the support and it's nice to see old friends again !
Please Bump so anyone who digs this stuff can have a decent chance to see it.
Thanks
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Most of us who play on public courses spent $75 and up to enjoy a round of golf.
Last weekend Vijay Singh had maneuvered himself into a position whereby all he needed to do was stay upright and play 4 rounds of golf to completion ( his scores did not matter ), being most careful to sign his card after each round …
And receive $10,000,000 in return …
Is that the best, or what !!!!
What a STUD !
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Say Hey to some of the coaches who treated us to a nice payday last Saturday :
"The Old Oklahoma Switcheroo" …..
Sooner Coach Bob Stoops knew his team was a virtual LOCK vs. TCU so he blew off the game and sneaked off to the nearest driving range to work on his cut - lob shot.
But before he did , he switched clothes with his old friend and PGA Tour nice guy Peter Jacobsen, who then coached the team from the sidelines.
The Sooners rolled The Horned Frogs in an easy game …
And Nobody ever caught on !
Said Jacobsen after the game : " Coaching football is fun but if the Quarterbacks had a Caddy to assist him the game would be a whole lot better. He could give him all important information regarding distances with a "Range Finder " and advise regarding turf conditions, wind direction and velocity … and not only that … he could readily provide snacks and beverages for the huddle. I'll run that by Bob later on … just as soon as I figure out how he would Not his ass kicked on the very first offensive play. "
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Fat Ass Fish Eyed Phil Fullmer … with frontal sweat stain , ordering pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese , a few dozen sausage Calzones, and a truckload of garlic bread for him and his crew during the Auburn game.
Feeling less hungry … and with a whole lot of bad breath and heartburn … he "lead" The Vols to cover and get the money.
After the game Fullmer said:
" Ummmmm , mumble , mumble , BELCH ,,,,, blah , blah , blah …. HUH ? ? ……… mumble , ummmmmmmmm , blah blah , mumble, HUHHHhhhhhhhhh ????? ….. BURP …. WHAAALLPPPP … BELCH …. HUH ? "
Translation : " If I talk Mike Holmgrenese , people will never realize what an idiot I really am. "
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Meanwhile standing on the other side Tommy Tuberville , the Auburn U Coach, in seeing The Vols coaching staff stuffing their fat ass faces, was both furious and jealous, and his lack of concentration allowed Tennessee to get back in the game and sneak in under the number .
After the game Tuberville exploded :
" I'm out there sweating my nuts off while those tubs of crap are tucking away pizzas , calzones and whatnot as if they were at The Feast of St. Gennaro … This Blows !!! I'm diming them out to the rules committee first thing Monday morning. "
Translation : " In a few minutes The Auburn Alumni are gonna kick the livin' snot outta me in the parking lot for blowing the cover … I'm soooo Fucked !!! "
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" Don't let this ridiculous cardboard piece of shit hat fool you, By Gum …. I have enough Dang Bribe Money hidden in my mattresses to cure the Dang Economic Crisis " .
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Michigan Buffoon Rich Rodriguez' Halftime Pep Talk vs. Wisconsin :
" I'm all out of ideas so You Crazy Bastids try to figure out what the fuck to do …. and If you need me I'll be at " Casa de Pepe " slammin' down some Cervezas and Chimichangas and groovin' to the sweet tones of Placido Domingo … Is he related to Plaxico Burriss ??? Anyways, maybe I'll see youz at the 2 minute warning … or maybe not !!! ……
Adios , Muchachos !!!! "
Translation : " Yo no puedo ensenar el futbol porque tengo un celebro como uno burro y ademas tengo un cullo que necessita scratchado "
Translation for the translation : " I can't coach football because I have the brain of a rabbit and besides … I have an itchy ass "
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LSU Coach Les Miles just comes right out and cooks the game and doesn't give 2 craps who sees it …
" I hate that Simpleton ( Sylvester Croom ) but I went for my Nut Sack the last 2 weeks with that Fuckin' Wall Street … I'm desperate so I gotta supplement my income by ordering my team to shade scores . There , I said it …. now Fuck Off ! "
A translation is not necessary.
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And Lastly … The Master Mechanic
I caught up with this Scary Man in the banquet room after the game and this is what was said :
Me: "How Ya Doing , Coach ? "
Paterno : " Faggeddaboudid … Fa - ged - uh - bow - did …. We all had a blast out there …. A packed house … fans all wearing white … waving flags …. Singing Italian songs in the stands …. … Mario Lanza … Tony Bennett ….. Madonna … Sausage and Peppers Everywhere … Cold Cuts …. Clams Oregenata ….. FO - GED - UH -BOUD - ID … It was a great victory "
Me: " I can see YOU'RE VERY HAPPY with the outcome … VERY HAPPY … but you had a few good chances to score late in the 4th … I'm sure you're aware that Style Points count more than ever for The BCS …. So what happened ? "
Paterno : " Style Pernts ? You sound GAY … Anyways … You look hungry , Pal … lemme take care of you … HEY NUNZIO …. make some food for my friend OVA HERE … fry up some Strunzi Bavunzi and a nice Zabaglione for afterwards … and don't forget the Semolina Bread either or I'll bust your fuckin' head wide open …. CAPEESH ??????? "
Me: " It's OK Coach … thanks just the same … but I didn't come here to eat … I just want to know about that 4th quarter . "
Paterno : " Wha' boud it ??? "
Me: " You're team not scoring late … so they won by 14 when the point spread was 15 …. A lot of people were counting on you "
Paterno : ( scratching his ass … then scratching his head ) …. Well ,the field was moist and I didn't want anyone hurt. "
Me: " Moist ? "
Paterno : " Yeah Moist … that's what I said ….. Moist … like the way meatballs should be when they're in the gravy … I hate dry meatballs … and veal too … don't you hate it when veal is veiny ? I can kill my butcher when he furnishes me with veiny veal . "
Me: " Ummmmm OK but Well I just kinda find it ODD … that sort of stuff happens a lot with your teams … you know … your teams win but don't cover the point spread ….. Care to comment ? "
Paterno : … (smoke now coming out of his Dumbo Ears ) …. " Pernt Spread ???? Pernt Spread ??? …. I have no such knowledge of what that is … Now you're getting on my last fuckin nerve , kid … HEY Tuffy … HEY Rocko ….. escort this mutha fucka outta here and if he sez one fuckin' word break his kneecaps "
( PS … I spent the next few days at Hahnemann Hospital in Philly having a tire iron surgically removed from my rectum )
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Hope you enjoyed my madness
The College picks will be out tomorrow
See you then !
-Neil
It's always noon somewhere! 
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