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All About Men Jokes
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea ... you stand by the stove while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call a good looking, intelligent, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
**********************
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common
Sense.
> Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how
> old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in
> bureaucratic red tape.
>
> He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as
> knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
> worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple,
> sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and
> reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
>
> His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a
> six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
> classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after
> lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
> worsened his condition.
>
> Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
> parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not
> inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
> an abortion.
>
> Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
> became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals
> received better treatment than their victims.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in
> her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust,
> his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
> Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima
Whiner.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
> If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and
> do nothing.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea ... you stand by the stove while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call a good looking, intelligent, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
**********************
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common
Sense.
> Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how
> old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in
> bureaucratic red tape.
>
> He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as
> knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
> worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple,
> sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and
> reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
>
> His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a
> six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
> classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after
> lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
> worsened his condition.
>
> Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
> parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not
> inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
> an abortion.
>
> Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
> became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals
> received better treatment than their victims.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in
> her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust,
> his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
> Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima
Whiner.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
> If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and
> do nothing.